The campaign of Donald J. Trump has announced that seating at his rallies will henceforth be organized by weight class. “It’s gotta be fair,” said Trump. “You’ve got these big, dangerous guys swinging away. I don’t condone violence at all, but if some protester interrupts, well, there need to be consequences.” Guards at each arena will screen people as they arrive and separate attendees based on their apparent size and fighting potential. Those suspected of being Bernie thugs will still be able to enter the arena but will be pre-cuffed, pinning their arms behind their backs. “The way I see it, they still have free speech, they just won’t have any breath to speak with,” said Trump. In related news, Mike Tyson requested an ear-biting section.

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Doctors in Fayetteville, North Carolina, have confirmed that a man there contracted rabies after being assaulted by Donald Trump. 28-year-old Donelle Dexter, of Chapel Hill, was curious about the buzz around the Republican primary candidate, he said, and decided to see Trump in person. Surveillance footage, with sound, shows that as Dexter threaded his way to the lip of the stage Trump supporters told him repeatedly, “You don’t belong here,” and “Go back to Africa.” The tape shows Dexter paying them no mind. When Trump appeared, a man later identified as a member of the Tea Party and the John Birch Society shoved Dexter. Dexter shoved back. Trump then jumped out into the crowd saying, “You motherfucker!” and bit Dexter’s ear. When Dexter pulled back his arm as though to unleash a punishing blow to Trump’s face, Trump hid behind a Durham woman. He told his security detail to “finish the job,” which they did, four of them knocking Dexter unconscious. The doctors said they expect Dexter to survive the rabies, although he will have to undergo a lengthy and painful course of shots. In other news, Spinal Tap bassist Derek Smalls was seen at a West London Tesco store buying aluminum foil.

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Human rights groups today released a report decrying the “icy hostility” and “deeply buried anger” in the marriage of William B. Setter and Alice Setter of Overlook Drive in Two Forks, Massachusetts. The report said that the couple’s five-year dispute, which started with a disagreement over who should clean out the food scraps that accumulate in the strainer at the bottom of the kitchen sink, must be brought to a peaceful conclusion, for the well being of the parties involved and others. “Not only is their sink a mess,” said lead author Lilia Tatalli, “but others are suffering, too. Anyone who has been out to dinner with the Setters can testify to the constant sniping and the passive aggressive displays–the suicide bombing of relationships.” Neither party has yet agreed to the report’s call for an immediate truce.

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The City of Ferguson is widely seen as initiating a new era in constitutional law. After turning down a settlement with the Justice Department, saying it would be too expensive to implement the changes necessary to bring themselves into compliance with the Constitution, the city has started applying cost-benefit analysis to other constitutional rights. “Once you start looking into these rights, you see how costly they are,” said Mayor James Knowles. “For instance, take the First Amendment. Every time there are news stories about us killing another unarmed black man, we have to pay a PR and crisis management team to respond. That costs the city more than a hundred thousand dollars a pop. Much cheaper to just limit the press.” The city is also reassessing the ROI on the Fourth, Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments. In other news, the West Martindale Chapter of the Friends of the Spotted Newt Society voted 3-2 to join the #NeverTrump movement.

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Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that if elected, he will do everything in his power to eliminate public libraries. “They’re useless, and they are way too expensive. This great country can’t afford to throw any more money away on reading.” Trump said he would start with the Library of Congress. He would have the Senate and House eliminate the charter that created the Library, sell off all its collections, and then “rent out the building, maybe for wedding receptions, proms, home and garden shows, stuff like that.” At the same time, Trump said, he would urge governors and legislators in all 50 states and all US territories and protectorates to eliminate their libraries, too, and mayors and councils of all cities, towns, and burgs. “Think of all the efficiencies we could achieve,” he said. American Library Association president Sari Feldman said, “This is a terrible idea. A move like this would cripple America, maybe permanently.” When asked about her comment, Trump said, “Sari Feldman is a bimbo. I wouldn’t let her babysit my pet tarantula (if I had a pet tarantula, which I don’t, but if I did, I wouldn’t let that Feldman bitch near it; total bitch, that woman).” In other news, the University of Phoenix announced that violent assaults on its campus are down 100%.

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Polling numbers shot sky high yesterday for Senator Ted Cruz, candidate for the Republican nomination for the presidency, after he announced a proposal to eliminate the library rate for shipping books through the US mail. This rate allows libraries, publishers, and others to ship materials much less expensively. Cruz said, “People are always pissing and moaning about the future of the Post Office—well, here’s a great way to increase revenues.” Detractors said that the proposal would hurt children, the elderly, basically all Americans. “Libraries will incur huge budget problems, or simply have to stop offering services such as interlibrary loan and book lending to homebound readers,” said American Library Association president Sari Feldman. Cruz would have none of that. “Why do you think we have the internet?” he asked. Pollsters of every stripe say that Cruz’ proposal struck a chord with the Republican base. Said Republican voter Pete Johns, a heating and air conditioning repairman and father of two from Jamaica Plain, Boston, “There’s already too much damned reading in this country. Making it harder to distribute books is a great idea.” Kyle Merker, a Republican and father of four from Modesto, California, said, “Reading is for liberal pussies. I’m not liberal, I sure as hell ain’t no pussy, and I sure as hell ain’t going to *raise* no liberal pussies.” Each one of the Senator’s opponents for the Republican nomination supports Cruz’ plan as well. Said Marco Rubio, “Ted and I disagree on many issues, but this, this idea of raising the postal rates for books, this is sheer brilliance.”

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Political analysts say we should not be surprised by the strange physical changes that Ted Cruz is undergoing as he becomes the Anti-Trump. They say we can expect his hair to become even darker and to repel products such as mousse and rainwater. His skin will become pitted and prematurely aged. His thumb will fuse to the side of his hand, making it impossible for him to make a thumbs-up gesture. His penis will shrink. “These are all ways for him to differentiate himself from The Donald,” explains Karl Rove. In other news, Marco Rubio is said to be searching southern Florida for a legendary spring that makes anyone who drinks from it anti-establishment.

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The Trump campaign announced a new program whereby supporters will be able to ramp-up their paranoia and hatred from the comfort of their own homes or compounds. No longer will a Trump supporter need to attend a Trump rally in order to transform his or her baseline anger and fearfulness into full-fledged rage. The program, called Enhancing Fear for U People, or, EFFUP, was the brainchild of Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, and actor Gary Busey. For just $24.99, a Trump supporter receives a nineteen-minute video playable on all devices that explains numerous issues, including why people who aren’t Americans are “evil,” and why Americans who aren’t white are “really evil, except when they pledge support for Donald Trump.” The video also addresses immigration, the Democratic party, Barack Obama, Chappaquiddick, and “the Mexico problem.” 39-year-old Charles “The Goatfucker” Jones, a professional wrestler from Las Vegas, Nevada, said, “Sure, when I went to a rally I could feed all my hatreds and fears, but after a few days I might start thinking stupid thoughts, like maybe not all Democrats are America-hating assholes. But now, I watch this thing three or four times a day sometimes, and I will never give into such idiotic ideas again.” For an extra ten dollars, EFFUP will also come with an action figure pairing of Hillary Clinton being punched by Trump.

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A group of Republican establishment insiders is considering altering the party’s bylaws to create a position of “primaries judge.” According to one person with knowledge of the talks, the primaries judge will have the power to cite Republican presidential candidates for instances of dishonesty, vulgarity, or conservative heterodoxy and punish the offender by taking away delegates and giving them to Marco Rubio. Said the source, “Our purpose is to ensure a fair and reasonable process.” In other news, Donald Trump purchased the American Kennel Club and banned the chihuahua from dog show competition.

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The National Football League announced that Commissioner Roger Goodell “is not a dickhead.” NFL Vice President Troy Vincent told reporters, “My boss is a prince of a man. This league’s real butthole plays quarterback for the Patriots. Tom Brady was a cheater at Serra [High School, in San Mateo, California], he was a cheater at Michigan, and now he’s the King Cheater of Foxboro [Massachusetts].” Vincent also said, “Roger Goodell is such a fine human being that he makes Mother Teresa look like a Satanist and a child molester.” In other sports news, NBA star LeBron James has commissioned a sculpture of Cleveland native Halle Berry that will be sited outside City Hall, as a gift to the town’s people.

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Two open-carry advocates shot each other to death in Texas yesterday. Witnesses said the men were arguing over who hated the city of Austin more. One of the men, 33 year old Jasper Slax, of Dallas, urinated on the Austin parking lot the men were standing in in order to prove he hated Austin more. The other man, witnesses said, then lowered his pants, squatted, and defecated in order to show that his hatred was greater than Slax’. The incident, which took place outside a Dairy Queen, escalated further when Slax resumed urinating, but this time on the other man, saying, “I hate Austin so much I’m pissing on the wuss who didn’t have the guts to take an actual man-sized dump on the asphalt.” That man, fifty year old Cletus Davidson, of New Braunfels, Texas, then punched Slax, went inside, and quickly ate two Dairy Queen Super Summer Burritos, and then went back outside. Witnesses said that Davidson punched himself in the stomach until he vomited on Slax. Then the two men exchanged the fatal gunfire. No one else was injured, but a passing school bus did get a flat tire from one of the stray rounds. In other news, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker said he loves black people, and added that “some of my closest friends are black. I can even introduce you to him.”

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In response to a recent court ruling in New York that Apple doesn’t have to help the FBI unlock an iPhone involved in a criminal case, Apple CEO Tim Cook released the following statement: “We’re gratified by this judgement. This shows why we have a Fourth Amendment. You shouldn’t be forced to give up your sensitive information to the government; you should choose to give it away to profit-making companies. Frankly, the FBI are amateurs at tracking and analyzing your data. Ask them what you were doing at 10:04 last night. They don’t know. We know. We try not to think about it too much or, God forbid, picture it in our minds, but we know. We can make money by selling that information to marketers, which is the American way. What would the FBI do with it? Muck around and try to stop ‘terrorism’? Bitch, please.”

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