How to Determine If Your Wife Might Vote for Clinton

Gentlemen,

hillprez A recent poll found that 45% of married women plan to vote for Hillary Clinton, while only 33% of married men believe their wives will pull the lever for Clinton (see The Economist/YouGov, October 7-8). Clearly this difference bespeaks a breakdown in communication between spouses of frightening proportions. It tears at my heart to think of nuptial partners, who should be the most intimate and open of friends, isolated from each other by the cold intrusion of politics.

It’s up to us as men, as husbands and fathers, to heal this rift.

Here are some questions to help you determine if your wife may be leaning toward Hillary:

When you’re explaining why the country needs the law and order that only Donald Trump can provide, does she ever break eye contact?
Does she conveniently place the basket of orange mums to obscure your quarter-size ceramic Trump garden gnome? When you move the basket back to the other side of the driveway, does it somehow end up in front of little Trump again
Has she recently prepared veggie burgers or any dish with quinoa?
Did she give you an icy look when you wore your “Keep the Witch out of the White House” t-shirt to the Fall Couples Social at the club?
Have you ever, even once, turned on the TV and found it tuned to MSNBC?
Have you seen her reading a book?
When you’re watching a rally on Fox News, does she use the blender, or another noisy appliance, for suspiciously long periods of time? Alternately, does she put her hands over her ears and scream?
Has she blocked you on Twitter?
Does she not laugh when you make up fun, Trump-inspired nicknames for her friends, like “Boozy Beth” or “Stuck-up Sarah”?

If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, you may have a problem. You’ll need to take things to the next level to really understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings around the election, and re-establish the trust and mutual dependence that is the foundation of any healthy marriage.

Try these steps:

Take the Trump lawn sign from out front of your house and mount it over your bed. (Replace the lawn sign with a larger, hand-painted billboard. But be sure to check your spelling before committing paint to plywood.) Watch your wife carefully and see if she flinches on entering your newly and now rightfully politicized boudoir.
Make gentle, even playful comments to elicit her thoughts, like, “I know Hillary is evil. I’m just not sure if she’s the devil.” Or, “Even good people can sometimes be fooled into committing a terrible sin by democracy.”
Buy her a diamond choker that spells out “Trump Voter.” See if she wears it the next time you go out to dinner.
One day when you are out of the house, call your home line claiming to be from a polling service (use an Indian accent). Ask her a series of questions about the economy, the environment, trade, and foreign affairs, and once you’re sure she thinks you are an unbiased survey worker, slip in, “Who do you plan to vote for for president?”

If all this fails, and despite your earnest and loving efforts, you cannot determine what your wife really thinks about the election, remember that the important thing is your relationship. You must love her and care for her no matter what. You also might want to take the spark plugs out of her car on Election Day, just to be sure.

Regards,
Harvey Bicks
President
Men’s Rights Advocates for Trump