Both Republicans and student activists are cheering a proposal at the University of California to ban all discussion of the weather unless the discussion is “positive in nature and execution.” For instance, it would be illegal on any Cal campus to say, “There’s a storm coming.” “Storm” connotes danger, darkness, injury, and property damage, among other things, “And those simply aren’t things we want to encourage,” said Cal president Janet Napolitano. The proposal has many detractors. Deke Wilkins, a student at Cal State Fullerton, said, “This is a university. We need the free exchange of ideas, and that might include whether it’s going to rain next week.” However, the proposal has strong support, too. Congressman Ed Royce, a Republican and member of the Tea Party from Orange County, California, said the regulations are a great idea. “Our kids need to learn that nothing is ever free! This country needs a hell of a lot less free speech, and even free thinking.” Trace Levitt, a sixth-year student at Berkeley and spokesperson for the Social Justice Warriors of California, said, “Language about the weather is inherently racist and gendered. Think about how the phrase ‘beautiful day’ conjures a permissive femininity and perpetuates male dominance. I’d prefer to see weather talk outlawed completely, but this is a good start.” In other news, first-ballot MLB Hall of Fame shortstop Robin Yount “accidentally” shot former Brewers owner and baseball commissioner Bud Selig in the buttocks while out turkey hunting.

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Donald Trump is denying reports that he and fellow Republican candidate for the presidency Senator Ted Cruz intend to swap wives and have a “banging good time.” Cruz also denies the reports. Trump said, “I’m not saying I wouldn’t do Heidi. Hell, the woman deserves some pleasure in her life.” Cruz said his wife is “totally pleasured. My wife is so very pleasured. She doesn’t need no stinkin’ Trump.” Trump did concede that he wouldn’t mind swapping housekeepers. “Natasha and Viktoriya are slipping.” Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said the wife swapping issue was “blown out of proportion. They discussed having dinner at a restaurant near San Francisco’s Power Exchange,” an adult entertainment club for couples and singles. In other news, actor Charlie Sheen was seen at a San Diego building site yesterday, running a backhoe.

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The macaroni salad currently serving as president of the University of Iowa has asked the state’s board of regents to declare a “state of truthfulness emergency.” The salad said, “many professors say things like ‘true democracy can’t exist without a press that’s unafraid of the government and corporations.’ Nonsense!” Regent Larry McKibben agreed: “An unencumbered, fear-free media is the last thing this great state and this great nation need. God help us if reporters started actually digging.” The macaroni salad is asking that education money be shifted from professors’ salaries to media ads explaining that views that the university administration doesn’t like are disgusting and likely criminal. In art news, private papers found in a New York City attic reveal that Mark Rothko and Andy Warhol were in fact quite chummy, away from public view.

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Defeated presidential candidate Jeb Bush has been demoted for the second time at his new job. Since late February, Bush has been working at a Michaels crafts store in Sarasota, Florida. Bush’s most recent title was Bagger. Now Bush will be Assistant Bagger, the first person at Michaels to have such a position. He will flip the bag open, and then a more-skilled, full-fledged bagger will take over the operation. According to Bush’s supervisor, Wanda Tenille, “He never got the knack of placing items in the bags in a way that would enable him to keep the pace we need from our baggers.” In music news, Aretha Franklin has cancelled three shows slated for this month in Florida, including one in Sarasota.

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In honor of World Poetry Day, Donald J Trump has released three original works.

 

I know I will win this election
If there’s no party defection.
I’ll keep ’em in line
with an asset of mine,
the yuuuge size of my New York erection!

 

There was a rapist from Mexico
Who said to his friend, “Let’s have a go.
Today there’s no wall,
The states are open to all
But Trump will make this zone a no go.”

 

There was a man from South Cali
Who cold-cocked a guy at my rally
The victim’s skin
was surely a sin
So, sure, I’ll pay the lawyer’s tally.

 
Look back at some of Trump’s juvenilia: http://stoneslidecorrective.com/2015/08/titles-from-poems-donald-trump-wrote-while-in-college/

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The states of Maryland and Wisconsin have petitioned to have their presidential primaries cancelled. “Some people are worried about violence at the rallies,” said Maryland governor Larry Hogan. “But most people are just saying, God, we don’t want these freak shows in our state. I mean, would you invite Donald Trump over if you had any choice? It’s like leaving the door open and spreading refuse all over your foyer to bring in raccoons. Why not close the door and keep the trash in the trash bin?” Asked if his citizens will regret losing their voice in the selection of the country’s next leader, Hogan said, “People say they only want to vote if they can vote against everyone, but the parties won’t allow that.”

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Chrysler announced they’re about to begin designing their newest model of sedan, The Milwaukeean. The company said they hope to repeat the success of The New Yorker model in the ’70s and ’80s. Fiat Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne said The Milwaukeean will have “loads” of new features, including beverage holders large enough to accommodate 750 milliliter and 1.75 liter bottles, stainless steel buckets that can hold either ice and Champagne or vomit, as needed, and a new form of rack and pinion steering that will naturally compel the car to weave from side to side if the driver happens to be sober. Car and Driver called the sedan’s design “a bold step forward for Marchionne and all of Chrysler.” Scientists also have good things to say about The Milwaukeean. “This isn’t only automotive innovation, this is also societal innovation. Light drinkers, hard drinkers, functional alcoholics, and full-blown raging alcoholics will all benefit from this vehicle,” said Rutgers University’s world-renowned alcohol researcher, Nina Menasha. The Milwaukeean is expected to hit the streets (and more than a few telephone poles) in October 2019. In sporting news, a Houston Rockets fan looked at Dwight Howard yesterday and didn’t feel the need to throw up.

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Paul Ryan, Speaker of the US House of Representatives, has proposed new “confidential” tax rates that he says will boost economic growth by 12%. Ryan recently criticized analyses that show how Republican tax plans disproportionately benefit the rich as compared to the middle class, saying these comparisons promote envy and bad feeling. Under his new plan, all tax laws will be passed in secrecy and taxpayers will only know their own rates. Said Ryan, “Under my plan, we can set tax rates at an economically optimal level without people inserting crap about fairness or equity. The result will be an immense boost to economic growth and tax revenues. We’ve done all the calculations, of course, but I can’t show you because the numbers are secret. Trust me, we double checked all the numbers, and this is the best way for everyone.”

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Donald Trump announced that if elected one of his first acts will be to urge Congress to appropriate $10.5 billion so engineers and scientists can build the world’s first shoulder-mounted MRI machine. Trump said he needs to prove to doubters that he has “the best brain.” The device, which Trump said will look nothing like a tinfoil hat, will be “another step toward making America great again. When I’m negotiating with other countries, their leaders will be scared you-know-whatless of my brain, the awesomest brain in the world. No one’s brain is awesomer than mine, not even that cripple Steven Hawking!” Trump said. MRI machines generally weigh around 11 tons. Cutting the weight so the device can rest comfortably on his shoulders is part of what will drive the cost so high, Trump said. Trump supporter Jimmy Tom Denaven of Thousandsticks, Kentucky, said it’s a great idea. “You’re a idiot if you don’t think Donald Trump has the best brain.” Denaven, a former sheet metal worker disabled since an outboard motor propeller accident while taking a dare from his friends, also said, “The government should stop spending money on stupid shit and spend it on stuff like this that makes us great again.” In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said her staff conducted a study that showed science education “rots children’s minds.”

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UNESCO announced today that it has added the “Reasonable Republican” to its List of World Heritage in Danger. Director-General Irina Bokova said, “We are deeply concerned that future generations, when they hear the word ‘Republican,’ will think of nothing but the buffoons who have taken over the party today. The Party of Lincoln will be obliterated by its own worst excesses. Children will giggle and teenagers, not knowing of Theodore Roosevelt, will blush, and they will never believe there was once an ideologically consistent worldview where now is just rubble and piles of used inflatable erotic dolls, speaking metaphorically.” In other news, Ted Nugent shared a photo on Facebook of a hard, strangely symmetrical object he had found inside his left nostril.

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Five Donald Trump supporters stormed a Bernie Sanders rally yesterday, shouting “This is bullshit, this is bullshit!” They went to the rally because Sanders has “a really shitty brain,” according to Travis Deshorterest, a father of six from Mesa, Arizona, who has been disabled since falling out of the cab of his Dodge Durango in 2005. “That asshole uses words that are all show-offy. And also he does spelling! I heard when he writes stuff down he spells it right all the fucking time! What a prick!” Denise Coledon, an unemployed day care worker and mother of three from Kingman, Arizona, said, “Any idiot knows Trump has the best brain. The only brain. Sanders and that Clinton bitch are morons.” In other news, a member of the Westboro Baptist Church didn’t behave like an asshole yesterday.

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Former Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush was demoted yesterday at his new place of work, a Michaels crafts store in Sarasota, Florida, where he was hired in late February. Jeb had been working as an assistant in the knitting department, but according to his supervisor, Wanda Tenille, “He couldn’t keep the different yarns straight in his head. He was always mixing up the various needle styles, too.” Tenille said Jeb will now work as a bagger. In other news, yesterday Maine’s governor, Paul LePage, said something that wasn’t 100% asinine.

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