The armed group occupying the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Oregon has had to radically rethink its approach in light of recent events. They released the following statement today: “It’s more clear than ever that the US government has no legitimacy. We are the only people left with the common sense and the moral authority to interpret the Constitution and issue laws to enhance the commonweal. As such, we immediately decree the following: the Federal Reserve’s discount rate shall be lowered by one quarter point, which should help restore liquidity to equity markets; the term of the Export–Import Bank will be extended for 12 years, relieving American business of a source of uncertainty; a non-partisan commission shall be appointed to review the process for drawing congressional districts and make recommendations for creating a more representative and equitable representation of voters’ interests. Our common sense government–in–exile will release further provisions in the days to come.” In other news, a county in Indiana will now require public school teachers to carry pepper spray and Tasers, while teachers in private schools will continue to be issued Glock 17s.

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Republican Sarah Palin told reporters that her son suffers from pre–traumatic stress disorder, or PreTSD. Palin said this malady, which psychologists didn’t even know existed, was caused by Barack Obama. “When Track [Palin’s son] cut the brake lines on those school buses back in ’05, that was just a month before Senator Obama shot off his mouth about Iraq on Meet the Press. That’s why Track got in trouble, because of Obama’s lies about the Middle East. It was just too much for his patriotic brain to take. Track was preemptively traumatized by the Muslim–in–Chief before he was even the Muslim–in–Chief.” Palin further conjectured that her son’s recent arrest means that Obama is about to “commit a real doozy” sometime in the next 60–90 days and should be preemptively impeached. In related news, a couple science teachers in Odessa, Texas, said they’re going to try to raise grant money to discover the origins of PreTSD.

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Republican Sarah Palin accused Democrat (and Independent) Bernie Sanders of “politicizing politics.” The former governor of Alaska called Sanders “pure evil. He’s from Vermont. Robert Frost was born in Vermont, and everybody knows what a piece of you–know–what he was.” Reporters in attendance were so shocked that Palin knew who Frost was that no one told her Frost was born and grew up in California, and Sanders was born and grew up in New York City. “Now that evil Bernie Sanders is politicizing politics. Politics is supposed to be about lookin’ hot, and talkin’, and travelin’, but he wants to turn poor people against rich people. Poor people should LOVE rich people. Rich people give poor people jobs.” In other news, researchers at McGill University in Montreal have found that most chainsaw accidents occur outdoors.

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With the Iowa caucuses drawing near, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has issued a raft of new policy proposals—many of them inspired by his own experiences. After a disappointing meal at upscale eatery Le Cirque, Trump called for a ban on all immigration from France “until they get this soggy potato thing figured out.” It was widely reported that Trump attended church in Muscatine, Iowa, this past week. What was not noted was that the Donald shifted and squirmed uncomfortably throughout his time in the pews. This led to the proposal for a public–private partnership to build luxury skyboxes in any place of worship with a seating capacity of more than 100. Amenities would include the serving of both table and sacramental wine (without regard to whether the house of worship be Catholic, Protestant, or non-Christian altogether). Additional Trump brainstorms include licensure requirements for strippers and a national strategic reserve of male cologne. In other campaign news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie commissioned IBM’s Watson supercomputer to run the state government while Christie continues to stump for votes in New Hampshire.

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The ex–wife of Russian president Vladimir Putin has changed her surname to Trump. Lyudmila Trump, as she is now known, is reportedly living on Manhattan’s upper east side with a housekeeper, a trainer, and a juicing expert. Putin and his former wife were divorced in 2013 after 30 years of marriage. Lyudmila Trump said, “Obviously Mr. Trump isn’t the stud my former mate is, but he is an asshole, and there’s a lot to be said for being an asshole.” Donald Trump was not made available for comment, but his spokeswoman, Katrina Pierson, said, “Old lady better get in line if she wants to spend time with my boss.” Carly Fiorina called the news “an obvious ploy to distract voters from my proposal to have all American children under age 11 live in or near cottages deep inside large forests.” Ted Cruz complained, saying he himself is “a much bigger asshole than that New York–values scumbag.”

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Republican Sarah Palin expressed outrage after veterans accused her of politicizing PTSD. Palin has blamed her son’s alleged assault of his girlfriend on the current president, Barack Obama, because, it appears, she thinks Obama disrespects veterans. “It’s the Democrats who politicize PTSD,” said Palin. “They think they can throw money at the problem with their nanny state solutions, like healthcare and job training. That just creates another problem—post Democrat stress disorder. Right? Right? Then they’ll create a program for that, and you’ll get your unions in there—Democrats just love their union money; it’s heroin for them. And Obama’s their big daddy dealer in the big house, the White House. But will they even wear a flag pin to show that good, godly, Christian love for our veterans that means so much to them when they’re cold or hungry or threatening to shoot someone? Will the Democrats do even that little patriotic thing? No.” In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst insisted that she cared about clean water, but did not think stringent regulation was the right approach.

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Aides to Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina have announced that gummy bears, juice boxes, and chocolate bunnies will be added to their campaign stop spreads, in addition to the milk, cookies, and candy bars they already offer. Some observers had criticized Fiorina for talking about abortion in front of preschoolers, but her press secretary, Anna Esptein, said Fiorina loves kids. “Carly delights in telling them stories, shaping their little minds, and guiding them toward the kind of future that would be viewed as positive by any number of Republican pollsters.” Said Amy Noone Frederick, Fiorina’s senior advisor for strategy and outreach, “Carly has a special brand of narrow–mindedness and creepy instincts that the other candidates just can’t touch. Not even Cruz or the what’s–his–name. She’s great for the kind of America right–thinking Americans want.” It’s now being reported that the next step for the past chief grim reaper of the company formerly known as Hewlett-Packard is to teach children the perils of crime by showing them clips of executions set to the theme from the Barney & Friends TV show.

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The Republican presidential candidates banded together to greet the five Americans recently freed from Iranian prisons in a diplomatic coup by the Obama administration. Rand Paul explained to the former hostages that they were entering a fascist hellhole where they would have manacles of health care forced on them. Marco Rubio handed each a gun and informed them they’d need it to keep themselves safe from ISIS. Donald Trump taught them all how to duck and cover when they saw Valdimir Putin flying overhead, blotting out the sun with his immense wings. Most important, he said, was to never look Putin in the eye.

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Republicans today accused Hillary Clinton of planting cute children at her campaign rallies. They pointed to a widely disseminated video clip of a little girl asking Clinton about the gender wage gap as an example of gross adorableness that the GOP would never tolerate in its ranks. “The only people who should be allowed to lob softball questions at candidates are greasy white guys on Fox News,” said Ted Cruz campaign manager Jeff Roe. The candidate backed up his staffer. “We would never stoop to that,” said Cruz while stroking his new pet ring–tailed lemur.

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A group of libertarians and “Constitutional conservatives” allied with the militia occupying the wildlife refuge in Oregon has started selling its services to people who want to avoid legal repercussions for their actions. For a fee of $1,000, a militia member will spend the day with you and explain to any approaching law enforcement officers how the government has no right to interfere with whatever it is you’re doing. Just as has happened in the standoff in Oregon, this argument, when presented by an appropriate kind of person with appropriate headgear and skin color, forces police and federal agents to slink away. The libertarian group is guaranteeing protection against any federal charges, including tax evasion and drug smuggling. “Anyone can see that the feds are powerless against us,” said spokesman Wayne Allywut. “Do you really want to risk going without our protection?”

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Federal authorities announced plans to take strong steps to resolve the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. The United States Park Police has designated four officers to approach the buildings occupied by the militia and offer the men a bundt cake as a “welcome to the neighborhood” gesture. The militants have complained repeatedly that they need foodstuffs, such as jerky and other snacks. Meanwhile, the FBI is planning a large–scale operation involving hundreds of officers to stage and execute a “meet and greet mixer” so the two sides in the standoff can really get to know each other. The Department of Homeland Security has offered the services of an on–staff interior decorator, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms wants to propose a bowling outing but is too shy to ask. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewel said, “It’s clear the the government’s hands–off approach hasn’t worked; sadly, we have to escalate our response.”

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Michigan governor Rick Snyder took responsibility for the decisions that led to thousands of children in the city of Flint being exposed to lead poisoning. “I apologized already. I took responsibility, and everyone should shut up,” said the governor. To demonstrate his belief in the redemptive power of the words “I’m sorry,” Snyder has offered to pardon all convicted criminals who apologize for their crimes—as long as the criminal is white and any victims were predominantly poor and/or minority. Meanwhile, recent studies have found that people with higher IQs and more education tend to vote Democratic, and now Democrats are wondering if the lead poisoning, which can cause brain damage, is part of a political strategy of the governor’s to increase the Republican voter base.

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