Republican party chair Reince Priebus announced that a live bear will not be performing at the Republican National Convention, to be held soon in LeBron, Ohio (aka Cleveland). Priebus said that that rumor, along with several reports that a little person’s circus would be on site, are all “a pack of lies. This convention will be a serious affair. After all, we have a serious candidate.” 39-year-old Trump supporter Charles “The Goatfucker” Jones, a professional wrestler from Sparks, Nevada, said, “I’ve never seen a presidential candidate seriouser than Mr. Donald J. Trump. If you don’t think Mr. Trump is a genius, you’re a imbecile.” Trump himself was overheard saying he didn’t “give a rat’s ass about the convention. I just want to take over the—I mean, serve, the country.” In other news, San Diego Republicans said they want to show veterans how much they care by putting an end “once and for all” to all mental health care services in San Diego County and put the savings into strip clubs and card rooms, with drink discounts for all veterans who prove they voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004.