Donald J. Trump has reached out to England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland with a proposal to form “a more perfect union, a much more perfect union” between them and the United States. Trump said the new government consortium will be called the Authentic Atlantic Union, or AAU. Trump further said his first order of business will be to sue the longstanding Amateur Athletic Union, or AAU. The organization for youngsters of athletic promise has been in existence since 1888. Trump said, “Those assholes just exploit kids, and not even for something decent, like manufacturing or agriculture!” Press materials put out by the presumptive Republican nominee’s campaign indicate that the full, official name of the new governmental entity would be the Authentic Atlantic Union of the United States and Some Other, Lesser Countries. In other news, unseasonably high temperatures in eastern Oregon are putting that state’s wheat harvest at risk. Republicans there propose renting enormous gas- and diesel-powered air cooling units to station at the edges of all fields.