Volkswagen admitted that it understated carbon dioxide emissions figures for gasoline powered cars, as well as diesel models. The company said that a “limited number” of cars were affected. Company spokesman Eric Felber explained, “You see, we could only cheat on as many cars as we produced, so the number can’t be infinite. We might go on cheating forever, theoretically making it possible for us to cheat with an unlimited number of cars, but today I can only address what has happened already, and that is a limited number.” Upon hearing the news, Donna Bahorich, chair of the Texas State Board of Education, immediately demanded that all history textbooks in the state be rewritten to state that American expansion displaced and killed a “limited number” of Native Americans.

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Continuing his campaign reboot, Jeb Bush today announced a new social media strategy. Drawing on techniques he learned working for the private equity wing of Lehman Brothers, he has assembled a consortium of Super PACs that will purchase Twitter and relaunch it as Jebber. “Get it? It’s like ‘jabber’ but with Jeb,” says Jon Downs, one of Bush’s advisors. The Bush team was drawn to Twitter when they saw that the company’s stock value was falling as fast as his poll numbers. “The strategy’s simple: No one cares about anything Jeb does, so no one talks about him. We have to take over the forum for political conversation. We have some big plans. We’re going to change the like icon to an exclamation point!” Jeb’s logo famously includes an exclamation point. “People might talk about that.”

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Democratic presidential candidates have presented their own set of demands to media organizations that plan to host future debates. These include “fairness and respect for truth, commitment to a discussion that elucidates policy choices, and a tone that befits the seriousness of a presidential election.” CNN, Fox, ABC, CBS, and NBC all immediately turned down the Democratic demands. The media organizations continue to have discussions about how to respond to Republican demands that they no longer ask hand-raising questions. One source inside NBC says they are developing a buzzer or possibly a spinning light that could be used in place of hand raising.

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The Obama Administration and high-tech firms have found themselves in a dispute over whether the US government should limit sales of software and hardware that can aid repressive governments in spying on their own people. “We oppose illegitimate government spying,” says Todd Schulte, president of lobbying group FWD.us. “But it’s critical that we first be paid billions to build the technological capability for such spying. Then we will join with human rights activists to oppose the use of the technology. But to ban us from selling it in the first place? That’s unAmerican.” Tech companies point out that some of the same technology that dictators want is used by protestors to organize and communicate, and that a sales ban could hurt the protestors. “We regret having to use these democracy-loving protestors as rhetorical human shields, but this is politics,” said Schulte.

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As Republicans in the US House of Representatives overwhelmingly nominated Paul Ryan to be their next speaker, some privately expressed concerns. “I keep thinking that before we get to officially elect him, he’ll get lifted up to Heaven on a golden chariot with steeds of light, and then we’ll be stuck finding a new candidate,” said California Rep. Devin Nunes. He added, “But that would show the Democrats.” Another back bencher, Tom Cole of Oklahoma, similarly worries about Ryan moving on: “What if the UN gets together and they decide they want to elect a world king? They’d have to want Paul to do that. And he’s so humble and committed to helping the world that he’d take the job.” Outgoing speaker John Boehner commented, “I keep thinking that Paul should be preserved in amber for people to wonder at for all time. I hope he doesn’t hear that because he’ll do it, just to help out.”

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Pundits are making predictions about who will win tonight’s Republican Presidential Debate. Each previous debate produced a relatively-unknown standout who subsequently rocketed up the polls. So who to watch for this time? Tucker Carlson, the editor of the Daily Caller, says, “The big winner will be a gob of spittle that flies out of Donald Trump’s mouth and hits moderator John Harwood right in the eye. That will sum up GOP feelings about the MSM with an eloquence no one else on the stage can match. The gob will be at 8% in the polls by the end of the week.” New York Times columnist David Brooks backs a different dark horse: “There’s a small grease stain on the left lapel of Jeb Bush’s suit coat that looks a little like Ronald Reagan’s hair. Its quiet dignity will impress the silent majority of Republican voters who long for decorum and composure in their candidate, and that stain will soon be leading the pack.”

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With news today of an earthquake in Afghanistan that has killed upwards of 80 people, the United Nations announced a new measure of the severity of natural and human-caused disasters. Instead of listing individual casualties, the international agency will provide the information in a new unit called the DSE, or drone strike equivalent. “The average U.S. drone strike vaporizes twelve innocent people, usually while they’re enjoying some peaceful family time. This gives us a baseline level of tragedy and injustice that we can compare all other events to,” says the UN’s chief statistician. The earthquake in Afghanistan rates 4.71 DSE. The sinking of a whale-watching boat off Canada’s Atlantic Coast is a .43 DSE event. The Cubs’ loss in the Major League Baseball playoffs came in at 9.79 DSE. The new unit of measure is expected to help policymakers prioritize responses to events and streamline communications.

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The New York Times reported over the weekend on how the senior former president Bush is avidly following the political campaign of his son Jeb Bush. Despite frail health, the 91-year-old Bush has watched every minute of the Republican debates so far. The paper reports that Bush is mystified at how Jeb could be trailing political neophytes like Donald Trump and Ben Carson at this stage of the election. He also spoke to a reporter about some of his regrets. “If I hadn’t raised taxes that time, I wouldn’t have lost the support of the base, and I’d have gotten a second term for sure,” said Bush. “Then I could have passed the presidency directly to George W. And then, after eight years, it would have been Jeb’s turn. That would have been 24 years–right, 24? Right. Then it would have been easy to change the law so a Bush would always be in the White House. Everyone would realize then that that’s always best for them. One other mistake I made was thinking that after just 12 years of Bush, the normal person would recognize what’s best for him.” Bush said his best hope now is to marry a grandchild or even great-grandchild to a descendant of the Clintons and create a new dynasty.

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Hillary Clinton slowly backed out of the conference room while members of the Select Committee on Benghazi were busy arguing with each other this afternoon. Her absence was not noticed for more than an hour and a half, in which time she got a smoothie and a grilled cheese at a Capitol Hill restaurant and finalized the details on a new fund-raising plan that her campaign will announce tomorrow. To avoid accusations that she sells access in exchange for campaign contributions, Clinton will now perform basic IT support, such as setting up email accounts, in exchange for contributions of $100,000 or more. “This clears up any suspicion of influence peddling,” said Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal. “Hillary is providing straightforward, reliable service in exchange for those checks. The money won’t affect her decisions as president.”

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In a party caucus Tuesday night, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) told his fellow Republicans that he would accept the role of Speaker of the House if they would back him unanimously and make other concessions. In a heartfelt speech, Ryan described how he had offered himself to the American people by running for vice president in 2012, but had finally had to turn down the role since the support of the people had fallen short of 100%. He told fellow members of the House that he had finally healed from this disappointment in his fellow citizens and was willing to open his heart once again, if tentatively, to universal acclaim and approbation. Ryan next looked each fellow representative in the eye to see if they were sufficiently excited. He then asked a series of probing questions to assess the House’s enthusiasm for his leadership. These included: “Which do you think has done more to help poor people, Mother Teresa’s hospital or Paul Ryan’s advocacy for smaller government and laissez faire policies?” “If you were stranded on a desert island with one other person, would you choose Jennifer Lawrence or Paul Ryan?” “Who would you bet on in a fight, Mike Tyson or Paul Ryan?” Reports are that Ryan seemed satisfied with the answers.

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