Exit polls from the Super Tuesday primary contests revealed the extreme state of partisanship in America. Even though both Republican and Democratic candidates are locked in brutal intra-party disputes, their supporters overwhelmingly say they will back their party’s eventual nominee, even if it’s the jackass sell–out they’re voting against today. More than 98% of voters also said they’d rather submerge their genitals in ice water than vote for a member of the other party; 67% would choose to have a finger cut off; 49% would go ahead with major thoracic surgery rather than cross party lines. At the same time, 64% of voters said they wouldn’t vote at all if their polling station were moved 5 miles further away, if the line were more than 10 minutes, or if it were raining and didn’t look like it was about to let up. In related news, GoPro, the maker of body cameras used by extreme sports athletes, is sponsoring Marco Rubio. According to GoPro founder Nick Woodman, “We’re going to capture every last desperate pander and lunge to the right. It will be the kind of pure–adrenaline viewing our brand is known for. And all our gear is already water-resistant, so his sweating won’t be a problem.”

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In a sign that the Republican establishment is coming to terms with Donald Trump, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Trump met today in what both sides described as a “very productive” exchange. “We discussed how we could work together on our priorities,” said McConnell at a press availability. “For instance, we agreed it would be a good idea to build a wall around the Capitol, here, to keep out Democratic judicial appointees. I don’t honestly remember which of us thought of that first. Maybe it just hit both of us at the same second like a simultaneous you–know–what. It was that good a meeting.” Trump and McConnell then gave the thumbs–up gesture for the next five minutes, with dreamy smiles on their faces.

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made a generous compromise offer to President Obama in the standoff over a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. McConnell promised an up-or-down vote for any candidate who meets certain “minimal” qualifications. “This is all about the Constitution, and doing what the Constitution says we should,” said McConnell. “As long as Obama’s nominee is someone the Founding Fathers would have approved of, we’ll vote on him.” McConnell explained that this means Obama’s nominee only needs to be white, male, and Christian, and to possess a substantial amount of property. He also should not have been a Brit sympathizer. Past slaveholding would not be considered disqualifying. Wearing a wig would really help, too.

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that that legislative body will reserve its right to do nothing if the next president elected by the people of the United States is a Democrat. The Republican from Kentucky said, “It will be quite clear that America will have entered a state of la–la land if either Sanders or that Wellesley bitch garners the most votes.” McConnell said that the Republican Senate—provided they maintain their majority—would “rather destroy America than let it fall prey to giving the middle class a fair shot at having a decent financial life. Our great nation deserves a Senate pure in its motives.” Business magnate Carl Icahn echoed McConnell’s sentiments, saying, “Middle class people and poor people had better learn to shut up and do the right thing for rich people, the true Americans.” In science news, researchers at McGill University in Montreal have discovered that Justin Bieber is, in terms of species, an actual human.

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A ranching family in Utah was arrested after having a conversation about abortion. During the conversation, both spouses voiced support for a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy. Judy and Robert “Buck” Bellerung—both fifth–generation ranchers in the Beehive state—and their son Pete were arrested after their Samsung television’s voice recognition program picked up the conversation. An unnamed third–party contracting company alerted the Millard County Sheriff’s Department, and two deputies were immediately dispatched to investigate further and take the couple and their “obviously at–risk” son into custody. Judy and Robert were charged with mayhem, disorderly conduct, and child endangerment. Sixteen–year–old Pete was charged with what is called self–endangerment–via–not–reporting–liberal–parental–misconduct. In response to the arrest and the fact that it was prompted by a corporation listening in on a couple’s conversation in their own home, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, “This is exactly why we need more conservatives on the Supreme Court, so we can end this ‘privacy’ crap once and for all. Disgusting people such as these who think a woman is as important as an unborn baby have zero right to privacy in a just America.” In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said that schools should be eliminated, and children should instead attend compulsory Christian prayer services.

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Comcast has announced that starting in March they will only mistreat customers six days a week. CEO Brian L Roberts said, “We will only f*ck people over Tuesday through Sunday. Each Monday, we will treat customers with respect. As of March 1, Mondays will instead be used to disrespect and inflict emotional injury upon our employees.” Comcast is notorious for what most people say is horrible customer service, and is often called “the most hated company in America.” Comcast customer Zeke Batterzan of Combined Locks, Wisconsin, said he welcomes the change. “In the past if I needed a service call, I kept an oversized seven pound Maglite in hand in case whatever asshole tech they sent started mouthing off. It’s nice to know that now I have a one in seven chance not to need it.” In other news, Yahoo announced that all of its laid–off employees will receive hoverboards and twelve–week memberships to the Enema of the Month club.

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Donald Trump took credit for a rumored imminent cease fire in Syria. “They know I’m going to win,” said Trump. “And they know that once I win, America is going to start winning again. So they have to make nice and be good little boys. I know, I know. Can you believe it? I’m not even sworn in yet, and I’m making America great again.” Trump also took credit for a nationwide decrease in violent crime, again citing the pre-Trump effect. He explained isolated outbursts of crime, like the shootings in Kalamazoo, Michigan, as coming from a similar source. “They know once I’m in the big chair, they won’t get away with this crap. So these sickos are doing it while they can.”

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Last night Danny Diaz, manager of the now–defunct Jeb Bush campaign for the presidency of the United States, announced that Bush intends to take a job at a Michaels craft store in Sarasota, Florida. Diaz said Jeb filled out the application last week. “Actually,” Diaz said, “Trevor, one of our drivers, filled it out. Now all Jeb needs to do is pass the pee test, and he’s in.” When asked if the Michaels chain requires drug tests of prospective employees, Diaz said that no, in fact, they don’t. “But with Jeb they said they wanted to be certain he wasn’t on something. Speaking frankly, I say, hey, can you blame them?” Diaz said Jeb’s hope is to work in the knitting department. In other news, industrial magnate and billionaire David Koch is denying reports that in 1988 he and his brother Charles lost their genitalia during “a bit of roughhousing” at a state park in Kansas.

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Republican presidential aspirant Donald J Trump announced that if elected he would dramatically increase the budget for NASA. Trump said, “I want to make this abundantly clear: I intend to launch a probe to Uranus. Others joke, but I mean it. Uranus fascinates me, and I want all good Americans to know it.” Trump said that he would enlist the country of Brazil to absorb the majority of the costs. “It’s a no–brainer,” he said. “Other than me, who loves Uranus more than Brazilians?” Campaign manager Corey Lewandowski said the candidate is committed to exploration. “He’s a businessman, which is just another way of saying he’s an adventurer, an explorer.” Rival Republican Senator Ted Cruz called Trump’s announcement “grandstanding. I’ve been into Uranus longer than any of these fakers.” Jeb Bush said, “Doesn’t anyone care about Pluto anymore?” In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said air pollution is good for children because it makes their lungs stronger.

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Four Alabama families are suing the parents of a sixteen–year–old girl because they claim she took their sons’ virginity and the sons enjoyed it. Dee Dee July, the mother of one of the boys, said, “Girls like this have to be stopped. They have to be punished.” According to Amber Dunclair, the mother of another boy, the girl “lured them in with her teenage wiles. My son would never do this.” Pastor James D. Venglohrious of the First Baptist Church of Clawdad said, “These poor young boys had no immunity built up to such sinning ways. The girl has hurt our entire community, not just the boys and their parents.” The girl’s parents declined to comment. In addition to money damages and apologies, the families that launched the suit demand that the girl surrender her purity ring and be branded with the letter S.

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A report from the Republican Congressional Research Committee found numerous precedents for the Senate not even considering a nominee for the Supreme Court. “I hope everyone reads this very important report,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “It lays out the case that it is clearly within the Constitutional power of the legislature to not do things. Just in the last decade, we have not done anything about climate change, and that is a much bigger problem than one seat on the Supreme Court. There’s also a nice analysis of the early 2000s when we didn’t do anything about the out-of-control banking system. And it even goes back to the first decades of the republic and how we refused to do anything about slavery. Any argument from the Democrats that our refusing to act on a nomination is somehow new or unprecedented is clearly a politically motivated lie.”

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Several Idaho Republicans are saying people who die because they can’t receive Medicaid are only getting what they deserve. “If you DIE—actually DIE—because you can’t get a government handout, obviously you’re a piece of you–know–what, and death is exactly what you should get,” said Idaho’s governor, Butch Otter. Otter was responding to word of Senate testimony in Boise that the state’s legislature has caused almost a thousand deaths in the last three years by refusing to expand Medicaid. State assemblyman Norm Semanko said, “Well, the governor does have a colorful way with language, and at times he can be the king of cronyism, but what he said is true. Let me ask you this. How many of these people we supposedly ‘killed’ drove cars? How many had contact lenses instead of glasses? How many ate fancy instead of saving with that stuff the college kids eat, them Ramen noodles? Because I tell you, if you can afford to gas up a car, or not eat noodles, you can afford to pay for doctorin’.” In other news, disgraced former drug company CEO Martin Shkreli was seen buying Depends and air fresheners at a Washington, D.C., 7–Eleven, and mirrors and a fog machine at a magic store.

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