Following the recent proclamation by House Republican Thomas Massie that he gets sexually aroused by the thought of Donald J Trump being president, Mike Huckabee has now announced that he has launched a website for other Republicans and Tea Party members who get aroused and then need relief when they think of Trump “running the country like a well-lubed Sybian.” Called “I Jerk for Trump,” the site features still and moving pictures of Trump giving speeches, threatening protesters with violence, encouraging violence in his supporters, and watching his people wash some of his cars. Users of the site can also see Trump watch his people berate some of his other people, such as housekeepers and gardeners. Site user and Alabama Republican Senator Jeff Sessions said, “When I think of his big, strong hands holding a pen as he signs a bill making lawful assembly illegal, I just get so erect. You have to take care of something like that, and I do. I proudly do. I jerk for Trump.” Fellow Republican Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina said, “When I’m with my mistress and I close my eyes and imagine Secret Service agents holding Kim Jong-un on his stomach while Mr. Trump satisfies himself using that authoritarian scumbag’s bung hole, my ejaculation is so powerful. I jerk for Trump. But I also fornicate for Trump.” Huckabee said the site will begin running a subscription service in July that will edit Trump into stills and videos of familiar White House settings. 31-year-old Jasper Klanck, a Trump supporter from Gary, Indiana, who has not been able to work since 2009, after brawling at his daughter’s christening, said he would be interested in using the site “unless that thieving slimeball Huckabee has made it a rip-off.” When told of this comment, Huckabee said, “I’m an honest, God-fearing man. And I stand behind my product 100%. I jerk for Trump. Every decent man in America should.”

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Republican Party chairman Reince Priebus today released a stinging rebuttal to a New York Times report about Donald Trump’s sexist treatment of women. In announcing the release of the Republican report, Priebus said, “Through an exhaustive investigation, we have identified at least eight instances where Donald J. Trump behaved with tact around women. For instance, once, in 1993, while riding an elevator at the Trump Casino in Atlantic City, Donald saw a very attractive woman board the elevator. Unbeknownst to her, her shirt was slightly see-through, and he could tell that she was wearing a lacy, black bra. Well, Donald didn’t say anything to make this woman uncomfortable, constraining himself to waggling his eyebrows at his bodyguard, who reciprocated with a knowing smirk. I ask you,” Priebus continued, “what agenda is the New York Times serving by ignoring this part of the story?”

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Archeologists working in Egypt have discovered a long-buried papyrus scroll with an alternate version of the Gospel of John, one that also includes the Christian god Christ’s telling of a Creation story, and that some observers believe may refer to Donald Trump. Scholars say the alternate gospel was written down by a gnostic Christian sect around the year 120 CE and reflects an oral tradition going back to the time of Christ. The first translated lines read as follows:

In the beginning was the Joke, and the Joke was with God, and the Joke made God chuckle.

From the beginning God mulled the Joke and thought it was good.

The Joke was as a fart in the void.

Whosoever should comprehend the Joke will be saved and join God in laughter.

But the Joke shines in the darkness and the lost think it to be light.

The lost cry, lo, the Joke is serious and a great leader.

The Joke came into the world, born of woman. The Joke raised towers and brands of chicanery.

The Joke was named with a word, and that name, which was a word, gleamed like gold or brass.

The Joke was made flesh and the people voted for him.

God wondered if the Joke had been such a good idea.

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US House member Thomas Massie said he does not want to be treated for the addiction to masturbation that he’s developed since Donald Trump all but secured the Republican nomination for the presidency. “It’s so great,” the Kentucky Republican and Tea Party member said. “I get aroused when I think about our great country being led by this great man.” Massie said he called an ex-girlfriend one morning when he was attending to himself and, “Although she said she was grossed out, before she hung up on me she said it sounded like I was ‘really going to it.’ At least, I think that’s what she said. You have to respect feedback like that.” Massie said if Trump loses the nomination at the Republican convention, he and several other Tea Party members will urinate on attendees from a catwalk high up in Quicken Loans Arena, in Cleveland, where the GOP’s coronation will be held. In other news, Hollywood actor Stephen Baldwin was only slightly injured when he fell into a tank at a Southern California sewage treatment plant while trying to complete a dare suggested to him by friends.

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is battling claims that Republicans are being irresponsible when they hint that the country might need to wait 5 more years before the vacancy on the Supreme Court can be filled. McConnell said, “People have to realize that the Republican Senate takes its advise and consent role very seriously. That is exactly why, depending on who’s elected president in November, we might have to wait until Americans choose a different man for the job.” McConnell has no patience for those who object. “If our Lord and Savior doesn’t answer each and every one of your prayers just the way you’d like, would you say God isn’t listening, or God isn’t doing His job? I don’t think so. Well that’s precisely the same as the Republican-controlled Senate not confirming some justice you with your puny brain think won’t ruin this country. We Republicans know what things can ruin this country.” On the other hand, McConnell said if House Speaker Paul Ryan became president, he (McConnell) would be “totally on board” with considering and confirming a nominee to the high court. In other news, TV’s Duck Dynasty star and Fox News commentator Willie Robertson’s life was saved yesterday when a woman on break from her job as a steam shovel operator performed the Heimlich on him at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.

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The only Republican candidate still stumping for delegates, Donald Trump, says if elected president he will work to provide government subsidies for adult coloring books. The subsidies would be given to publishers that agree to stop printing books about history. If a company continues to publish history books, under Trump’s plan it won’t receive subsidies regardless of how many adult coloring books it puts out. “Normally I’m against books,” Trump said, “but if we can get American adults focused on important stuff, like coloring, this country’s going to be great again.” Trump supporter 31-year-old Matthew Blipsderd of Ulysses, Kansas, who’s been unable to work since 2011 after his brothers said he couldn’t catch a live badger, said, “The government needs to support this. It’s a awesome idea.” In 2015, three of Amazon’s 10 best-selling titles were coloring books geared to adults, and industry experts say they don’t expect demand to decrease anytime soon. In other news, North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-un vowed that his country “will regain global preeminence by 2018.”

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Hillary Clinton urged the US government to decline offers from France, England, Honduras, Bolivia, Moldova, and Russia to send election observers to monitor whether fraud is occurring in Democratic primaries. “This is a joke,” Clinton said. “As we’ve seen, primary after primary, caucus after caucus, the only Democrats being disenfranchised are Sanders supporters, so obviously there’s no problem.” A Clinton spokesperson said the front-runner won’t let “irregularities overshadow her birthright.” In other news, advisers to Wisconsin governor Scott Walker determined that injuries associated with aviation usually occur inside airplanes and airports.

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The GOP has announced that Republican members of the House of Representatives will be available to guard entrances to women’s bathrooms throughout the United States. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, “Women and girls need protections against the sicko men who’ll decide they ‘feel like a woman’ and use bathrooms to prey on them.” Ryan said that male congressmen are uniquely qualified for the task of discovering if a woman is a “real” woman. “These congressmen have extensive experience groping females.” Republican whip Steve Scalise added that the congressmen will “provide this service to America free of charge.” In other news, actor and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger challenged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to a tug of war on the banks of the Cuyahoga River.

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In an uncommon show of unity, all 3 remaining Republican presidential candidates have pledged that if elected they will start a government-funded program to disburse monies to Fortune 500 CEOs who lose their jobs. Senator Ted Cruz said, “We have ousted CEOs walking around wondering how to keep up vacation homes, how to pay for boarding schools, how to provide massages for their dogs and horses, and that’s just wrong.” Rival Donald Trump said the program, which will provide up to $3.5 million a month for 2 years to jobless CEOs, is a great use for taxpayer money. “This is America. We need to take care of rich people who lose their way.” Ohio governor John Kasich said the program will be paid for with a nationwide “consumption tax of 2%.” The candidates said there will be exemptions for purchases of commercial property, for automobiles that cost over $90,000, watercraft costing more than $500,000, and homes that cost more than $750,000 (except in the San Francisco Bay Area, where the exemption will kick in at $5 million). In a joint statement, the candidates said the program will benefit all Americans because a “calm ruling class is good for everybody.” In other news, advisers to Wisconsin governor Scott Walker announced their finding that education is a “complete disaster for people’s morals.”

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Jeb Bush has begun a second new job after dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for the presidency back in late February. Jeb is now employed at a Winn-Dixie supermarket in Bradenton, Florida, about 10 miles north of Sarasota. Jeb works as an Assistant Utility Clerk. Supervisor Denise Bardo said Jeb will clean mop buckets for the Utility Clerks, and will also arrange their dust pans, clean utility sinks, and scrape gum and other substances from walls and floors. Bardo said she has “high hopes for Jeb. He has potential to be a nice fit here with us at Winn-Dixie.” Prior to Winn-Dixie, Bush worked at a Michaels crafts store in Sarasota, where he was demoted 3 times before reportedly telling his boss he was leaving to pursue other opportunities.

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The Boston Red Sox are denying rumors that Pablo Sandoval’s belt has gone on the disabled list. Skipper John Farrell said, “It’s only Pablo himself we’ve put on the DL. The belt is fine, although a little strained.” Sandoval, a former starting third baseman and World Series MVP, said through an interpreter that he’s “losing tons of weight. Tons. I only had 25 besitos de coco yesterday.” GM Mike Hazen said although they did not perform an MRI on Sandoval’s shoulder—the alleged site of the problem—they did perform one on the belt, “because we’d like to keep the belt, whether or not we retain Pablo.” Sandoval is earning $95 million guaranteed through 2020. In other sports news, former Miami Dolphin running back Mercury Morris called the Golden State Warriors “a bunch of punks,” until he was reminded that the Warriors play basketball, not football.

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