The presidential campaign of Donald J. Trump announced today that Trump will henceforth hold at least two policy positions on every issue, possibly three or four. “Donald doesn’t waffle or change his mind, as some ignoramuses have claimed,” said campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. “He exists on a plane where truth has many faces, and he comprehends them all. What normal people hear might sound like a contradiction, but it is a unified truth in the head of Donald J. Trump.” The campaign announced that it will no longer answer questions about where Donald stands on a particular issue. “Those questions are meaningless to Donald. Donald is.”