Abstinence–only advocate Bristol Palin announced that the father of her baby is Jesus. “Jesus fills me with his divine love all the time. He is my new son’s daddy,” Palin said. The daughter of a disgraced one–time vice presidential hopeful said the child was conceived on a particularly heavenly night of Christian passion. “It was similar to The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa, whose story was depicted visually by the artist Bernini,” Palin said. People have questioned whether Palin is educated enough to know of that sculpture, or if she was coached. Her mother, Sarah Palin, said, “Jesus would never ask for a handout, unlike that loser who claims to have bedded her on the night in question.” Bristol is expected to pray all week for Jesus’ DNA to appear in an Alaska clinic’s petri dish.

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Inspired by the tactics of the anti-government militia that took over a wildlife refuge in Oregon, moderate Republicans are embracing newly aggressive moves aimed at wresting control of the GOP from the Tea Party. One group, calling itself FrumNation, has started occupying abandoned Bush campaign HQs in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Ohio. They have issued demands, including that the media stop paying attention to the most flagrant and outrageous elements in the Republican Party and instead ask questions like, who is the most sensible and judicious among the candidates? They also insist that Barack Obama stop making the mean squinty faces that cause so much partisanship and distemper on among Republicans. The activists vow to remain in the otherwise vacant storefronts until all of their conditions are met—or until a legitimate facility owner, or his or her representative, asks them politely to move along, since respect for property rights is one of their core values.

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The American anti-abortion group Center for Medical Progress has announced that news of North Korea having detonated a hydrogen bomb is “a crock of you-know-what.” The country merely exploded tens of thousands of unlaundered gym socks, according to the group. “We know hoaxes, and this latest ‘news’ definitely qualifies,” said group founder David Daleiden. Amnesty International has questioned CMP’s claim that the detonated materièl was gym socks, and said more credible sources claim that what exploded were the hopes and dreams of teens yearning to attend summer school at the Royal Danish Ballet.

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The Obama Administration denied that tensions with Saudi Arabia have risen in the wake of that nation’s recent mass executions and ongoing support of radical groups. Said White House press secretary Josh Earnest: “Saudi Arabia is still a dear friend of this nation. They’re like the kind of friend you’ve known so long that you can get through any little kerfuffle. You know, like the guy you’ve known since middle school, and you used to smoke dope together behind the gym, and you both got laid for the first time at his big brother’s party with the strippers. Now you live in different neighborhoods, but you’ll always be friends. When you hear he executed a few people in his basement, that doesn’t change the friendship. Or if he starts putting your picture out on the internet with a bounty, well, you get through these kinds of things.”

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Government officials say there is no truth to assertions that they’re not killing the perpetrators of a takeover of federal property in Oregon because the perpetrators are white. “That is patently false. The reason these perpetrators aren’t being killed is because they’re law-abiding,” said a state official, speaking anonymously because he didn’t want to be caught lying. When reminded that an armed takeover is illegal, and every single one of the perpetrators is white, the official stood his ground, saying, “The color of these people’s skin is not nearly as important as the fact that they believe free school lunch for poor children and Section 8 housing are inherently evil. Also, they think Carly Fiorina AND Hillary Clinton are ugly.”

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Looking to revitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush announced a new immigration plan based on free-market principles. Calling Donald Trump’s proposal to deport all 11 million undocumented immigrants “wildly unrealistic” Bush instead plans to issue 11 million work visas to private companies, mostly hedge funds and private equity firms. The companies will then lease or lend the right to work to individuals and take a percentage of their earnings until the debt is paid off. “This great country was founded on indentured servitude as much as slavery,” said Bush. “Some people forget that! But we’re going to bring that back!” He also sought to encourage his supporters by telling them to look at graphs of poll numbers upside down. “That way I’m on top!”

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There are likely to be many sad faces this Christmas morning, since a boat loaded with Donald J. Trump Plushy dolls has been delayed making it to a US port. The dolls, featuring realistic comb-overs and a huggable plush body, are the breakout hit of the holiday season. Not for children (thank goodness) but for anxious middle-aged Republican voters who can hold a Trump Plushy at night and squeeze it to hear reassuring messages like: “I’ll stop the Muslim killers.” “I won’t let an immigrant take your job. God knows, they would work harder, faster, and better than you, so I’ll build a wall to keep them out.” The initial shipment of this coveted doll was first delayed when a fire broke out in the Malaysian plant where they were being assembled–killing 17 child workers and shutting down the line for days. The cargo ship carrying the first 1 million completed dolls was then blown off course by an unexpected typhoon that some have attributed to the effects of global warming. The latest projections show the ship arriving December 26. An aftermarket doll assembler has offered December 24th delivery of 1 million replacements patched together from Meg Whitman’s face, Chris Christy’s body, and bleached swaths of Marco Rubio’s hair.

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The vice president of officiating for the National Football League has announced that Magic 8 Balls will be available to referees during the playoffs. Dean Blandino said every host stadium will have one game-active 8 Ball and two backups. “When you have to make a tough decision about something important, like whether Tom Brady was roughed up, whether a back fumbled, or a receiver bobbled, the counsel available from one of these black beauties can make all the difference. There’s nothing like a Magic 8 Ball for sound, accurate judgment, and we want our officials to have the best tools at their disposal,” Blandino said. He added that he himself, in New York on game days, will also have an 8 Ball, and further, he will be able to communicate wirelessly with on-field officials so that his stupidity can be linked instantly with theirs, ensuring that any dumb decision or thought process can be enhanced with even greater idiocy. “Don’t get me wrong,” Blandino said, “a lot of our officials are already capable of seriously mucking up a game, but we can always muck up more. I think I have a role to play in that.” FIFA officials are studying how to use the 8 Ball in the other football that the rest of the world cares about and have already figured out a way to control the outcome of a shake in return for cash payments. In other news, Minnesota named the wood chipper its state flower.

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The intense interest in the Republican presidential primary is having an influence on holiday promotions, as marketers seek every possible way to catch the attention of last minute shoppers. Hallmark announced a partnership with the Rubio campaign to sell “Marco Christmas” nativity scenes with a baby Marco Rubio in the manger. The Tom Wilkens Ford dealership in Chattanooga, Tennessee, is offering a “buy one car, get a politician free” deal through December 25. Hasbro is selling Ted Cruz-branded toy flamethrowers. And in other news, hackers broke into Donald Trump’s twitter account and started retweeting anything with the hashtag #PumpTrump. For four hours, @realdonaldtrump mindlessly pumped out the worst sludge and drivel humanity could concoct. No one noticed until a tweet underestimated Trump’s net worth.

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In light of another instance of a hoverboard bursting into flames, Donald Trump has bought hoverboards for his Republican opponents and their staffs. “I don’t wish ill on anyone. But if these people dropped out of the race I wouldn’t mind,” Trump said. A hoverboard was also sent to Russian president Vladimir Putin from Turkey’s head of state, Recep Tayyip Erdo?an. It has also been reported that Al Gore gifted a 1973 Ford Pinto to Ralph Nader. In other news, embattled California utility Pacific Gas & Electric said “our practices and methodologies are super-duper safe.”

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has determined that a catch occurs when a fairy descends from the sky and brushes the finest neck hairs of the intended receiver with a wee comb. While the catch is underway, the fairy also says in its fairy voice “Oh yes you can” over and over. As long as these standards are met, according to Goodell it doesn’t matter if the ball touches the ground or is snatched away by a defender. After making his decision, Goodell took a few staffers out for a steak dinner, where he told stories of his days playing quarterback and vandalizing special education teachers’ cars at Bronxville High School, in Bronxville, New York. In other news, Yahoo has decided to sell itself at a cookout to be held in back of a dive bar.

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The day after a historic climate accord was announced in Paris, Congressional Republicans continued to dispute the science underlying the agreement. Rep. Louie Gohmert (R—Texas) said, “They claim that 190 countries joined this turkey, but there aren’t even that many countries in the world. These climate hoaxers can’t stop making stuff up. I asked Steve King (R—Iowa) how many countries there are, and between us we could only think of 13. One hundred and ninety? It’s ridiculous. Ed Whitfield (R—Kentucky) told me he counted on a map a bunch of times and he never got higher than 23.”

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