In the three days immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, the American news media ran 4,378 dispensations of advice on what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, according to a media survey performed by The Stoneslide Corrective. These chirpy radio bits, television segments, and newspaper columns were undoubtedly of great utility; why else would there be so […]
Read More...Using Leftover Leftovers that Remain Left Over: the European Edition
by Erica Gingerich So Thanksgiving is finally done and gone. You’ve crashed back to earth following the commercial sugar high from Black Friday shopping and the toxic glycemic effect it had on your credit cards. Hopefully everyone’s packed their leftovers into the freezer for reuse at a Christmas or Christmas-like dinner (or to survive […]
Read More...A simile walks backward
when I slide my tongue into the slot in an electric outlet my skin burns, my heart pounds, all my senses jump like I had just kissed your lips.
Read More...A Middle Manager Delivers a Speech at His Brother-in-Law’s Barbecue
Have you ever noticed that if you’re standing in an elevator and you fart, someone you know is bound to get on at the next floor. But, you know, if you’re near the coffee machine, the smell of the coffee covers up almost anything. Drug smugglers use it to fool the dogs, don’t they? You […]
Read More...Confused Love Poetry
Today I saw a pigeon that looked so much like a blue jay
I couldn’t tell it wasn’t a blue jay
Until I tried to kiss it.
Some Smell Thing
Tina loved the way he smelled when he held her. She’d first noticed his particular kind of cleanness, as if he just naturally emitted the scent of fresh air in the mountains, when he’d touched her shoulder standing by the copier and left his hand there long enough to mean something, to definitely mean something.
Read More...Utility Executive Demonstrates How Average People Will Suffer if His Company Is Fined
The President and CEO of Tohd Power and Light took advantage of a recent town hall meeting to prove that the public will be harmed if his company is fined for overcharging customers.
Read More...I used to feel perfectly American
when eating bacon, eggs, steak, spicy wings, and mashed potatoes with my Remington 870 12 gauge over my shoulder and my Sig Sauer .45ACP at my side. Then my smart-mouthed friend Will asked why I don’t use my guns to eat. Well, I couldn’t get that idea out of my head.
Read More...Pope Francis’ Twitter Account Hacked; Ex-Pope Benedict XVI “a Person of Interest”
The Holy See confirmed that the pontiff’s stream was penetrated but insisted that the offending tweets were taken down “faster than you can say ‘Galileo.’”
Church officials say they take the pope’s security seriously, and “that includes his Twitter stream. We cannot have the Holy Father being violated,” says Antonio Russo, legate a latere and a spokesman for the pontiff.
Read More...Brewers Fan Apologizes Preemptively for What He Will Do in 2014
Ryan Braun, when you take the field at the top of the first I will call you a scum-sucking piece of alleged—alleged, mind you—human shit. I will then correct myself, and tell you that if a piece of alleged human shit took a shit that then took a shit that was puked on, it would be you. When I notice, in my peripheral vision, my three sons looking up in amazement and wonder, I will tell you to look at what you’re doing to the American family.
Read More...The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman
If he makes one more remark about my weight I’m going to max out all the cards.
Read More...The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman
How could I stay there? They only have 22-hour room service.
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