Republicans assailed the media for paying excessive attention to the Paris climate talks. “The whole thing is based on pseudoscience,” said senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz. “The media validates it by giving it so much coverage. Personally, I’m paying much more attention to the 15th International Gathering of Angel Watchers, where they’re discussing the recent increases in heavenly visitations, and what that means for the prophecies in the Book of Revelations. Are you surprised that the media ignore God’s work to serve their liberal politician masters? I’ve noticed that all the angels I’ve seen look a little bit like me. Have you noticed that?”

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A new proposal from Donald Trump could increase economic growth while securing the borders. Trump laid out his idea at a campaign rally today: “We all know that these enviros with their pollution rules are killing our economy. I mean any idiot can see that. What’s the fastest growing country right now? China. I know, isn’t it crazy that Obama just lets that happen? Well, look at their cities. You can’t walk outside unless you have a gas mask—one of those World War I things, you know. It messes up your hair, though. We need more pollution like that, so we can grow, and all the immigrants, the people who want to come here and take our stuff and rape our women and blow us up, they’ll see that and they’ll say, ‘No way I’m going there.’ So we’ll be growing the economy and we’ll be safe, as long as we wear our gas masks.”

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One theme to come out of the ongoing Paris Climate Summit is the idea that the threat from climate change is actually greater than the threat from terrorism. ISIS, Al Qaeda, Boko Haram, the Tamil Tigers, and the Ku Klux Klan released the following joint statement today: “A number of reports have claimed that climate change is worse than us. The truth may hurt, but we must face this hard reality—it’s the only way to grow and learn. We, together, pledge to do better in the future. Our unambiguous goal is that by the time the next round of ineffectual climate talks rolls around, even though the climate challenge will only get worse in the meantime, no one will be able to claim that it is more of a threat to civilization, decency, or life on this planet than we are. Thank you for your attention. Again, we aim to do better in the future and to meet and even surpass your expectations of us.”

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Concerned about recent reports in the New York Times and Financial Times that portrayed life in its territory as bleak and oppressive, ISIS has hired a new creative director charged with spiffing up its reputation. Amin Hana, who previously worked for a large Saudi oil services firm, says his first move will be to change the ISIS flag from black to “dark, dark, dark grey. Black is too absolute. We want people to know that there’s room for all kinds of ideas here, as long as they comport with a reactionary interpretation of Islamic law.” He has also developed a new tagline for the Islamic State: “The good life starts here!” He says, “We can make big steps with brand consistency. Just imagine every beheading video, the executioner is wearing a new authorized t-shirt that’s just the right shade of dark, dark, dark grey (we’ve found a shade that hardly even shows blood stains) and has the tagline emblazoned on its chest. People will see there’s a lot to love about ISIS.”

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After reading a New York Times report that ISIS has failed to keep basic services—like roads, schools, and hospitals—running in the territory it controls, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie suspended his presidential campaign and began packing to travel to Syria. “I believe the governing style I brought to New Jersey, and especially some of our bridges and highways, will fit perfectly in ISIS territory,” said Christie as he threw socks, ties, and underwear into a large green duffel bag.

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Republican presidential candidate John Kasich denounced the “fantasy tax plans” of his rivals today. He pointed out their “unrealistic” growth assumptions, use of controversial dynamic scoring methods, and other chicanery. Kasich said he had “grave doubts” about Donald Trump’s insistence that, once inaugurated as president, everything he, Trump, touched would turn to gold, resolving the deficit problem within hours. Kasich described Marco Rubio’s plan to singlehandedly find and defeat Smaug, in order to contribute Smaug’s treasure hoard to the national treasury, as “admirable but a bit naive.” Finally, Kasich said he thought Ben Carson’s plan to store the national petroleum reserve inside the Washington Monument was “not feasible.”

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After it was widely reported that Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas shook hands while attending the Paris climate talks, spokesmen for both leaders denied the gesture had any meaning. “He shook dozens of other hands, even Angela Merkel’s,” said Israel’s top flack. After the handshake, Bibi was heard to say, “What do you think of the new Adele album?” “I can’t stop listening to ‘Hello,'” replied Abbas. Spokesmen denied the banter had any deeper meaning. The two leaders then locked eyes and briefly, ever so briefly, allowed their lips to come together in a deniable kiss, after which Netanyahu was heard to say, “Is it getting hot on this planet or is it just me?”

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Colorado Assemblywoman JoAnn Windholz said today that Planned Parenthood is to blame for a deadly attack it suffered at its Colorado Springs clinic. Windholz, a Republican from Colorado’s 30th district, said “Anyone who is a little unstable and who knows what Planned Parenthood and the sluts who run it does could be driven to do violence. Inside those walls, violence is done every day.” Windholz’ remarks about blameworthiness in a violent attack are at odds with what she said last week about the crucifixion of the Christian god Christ. Windholz said Christ was not responsible for his own death—unlike folks who are killed when people who hate Planned Parenthood plan and execute an assault. In a statement, Windholz said Christ was crucified because his fellow Jews hated the idea of redistributing wealth to poor people, and even though that WAS something Jesus promoted, it still was NOT his fault that he was killed. “Jesus’ brand of socialism, unlike the modern kind, did not do violence to people’s personal wealth,” she said. Windholz also said that puppies are adorable, unicorns are not real, and winter is coming.

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Kevin McCarthy, the US House Majority Leader, sent a clear message to President Obama today, declaring that Congress will not support any climate agreement to come out of the talks in Paris if it costs US taxpayers even a single cent. McCarthy also said that the President should not plan on bringing back any mementos or souvenirs of his time in Paris. “The US taxpayer can’t be forced to pay to keep the planet habitable, and he certainly can’t be forced to pay for Eiffel Tower keychains, no matter how much the President wants one. We have the power of the purse.” McCarthy also stressed that any climate agreement must include a mechanism by which poorer countries put aside financial reserves in order to repay the United States when the US is forced to bomb those countries. “If we don’t do something, the cost of all these bombs is going to prevent us from bombing as much as we should,” said McCarthy. He argued that bombs are carbon neutral, since they disrupt other carbon-intensive activities.

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The Obama Administration and Congressional Republicans agreed on the creation of a new “Terrorism” Czar. The cabinet-level position will be responsible for deciding what acts can be called “terrorism.” The President’s spokesman Josh Earnest said, “We can all agree that terrorism is bad; we just can’t agree on what is or isn’t terrorism. This new cabinet officer will decide if any given act is really ‘terrorism.’ He or she will also make the call on whether an act is ‘kinda terrorism’ or in some cases ‘yeah, duh, terrorism.'” The new czar will also have the power to create new categories of atrocity, such as “TerrorismLite” or “Murder with an Unnecessarily Bad Attitude.” Several corporations are said to be preparing lobbying operations to influence the new “Terrorism” Czar. Google, for one, will petition to name the use of Bing a crime against humanity.

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The Republican Governors Association and the National Rifle Association have announced a joint program to aid those suffering in the wake of mass shootings. Recognizing that Second Amendment enthusiasts are often troubled by a pinch of doubt in such challenging times, the two conservative organizations will fund a crack response squad to bring comfort and ideological reinforcement to people all over the country. “Left untreated, that little seed of doubt can grow and mutate into anger, self-loathing, or even a temptation to turn off Fox News,” explained Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA. The response squads will be equipped with blankets, warm tea, and statistics about the importance of guns to the American way of life. “We have to care for all the victims of these terrible events,” said LaPierre.

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In proposed legislation, Congressional Republicans have offered a compromise on the Syrian refugee issue by creating a program to admit up to 10,000 abused and neglected firearms from the war-torn region. “We all want to help the victims of this conflict,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “While the security risks associated with admitting human refugees are too high, we can still use this moment to show the world that we believe in liberty—and first and foremost among our God-given rights is the right to bear arms. We have already lined up thousands of compassionate, Christian families around the country willing to shelter, protect, and refurbish these orphaned weapons.”

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