The Act of Contrition is the Church’s first official translation of a prayer into the language of social media. With the newly rewritten prayer, the Church has also agreed that Catholics may now text their confessions into their parish priests.
Read More...Back-to-School Gift Assist: Get What’s Yours
Made of basalt and an industrial-grade steel alloy, its spring-loaded, fist-shaped ball is suitable for injuring parents, relatives, or anyone else who tries to make it seem like you have nothing to do with your very own triumphs.
Read More...Back-to-School Gift Assist: Prevent Fatherly Tomfoolery
Keep unsavory parental friends out of your home with the inflatable Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort®.
Read More...Back-to-School Gift Assist—See It before They Do: The Loser-Diluter Handyscan
You’re the kid who’s been bullied since second grade. It’s obvious why, right? You’re skinny, tall, and uncoordinated. You play wizard games, or worse, “house,” at school. You painted your fingernails that one time in fourth grade. You wear cotton sweatpants. Your parents are Wiccans. You still carry a lunchbox. But it’s back to […]
Read More...Mayor of Great American City Apologizes Preemptively for Her Upcoming Dumb Idea
You may have heard of Oakland, California, and if you have it’s likely because of the notorious three-time Super Bowl Champion Oakland Raiders or the nine-time World Series Champion Oakland Athletics. But there’s so much more to Oakland than those two standouts. The New York Times named Oakland number five in its “45 Places […]
Read More...If you ever want a primer on how to waste a life
just ask me.
Read More...Beers are like hugs. Liquor is a kiss.
PTA President Pens a Desperate Plea for Strength
Vanessa Stewart had been pushed to what she thought was her limit as PTA president. Over her three years she had put up with a lot of nonsense. The Communications Chair had taken a disliking to the PTA Vice President. Vanessa hadn’t weighed in, trusting that the two could work it out in an adult fashion. Instead, the Communications Chair took to her Twitter account and began cyberbullying the Vice President.
Read More...U.S. Intelligence Community to Propose Surveillance-Free Zone
The U.S. Intelligence Community will propose creating a “Surveillance-Free Zone” within the continental United States, enabling citizens interested in maintaining their civil rights to have at least one spot where they can stop worrying that the government is monitoring their texts about when to meet at Arby’s.
Read More...It’s four a.m.
Do you know where your self-respect is?
Read More...Meet George
We would like to present to you our friend, George McHugh. George has recently started a consulting and career advising business. His specialty is training people in how to appear authoritative and informed in business meetings, even when they have no idea what’s going on or when their only ideas are foolish bordering on calamitous. So, if you often find yourself in meetings feeling envious that the most idiotic and craven consistently get all the plaudits, then call George.
Read More...Protests Erupt over the Lone Banker Convicted for a Role in the Financial Crisis
Recent reports that only one banker has been jailed as a result of the financial crisis that shook the global economy and immiserated billions have sparked outrage. A loosely organized coalition of bankers, hedge fund managers, and investors are rallying to get that one banker freed, using the slogans “I Am Banker X!” and “Free Banker X!”
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