Criminal defense attorneys around the country are developing a new legal strategy that they call the “Trump did it” defense. These attorneys, who are waiting until the Inauguration to officially unveil their plan, say it will aid clients facing a wide range of charges, including sexual assault, perjury, embezzlement, securities fraud, espionage, and solicitation. “We are a nation of laws,” says Marty Klein, a public defender in Brooklyn. “That means that the same rules have to apply to the person at the top as apply to those at the bottom. If Trump isn’t held accountable for a behavior, that’s a signal that, hey, our society has judged that thing to be okay. Our clients should be held to the same low standard we hold our president to.” In other news, Twitter will change its terms of service to encourage personal abuse and ban excessive displays of tolerance.

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Facebook announced a plan to deal with the “fake news” controversy. The company has been accused of not doing enough to stem the flow of false news stories in users’ feeds, and some critics have argued that the spread of unfounded rumors and conspiracy theories may have contributed to Donald Trump’s electoral victory. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a decisive and in his words “absolutely guaranteed” solution. The social network will henceforth block any accurate news from showing in users’ feeds. “This way our users, a sixth of humanity by the way, will know the truth value of anything they see on Facebook—namely that it’s all bullshit,” said Zuckerberg. Answering questions about whether the company has a responsibility to play umpire, Zuckerberg responded, “We can’t evaluate and remove every piece of bogus hype or inflated paranoia. It’s much easier to remove the true stuff. There’s hardly any of it on Facebook to begin with.”

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President-elect Donald J. Trump said stamping out “reverse racism” will be a “huge priority” for his administration.

He said he is going to outlaw the use of many words and expressions, such as “Dutch oven,” “Dutch uncle,” “going Dutch,” “shenanigans,” and “tomfoolery.” He added that he is also considering banning the use of “mansplain.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell challenged the program, saying, “This sounds a lot like a nanny state.”

Trump later called McConnell. Trump adviser Rudolf Giuliani said the president-elect assured McConnell that sexist and racist remarks will still be allowed “as long as they’re directed at women and people of color.”

Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said he hasn’t decided whether to allow racist speech about Jews. “Mr. Trump is still grappling with the Jewish question.”

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Donald J. Trump is denying rumors that some of his campaign aides, full of regret at what they’ve done to America, are proposing that Inauguration Day be renamed Quadrennial Insult Your Intelligence Day. The president-elect said, “All that talk is just a bunch of falsehooderies! Nobody from my campaign is ashamed of what we’ve brought upon our beautiful, conservative, capitalistic country!”

Vice President-elect Mike Pence echoed Trump’s statement. “We couldn’t be happier with the way that we’re about to rule this nation. All authority stops with me—I mean, my president. No, our president. Everyone’s. Including the majority of Americans, the over-50 percent who didn’t vote for him.”

In other news, Iowa senator Joni Ernst restated her claim that “clean water is overrated.”

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Republicans today released their long-anticipated plan to replace Obamacare, and they claim it will reduce medical expenditures on the uninsured by 50%. Anyone without insurance who faces a life-threatening medical problem, regardless of pre-existing conditions, will be able to submit a petition for coverage to a new federal insurance clearinghouse. Each petition will be matched with a similar request. The two petitioners will be invited to a hearing where they will have an opportunity to explain to an expert panel why they deserve to live. The one who makes a better case will receive treatment. “Right there, we’re cutting costs in half,” said Republican Senator Rand Paul. “Republicans know how to make healthcare work again.”

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The election of Donald J. Trump has led to a sharp drop in complaints by liberals about all other subjects. According to media monitoring firm Panops, mentions of traffic, smelly Uber drivers, watery lattes, and gout have all declined by 95% percent since Tuesday night. Panops CEO Justin Spry explained that his firm monitors all the major social networking channels to provide real-time mood information to brands and marketers. “Just looking at the data I have,” said Spry, “you’d think we’ve entered a new golden age for liberals. It’s like all their problems disappeared. For instance, we used to see an average of 1.26 complaints about lines at Whole Foods, per liberal, per day. That’s now at less than 0.0005.”

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Republican Party Chair Reince Priebus argued that Americans should vote for Donald Trump for president because he’s much better at hiding stuff than Hillary Clinton is. “We have all these emails coming out all the time. She can’t control any of it,” said Priebus. “Look at Donald, on the other hand. We only have one partial document out of all the years he’s filed taxes—and I say filed, not paid. There are, what, 13 women who’ve accused him of groping. Come on, you and I know he’s done this to hundreds of women, probably thousands. He can’t help himself, but he manages to keep these things quiet. That’s a critical skill for any president. The president has to do all kinds of evil stuff he can’t let the American people know anything about. Donald J. Trump is ready for that challenge.”

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Hillary Clinton’s staff is frantically working on revisions to her plans for her first 100 days in office. Plans to update Obamacare and pass an economic stimulus bill are being backburnered in favor of her new conviction that the federal government must do something to address the plague of email. An anonymous high-ranking Clinton aide tells Stoneslide, “She’s been focused on this since yesterday. She keeps saying, ‘This fucking email thing. We’ve got to stop it! It’s going to kill us.’ It’s all she’ll say. Even when we ask her how much she wants to raise taxes on the wealthy, she just says, ‘Email.'” Staffers are drawing up position papers recommending email be regulated by the FCC, an increase in the marketing budget of the US Post Office, requiring public schools to teach children about the danger of email instead of drugs, and other measures to reduce the harm email does in American life.

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Donald J. Trump announced that if elected he will put a halt to all government funding of bench research. “We already know everything there is to know about benches. I swear, this is a country full of morons.”

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WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26 — Donald J. Trump is assuring voters that he will “put a stop to our country’s women problem.” Trump promised supporters that if elected he will require all women to undergo hysterectomies.

Trump said, “We are going to make women great! Not again, but for the first time! The world’s problems are right there in the word, ‘hysterical.’ I told you I had the best words!”

Trump said the procedure will be performed on every white woman with an intelligence quotient score of 140 or higher, and every last woman of color, regardless of her IQ.

Trump spokeswoman Scottie Nell Hughes said exceptions will be made for Trump’s daughter Ivanka, Omarosé Onee Maginault, and Tila Tequila.

The Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States said that women need his guidance and medical advice. “These females don’t know what’s good for them. I’ll teach ’em. I’ll show ’em who’s boss,” he said.

Charles “The Goatfucker” Jones, a professional wrestler from Elko, Nevada, said he thinks Trump is right. “All these beeyotches need to shut up about me whistling or pinching. With Mr. Trump as president, they finally will.”

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Being hacked is the new status symbol in Washington, DC. Since Wikileaks started releasing the hacked emails of Clinton campaign head John Podesta, a slew of other political nabobs have been hoping to be important enough to get hacked—or at least to seem that way. Russian hacker Guccifer said he receives at least a dozen inquiries a day from Washington strivers begging him to send their correspondence on to Wikileaks. “They think it makes them look powerful, important, like big guy,” he said. Since the polls in the US presidential election have swung toward Clinton, most of the unsolicited correspondence Guccifer receives is filled with suspiciously verbose praise of the Democratic candidate. But that’s not all he sees. One famous political power couple sent him a sex tape on the theory that such an embarrassing video could only have been obtained in a genuine hack. “I can’t look at my screen for three days since I open that,” said Guccifer.

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At a rally in Ohio, Donald J. Trump said that accusations that he has made unwanted sexual advances on at least nine women are tearing the nation apart. “It’s sad. It’s really sad,” Trump said. “These women say I touched them, grabbed their breasts, kissed them, whatever they say. And the rest of the women get so mad. You know what I’m saying. The other women think they’re missing out. Hey, there’s only one of me, okay, but everyone wants a piece.” After he launched into a digression on the topic of diner food versus fast food and how restaurant owners say Trump is the best patron ever, he returned to the topic of sexual harassment. “Once elected, I promise I will grope every woman who’s a United States citizen. Even the ones who, you know, I’ll have to close my eyes. None of you ladies will have to be jealous.” Trump spokeswoman Scottie Nell Hughes refused to lay out a timeline of when the Republican candidate would fulfill his promise.

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