A pathologist conducting a routine tissue sample test got a real shock recently. The tissue, taken from Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, showed that Walker’s internal cell structure consisted entirely of fecal matter. More tests were conducted and samples taken, and all results confirmed that fecal matter is “the sole building block of Governor Walker’s physical makeup,” said Dr. Ralph D. Meel. “Mr. Walker’s brain, heart—all his internal organs—are made of fecal matter. Now, it is human fecal matter, so that is likely fortunate for him,” Meel said. The doctor further said that Walker is also host to a rare bacterium that ingests human feces and excretes gases and scant liquids that smell like a mixture of rosewater and angostura bitters. Kyle Leevridge, an auto glass specialist from Kaukauna, Wisconsin, said, “A lot of us always thought Walker had shit for brains. I guess we were right.” Walker’s camp refused to comment. As the state’s governor, his medical records are released regularly. In other news, a dairy farmer outside Leopolis, Wisconsin, suffered an injury to his buttocks when a robot he began using in March to milk his cows struck him with a pitchfork.