All three remaining Republican presidential candidates are pursuing aggressive delegate strategies in an effort to enter the upcoming nominating convention with an edge. The Trump camp has hired a former Navy SEAL and professional mixed martial arts competitor to lead delegates in an intensive training regimen. Trump surrogate Paul Manafort said, “Don’t get bent out of shape. He’s mostly talking to them about defense policy and the debt. And if they also learn how to kill a man with one chop to the throat, well, that might come in handy, too.” Ted Cruz is reportedly pursuing a special class of delegates—those with acute multiple personality disorder—and plans to enter a rule at the convention that each delegate vote once per personality. Cruz campaign manager Jeff Roe said, “These people really take a shine to Ted.” John Kasich has been telling party insiders that he will cry if they don’t vote for him.

Read More...

Donald Trump announced that he is going to sue every registered Republican in the state of New York who doesn’t vote for him in the upcoming primary. “Those motherfuckers won’t know what hit ’em,” he said at a rally outside the fencing of a Greenwich, Connecticut, polo club. “I’m going to make New Yorkers great again if I have to kill every last one of them.” Fellow Republican vote-grubber Senator Ted Cruz said Trump is desperate. “He knows I’ll kick his ass. Hell, even my former college roommate knows I could stomp him. I’m a real badass. Just ask the ladies.” Lagging Republican candidate John Kasich called Trump and Cruz “a couple of knobs. Real knobs. I might have to vote for Kerry in the general.” Trump’s defenders support his plan to sue people who don’t vote for him. Utica, New York, resident 56-year-old Myra Kollapser, who has been on disability since 2010 after falling through a skylight at her daughter’s wedding reception, said Trump has “every right to sue these losers who think he wouldn’t be a awesome president. This is America.” In other news, no Republican elected officials sexually assaulted anyone yesterday, according to an absence of reports.

Read More...

Industrialists Charles and David Koch have discovered that somehow, as they age, their urine possesses a compound that turns ordinary water into gasoline. Apparently the urine, if it isn’t processed by a waste treatment plant, changes the chemical makeup of water within three minutes. The Kochs secured drilling rights in rural areas of roughly 25 states. Now they are peeing in pipes that lead down to aquifers, and pumping up the resultant gasoline. David Koch said, “The only real complication we face is how to keep hydrated enough to maintain a good flow.” In other people’s opinion, however, the complications are many, and dire. Nicole Blombley, president of the group Americans Who Don’t Want to Screw the Middle Class and Poor, said the Koch brothers are “behaving despicably. They get legislation snuck through to acquire these rights, and they don’t care who they hurt. On top of that, how disgusting is it to produce urine that can create gasoline?” The Kochs dismiss the argument. “This isn’t about people’s so-called ‘right’ to clean drinking water, this is about wealth creation and wealth maintenance.” A representative said they are now considering buying the Great Lakes, and the mouth of the Mississippi River. In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said that democracy is an “affront to all God’s people.”

Read More...

Donald Trump has fallen to the unenviable position of having to line up against himself in a legal battle. The Republican presidential candidate’s face has filed a lawsuit against him, saying he’s an “overbearing putz.” Trump’s face said it has “had enough. The guy’s an ass wipe, and I want a full extraction from my predicament.” The damages Trump’s face is seeking have been sealed by a judge, but the rest of the suit, filed in New York, is public record. “And the shit that comes out of my mouth!” the complaint reads. “Talking about Megyn Kelly’s hoo-ha, the overweening claims, all that rubbish. What a fucking prick he is!” The face also complained about “all the stupid expressions he forces me to make.” Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said the candidate had no comment on his face’s lawsuit other than to say, “But isn’t it one hell of a handsome face? The ladies sure think so.” In other news, multi-billionaire Charles Koch yesterday engaged in both spelling and character defense when he said that his brother David “is not a piece of s-h-i-t. And for that matter, neither am I.”

Read More...

Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump made a bold move to differentiate himself from fellow Republican hopefuls by denouncing “systemic bias” in the criminal justice system. “Look at all the people caught up in these offshore accounts in Panama,” said Trump. “It’s white guys, white guys, white guys. That’s all you ever hear about in these big cases. Bernie Madoff. The Volkswagen guys. Don’t you see that the system is rigged against these guys? Or do you believe that white males have some sort of genetic thing that makes them perpetrate financial fraud. That’s the real racism. Just look at the name they use for this…. white collar crime. You know and I know what that’s code for.” In response, Bernie Sanders composed and then deleted 47 different tweets.

Read More...

A pathologist conducting a routine tissue sample test got a real shock recently. The tissue, taken from Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, showed that Walker’s internal cell structure consisted entirely of fecal matter. More tests were conducted and samples taken, and all results confirmed that fecal matter is “the sole building block of Governor Walker’s physical makeup,” said Dr. Ralph D. Meel. “Mr. Walker’s brain, heart—all his internal organs—are made of fecal matter. Now, it is human fecal matter, so that is likely fortunate for him,” Meel said. The doctor further said that Walker is also host to a rare bacterium that ingests human feces and excretes gases and scant liquids that smell like a mixture of rosewater and angostura bitters. Kyle Leevridge, an auto glass specialist from Kaukauna, Wisconsin, said, “A lot of us always thought Walker had shit for brains. I guess we were right.” Walker’s camp refused to comment. As the state’s governor, his medical records are released regularly. In other news, a dairy farmer outside Leopolis, Wisconsin, suffered an injury to his buttocks when a robot he began using in March to milk his cows struck him with a pitchfork.

Read More...

Maine’s governor, Paul Le Page, ate three burritos and two bowls of lobster bisque last night, and this morning visited the office of the state’s Senate Minority Leader, Democrat Justin Alfond. Upon arrival, Le Page defecated in his pants, and then rubbed his soupy backside on Alfond’s wall, a sofa, a desk chair, and three 18th Century arm chairs that once belonged to George and Martha Washington. Witnesses said Le Page then loosened his trousers and reached behind himself, “like a monkey at a zoo who’s going to throw feces at you,” according to one of Alfond’s aides. She said she and all the other aides then exited through a side door. “It was disgusting,” she said. “But I suddenly understood in a flash the governor’s whole political philosophy. Some of us were talking about it later, and we’re grateful he did this.” No estimates have been given yet for how much Maine’s taxpayers will have to pay for the cleanup. In other news, last week Stephen King wrote 105 successive paragraphs that were touching and sweet, with not a single scary or horrific incident in them.

Read More...

Researchers and scientists at Harvard, Dartmouth, and the University of Iowa have joined forces to develop The Rip Van Trumple Project. Psychologists, social scientists, and economists created an interactive computer program whereby users can place themselves in multiple Americas 20 years after the end of a Trump presidency. According to the Project, in one scenario Wisconsin will have no income tax, no state universities, and will not be, legally or politically, a part of the US, but will instead be a protectorate of Ivory Coast. Scott Walker, who by then will be either 75 or 79 years old depending on whether Trump’s presidency will have lasted one or two terms, will be Supreme Governor. Walker will preside over Wisconsin from the sky, in one of 7 Gulfstream jets he owns, and whose depreciation he writes off of his sales tax liabilities but whose upkeep is paid for by the people of the Protectorate. The Kansas legislature will conduct all business in secret. Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Oklahoma will merge, and will make impoverishment punishable by sterilization. In all 50 states, secular charities will be outlawed, and only those with affiliations to Christian religions will be allowed. People who have lived below the poverty line for four consecutive years will be executed each year on the 4th of July. All immigrants will be housed in California, Oregon, or Pennsylvania. All non-school libraries will be private. In a different Rip Van Trumple scenario, 20 years after a Trump presidency the entire US will be ruled jointly by China and Russia, and men who don’t wear toupées will be required to gain weight until they’re morbidly obese. In other news, it’s been reported that multi-billionaire David Koch did not pull the wings off a fly yesterday.

Read More...

In a rare sign of unity, every remaining Republican candidate for the presidency has said if elected he will begin charging US citizens to get in touch with their senators, congressmen, and congresswomen. Senator Ted Cruz said, “It’s the right thing to do. Senators like myself and members of the House are very busy. We can’t bother with everyday people. They waste our time.” Under the proposal, which was put forth by Florida’s Marco Rubio, citizens will have to pay $1 to write to elected federal officials, and $4 to phone them. If a written message is more than 25 words long—including salutation and closing—the price jumps to $3, and rises another $2 with each 25-word increase in length. Constituents who wish to meet with representatives will have to pay $100 for 2 minutes of face time. Front-runner Donald Trump said, “This is what America needs, a government not burdened by the whining and crying of dipshit losers too stupid to be rich.” In other news, it appears that Michigan governor Rick Snyder didn’t endanger the lives, health, or brain function of any children yesterday.

Read More...

Democratic Party chairs for the states of California, New Jersey, and New Mexico are apologizing to the Sanders camp today after making a mistake on those states’ ballots for their respective primaries. New Jersey Democratic Party Chair John Currie said that underneath Senator Bernie Sanders’ name, the party “forgot” to omit the words “charlatan, dreamer, usurper of Hillary’s birthright.” The Sanders campaign issued a statement saying they are “deeply disappointed by this unjustified attack from our own party.” When asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said, “I had nothing to do with it so why don’t you get out of my face and go talk to that idiot liar from the socialist enclave of Vermont!” In other news, reports indicate that attorney for the stars Gloria Allred didn’t mistreat anyone yesterday.

Read More...

Donald Trump has waded back into the issue of terrorism, speaking again about the Brussels attack. The Republican front-runner accused the Belgian authorities, and the Belgian people, of being a “bunch of wusses! Total wusses!” Trump then asked, rhetorically, what the “biggest put-down” in French is. “You know the worst thing a French person can call you? A ‘Belgique,’ a ‘Belgian.’ And that’s the French—not necessarily known for their heroism or courage!” Trump said that if elected president he will petition the EU to have Belgium become a US territory, and “subjugate every last one of those wussified wusses to hard labor building things for real men and women, Americans!” Trump added that he would also tax the Belgian people “a lot.” When asked his opinion, Republican dropout Jeb Bush said he thinks “‘wuss’ is a mean word. And offensive.” Trump countered that Bush himself is “a wuss.” In other news, approximately 1,800 professional American football players did not strike women yesterday, according to an absence of reports.

Read More...

For the third time in less than a month and a half, former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has been demoted at his new job. Bush had been an associate in the knitting department at a Michaels crafts store in Sarasota, Florida, where he’s worked since late February. After performing poorly in that position, he was demoted to Bagger, then demoted again to Assistant Bagger. [See Wednesday, March 23, 2016.] Now Bush is a Utility Clerk. His supervisor, Wanda Tenille, said, “Jeb grew deathly afraid of paper cuts while helping the Baggers. He became phobic.” Bush also got in trouble when a fellow employee found him in the stockroom watching some of his old campaign speeches on YouTube. Tenille said she doesn’t want to fire Bush. “I feel bad for him. He walks around like such a sad sack. So I hope the Utility Clerk position works out.” Tenille said Bush’s duties will include sweeping, mopping up messes, and restocking misplaced merchandise. In other news, 17 mothers in Baxley, Georgia, were arrested after assaulting the high school’s science teacher and knocking her unconscious after she reportedly said, “Scientific knowledge is the most reliable knowledge we as a species possess.”

Read More...