American education’s new “MAGA Standards” provide teachers with goals and expectations so they can prepare students for the world of lost privacy, macro-economic bankruptcy, American whitening, feudalism, daily DEFCON 2 cell phone alerts, dark-web abortions, petroleum seeps, sea rise, and negotiating land grants on the Mars frontier.

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A recent poll found that 45% of married women plan to vote for Hillary Clinton, while only 33% of married men believe their wives will pull the lever for Clinton (see The Economist/YouGov, October 7-8). Clearly this difference bespeaks a breakdown in communication between spouses of frightening proportions. It’s up to us as men, as husbands and fathers, to heal this rift.

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With the big game just weeks away, Mayor Ed Lee is pushing a plan that he says will eliminate San Francisco’s homeless problem. Lee wants to institute an assisted homicide program, whereby regular people can be trained by a firearms expert, and then shoot and kill up to five homeless residents per session.

“Even in a progressive city such as ours, we have to acknowledge that the homeless are a blight for tech workers and tourists who just want to enjoy our beautiful city, in large part because there are so many. This program, therefore, would achieve several goals at once—first, eradication of the homeless, and then, stress reduction, beautification, and increased tourism revenues,” Lee says. “With all the brain wattage we have in this town, the program could be up and running in a couple days.”

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At Stoneslide GiftWorks, we know that many of you, despite the regular warnings provided by kindly and helpful marketers, have not yet completed your Christmas shopping. You have doomed yourself to spending the last few days before the holiday in a sweaty panic about having to writhe through overpacked shopping mall aisles, like a sardine in some strange orgiastic spawning ritual. Despite the fact that you have brought this suffering on yourself, we wish to help you. Here are some gifts for that very, very, very hard-to-shop-for person on your list.

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A splinter group demanding more rights for animals has broken away from the ASPCA. “We believe animals deserve all the same fundamental rights as humans,” said Wilt Hamilton, leader of the breakaway contingent. “And that includes the right to bear arms.”

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A new business called the Internet of Empty Boxes claims to be the ultimate cutting edge in online shopping experiences and is attracting tech workers, hipsters, and other customers who want to be the first to get the next new thing.

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Fans of thirty-one of the thirty-two teams in the National Football League have banded together to demand that Commissioner Roger Goodell institute a change requiring Jed York, owner of the San Francisco 49ers, to retain ownership of the team in perpetuity. York is a divisive figure, and football fans across America say the 49ers should […]

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Martin Winterkorn, the former CEO of Volkswagen who recently resigned and accepted responsibility for the scandal over manipulation of emissions tests, will soon be cashing in on all that responsibility-taking. He is reportedly in high demand on the speakers circuit, where other top executives want to hear how he kept profits high for so many […]

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Many Americans consider Donald Trump a blowhard with no appreciation of fine thought or subtle expression. What few people know is that while Trump was in college he composed and published many, many poems.

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