Donald J. Trump is denying rumors that some of his campaign aides, full of regret at what they’ve done to America, are proposing that Inauguration Day be renamed Quadrennial Insult Your Intelligence Day. The president-elect said, “All that talk is just a bunch of falsehooderies! Nobody from my campaign is ashamed of what we’ve brought upon our beautiful, conservative, capitalistic country!”

Vice President-elect Mike Pence echoed Trump’s statement. “We couldn’t be happier with the way that we’re about to rule this nation. All authority stops with me—I mean, my president. No, our president. Everyone’s. Including the majority of Americans, the over-50 percent who didn’t vote for him.”

In other news, Iowa senator Joni Ernst restated her claim that “clean water is overrated.”