It’s said occasionally that in Vegas you can bet on anything. It might be true. A bookmaker in Las Vegas has released a money line on whether or not the mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, will declare martial law before the 2015 election. Winkel’s Wagers, the sports book taking the bets, says the money line […]

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In case you (foolhardily) don’t follow us on Twitter or like us on Facebook, see what we uncovered yesterday, an innovative navigational aid for use on and around the George Washington Bridge. Google Maps has deployed a new symbol that warns travelers of extreme traffic conditions. By the way, if you aren’t with us on […]

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Hire someone to hang out with you 24 hours a day and at random intervals throw a variety of viscous fluids onto you. These assaults should take you by surprise, and then require considerable time to clean up, often leaving permanent stains on your favorite clothes and any nearby furniture. Some of this goop should periodically […]

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Prepare for parenthood by hiring a man to follow you around and at unpredictable times punch you in the balls. When your children grow old enough to jump on your lap, leading with their ball peen knees, of course, you’ll be used to the sensation. Sadly, there is no way to prepare for the emotional […]

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A rumor swirling through the Windy City’s streets suggests that Mayor Rahm Emanuel may be a habitual shoplifter. Whatever the truth behind this cold and biting insinuation, the mayor’s many subjects, err, fellow citizens, find it easy to believe.

One form of the rumor suggests that a reporter at the The Chicago Intelligencerester newspaper and website discovered a cover-up by which Chicago Police brass were regularly deleting call items pertaining to the mayor’s alleged activities. The reporter spoke to street vendors, proprietors of mom and pop shops, and department store clerks, all of whom had filed official reports alleging they’d witnessed the mayor’s sticky fingers in action. But all of the complaints seemed to disappear. According to the rumor, the reporter, Dinklun T. St. James, was offered a lucrative screenwriting contract by the mayor’s brother Ari Emanuel to hush up the explosive story.

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Our Gift Assists are carefully designed and curated to provide you with the certainty that you will be giving the recipients something that they will truly cherish and value–unlike the tons of scented candles, glossy food books, and mysteriously unctuous lotions that cycle quickly from under the tree to the back of a closet and […]

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Your asshole parents have purchased a security system with streaming video and audio that they can tap into from anywhere. Everything’s encrypted so mightily that only MIT and Stanford grads can hack into it. Now when you and your friends need your much-deserved breaks from school or other hassles, you can’t use your place. Think […]

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Finding the right gift can be so hard. Especially if you are of a cynical, doubting, sarcastic disposition and your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is of the seasonally uplifted and joyous hordes. Your insightful observations about the absurdity of going to the mall when everyone in the world is already there are met with blank incomprehension. Your comparison between the mall and a watering hole in the desert kindles a spark of resentment. Your suggestion that a few predators might help the situation at the mall raises the flames and you’re back in that argument about your attitude again.

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Do your dipshit parents constantly bitch if you stay in your room when relatives visit during the holidays? Do they, further, whatever time of year, insist on trying to get you to listen when they speak? Stoneslide Media has the gift for you: Silent Night and Day.

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Rudolph will fit in in any setting and he will get along with anyone, including folks who aren’t heavy drinkers! In double-blind trials, Rudolph’s behavior, speech, and even his skin were so genuine that unmarried female study participants offered him their phone numbers unbidden 26% of the time. (Married female participants offered 80% of the time.)

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