Mike Stammerhanz, the mayor of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, has proposed a novel way to fight ISIS abroad while battling the scourge of litter at home. “We pack up our garbage and drop it on ISIS-controlled territory,” says Stammerhanz. “Believe me, nothing gets people madder at their local government than seeing trash that isn’t picked up promptly. ISIS will spend all their time fielding calls for cleanups, and they won’t have time for anymore military adventuring. Plus, we won’t have to worry about collateral damage, especially if we drop food waste. And there’s a benefit back home: everyday Americans will know that by placing their trash in the appropriate receptacle, they’re doing their part to fight terrorism.”

Americans are so enjoying the overcrowded and feisty Republican presidential field that they want to find a way to keep all the candidates around. A Constitutional amendment being proposed by the Heckerly Foundation would allow up to 12 Republicans to share the office of president. If elected, the dozen would rotate on a weekly basis through the presidency, vice presidency, and major cabinet posts. Cabinet meetings—sure to be filled with zingers and backstabbing—would be broadcast live, as would the dramatic moment each week when the new president arrived at the Oval Office to turn out the previous president (who then goes down to the bottom to be secretary of transportation). Any office holder who wants to eliminate a federal agency could do so when it was his or her turn to head that agency, but the agency would come back the next week. Ted Cruz would thus be able to eliminate the Department of Commerce twice every six months.

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson posted his account of last night’s debate on his campaign blog today. Here is an excerpt: “I was filled with sadness when I heard the applause for what Donald had said, knowing that every clap was a victory for Satan. I was near despair and considered giving up. But then Jesus himself appeared to me. He was forty feet high and glowing more brightly than the sun. He said unto me: ‘You are my chosen candidate. You are the most honest man here and also have the most gifted hands. You are correct to rest on Saturdays, not Sundays. Behold, I will make your poll numbers rise again!’ Jesus then gave me ten dollars and ascended back to Heaven.” Carson’s account could not be independently verified.

Last night’s Republican debate exposed a major divide between the candidates on the question of how best to deter illegal immigrants, with Donald Trump favoring razor wire and other candidates arguing for teams of hungry attack dogs or machine gun nests. Building on his argument that he represents a younger, forward-looking conservatism, Marco Rubio proposed using missile-equipped border patrol drones that could be piloted by anyone with an internet connection. “It looks and feels like a video game,” he said, “but you’re actually serving your country and defending the integrity of its borders.” Rubio pledged to have an iOS drone app launched within his first 100 days in office. “Not only is this a way to get more young people involved in civic life, it will allow us to close down most of the Department of Homeland Security, leading to cost savings that we can use for a bigger tax cut.”

Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio, and Jeb Bush released a rare joint statement today. It reads: “Today’s World Anti-Doping Agency report revealing a widespread doping program run by the Russian government is deeply concerning. Every American should recognize in this deeply researched report the evidence that once again President Obama can not match the vigor, strength, and stamina of Vladimir Putin (and now we know why). Is it not enough that Russia has humiliated us by barging into the Syrian conflict, but now we must be muscled aside in track and field and outscored on the field of sport (something Americans actually care about) by the Russian athletic dreadnought? The Republican Party supports doing whatever is necessary to keep America competitive and we pledge to invest whatever it takes to make up for the current administration’s fecklessness and to make American performance enhancement second-to-none (we assume this won’t involve any fetal tissue).”

Presidential candidate Ben Carson has made the widespread and deleterious effects of political correctness a primary theme in his campaign. However, historians warn that the scourge of PC may be even worse than the presidential wannabe realizes. According to those who study the matter, PC has started to mutate and to draw to itself enough power to work backwards in time and spread its blighting do-gooder influence over historical events. If left unchecked, historians warn, this PC power could in the next few weeks undo the genocides in Serbia and Rwanda by forcing people to see others as having rights equal to their own. It then could push back the commencement of female suffrage and the end of slavery, thereby enabling the entire adult population to participate in civic life centuries earlier than otherwise occurred. Given enough time, PC could even hamper the great historical conquests of men like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Alexander by forcing them to really see the value of each human life and weigh that against their desire for conquest and glory. “There’s no telling how PC could change the course of human civilization,” said Ben Carson. “This only reinforces the need for someone in the Oval Office who can fight off this pernicious force.”

A high-ranking US intelligence source says that the Obama Administration is becoming increasingly concerned about the emergence of another pseudo-state in lawless areas of Chad and the Central African Republic. The new group is called ISPJ, or Irreverent State of Practical Jokers. It is believed the ISPJ is responsible for planting a device on Turkish Airlines Flight 8896 that exploded and filled the cabin with confetti. Border and Customs Officers in ISPJ-controlled territory have been known to pretend to confiscate travelers’ passports and then give them back after a few seconds. One move that analysts see as a troubling indication that the group is taking on all the powers of a national government is the recent ISPJ regulation that all bathroom sinks in tourist zones be fitted with an adapter to squirt upwards toward the user’s face or chest.

Reports indicate that the Obama Administration is on the verge of killing the Keystone Pipeline. However, in a conciliatory gesture, Obama is offering a few compromise measures to Republican backers of the pipeline. Under the compromise plan, the US government will still send hundreds of millions of dollars to TransCanada, the Canadian company that proposed the pipeline, and TransCanada will truck down loads of oil and dump them in wilderness areas along the proposed pipeline route. “I’m disappointed,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “But at least there’s a recognition of how important oil companies are to this country.”

Observers say it is all but certain that the Federal Reserve will raise interest rates at its December meeting, even though the move is likely to slow economic growth. Many analysts have noted that the strong employment report released today may be enough to convince the Fed that the economy no longer needs extra support. But close Fed watchers say there are subtler indications. Fed chair Janet Yellen was recently seen taking back a kitten she had given to her granddaughter a few months earlier. “This tells us that she is mentally preparing to take something away from America, even though it will sadden and disappoint so many people,” said David Wessel, director of the Hutchins Center on Fiscal and Monetary Policy at the Brookings Institution. “The fact that she is keeping the kitten in a crate in her basement rather than having it euthanized, though, tells me that she might still change her mind.”

The head of the National Rifle Association is advocating that prison inmates carry guns for personal protection. Wayne La Pierre said prisoners are subject to all manner of attack, and the only way to stop the assaults is to have inmates pack heat. “In our prisons, all we need are good inmates with guns, and safety will break out all over,” La Pierre said. “Prison rape? Done. Cafeteria shanking? Done.” La Pierre further said that prisons could cut labor costs because they would be able to lay off interior guards and only post guards—armed, of course—at gates, towers, and walls. Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal said he likes the savings that the proposal makes possible. “You know me,” Jindal said, “I love a reasonable idea.” La Pierre said that prison systems could save even more money by buying the guns in huge, tens-of-thousands-at-a time bulk orders. At a rally in Elderwine, Oklahoma, La Pierre shouted, “Make America safe again! Put guns in prison!” In other news, George W. Bush egged his father’s house in broad daylight.

Middle America’s David Koch has voiced support for the business practices of Qatar Airways. Although the Gulf state airline recently started allowing its flight attendants to marry and also to get pregnant, Koch said he’s impressed by the company’s continued freeze–out of labor unions. Koch calls Qatar Airways’ CEO, Akbar Al Baker, “a visionary man. When he said, ‘You in the western world wouldn’t have such high unemployment if you outlawed unions,’ I got such a jolt of patriotism. I love America and its workers. That’s why I want to free them from the chimera of workers’ rights. Where in the Constitution does it say that employees should have any say over how they’re treated at work? If you don’t like a job, quit.” Koch and his lobbyists are pushing the US to take Qatar’s lead, and ban unions. “Unions are a cancer,” Koch said, “like freedom of the press.” In other news, Kansas governor Sam Brownback is prodding the state’s legislature to outlaw Venezuela.