KID: When are we going to be at Grandma’s? I want to get out. WIFE: It’ll just be a couple more minutes. ME: If we survive. There are more than 30,000 traffic fatalities a year in this country.
Read More...When I see the violence my children do
I am reassured the world will be the way it is for a long, long time to come.
Read More...A Middle Manager Faces Down Defeat
What do you mean, “error”? What error? I need this printout for the meeting. No, don’t freeze up. Not now. Come on, print, damn it. Print! The executive vice president is going to be there. Not now. It can’t be. How can this happen to me? Oh, it needs paper.
Read More...A Middle Manager in His Berserker Rage
What the hell is happening up there? We haven’t moved in, like, five minutes. There, the light just turned again. Damn it! Damn it all to hell I’m late already! AAhhhhhhh! Aaahhhhhhh! Aahhhhhh! Ouch. That steering wheel is harder than it looks.
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
KID: [After hugging] Mommy, you’re all wet.
WIFE: It’s sweat. I was exercising.
ME: Did you know that sweat is essentially diluted urine?
While waiting to check out
at a bookstore recently—remember those?—The Stoneslide was reminded of an important restaurant maxim. A customer two people ahead was complaining with vigor and petulance about an inconsequential matter. She was laying into the clerk, too, not only the store, despite this being out of the clerk’s control. The clerk was a pro, though, letting the […]
Read More...Five Home Movies
1. April 2007 ME: Go ahead. Coo coo coo coo. [Lips making raspberry sound.] WIFE: Everyone, she just smiled. I’m telling you, she smiled at her daddy. It was amazing. Maybe she’ll do it again. ME: Coo cooo. Daddy makes a silly face. Silly faces. You like silly faces, don’t you? BABY: Waaahhhh. [Whining.] WIFE: […]
Read More...How Life Turns Into Art
I’m standing at the sink, peering into the mirror as I draw the razor up my face, erasing a line of white shaving cream. My five-year-old daughter reaches around me to put her hand under the running faucet. She brings the handful of water up to the top of her head, then draws her hands […]
Read More...A Middle Manager’s Experience of the Sublime
I saw Mr. Harris, the CEO, get out of his car this morning. A Mercedes.
Read More...A Middle Manager’s Advice to His Son
When you grow up and work in a busy office, as I do now, always be sure to use the bathroom early, when the cleaning crew has just been there. People do disgusting things during the day. When you see the blue fluid still in the bowl, you know you will be clean and pure. Remember this, my son.
Read More...My mind knows more tricks
than I do. Sneaky bastard is always getting me in trouble.
Read More...How many times have I done the right thing
because the line for the wrong thing was too long? The long waiting times for vice and pleasure might be the only things saving the world.
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