CLIENT: This is unacceptable. MIDDLE MANAGER: I’ll get my supervisor.
Read More...A Middle Manager Heroically Fights the Battle of the Sexes by Dispensing Dating Advice to His Nephew
You would think it’s the really dark nose hairs you have to worry about, but actually it’s the light-colored ones. They stand out a lot more. Unless the dark ones are protruding from your nostrils—then you need to trim those, too.
Read More...Alex Rodriguez Preemptively Apologizes for What the Next 40-Plus Years Are Going to Be Like
I suppose while I’m on this momentary vacation from my true character and under the very brief spell of honesty, there are a few others to whom I should apologize. Pipe down, Seattle, I’m not talking to you. If anything, you should be thanking me, or at least taking back all those hurtful letters you wrote me. You called me Pay-Rod and A-Fraud when I left for Texas—among other more colorful and vengeful sobriquets—but yours was the only team that got what everyone seems to have wanted from me—purity. I still don’t see why being pure is such a desirable quality, by the way. Do you want a virgin in a white dress or do you want a monster who hits 50 bombs a year?
Read More...Success = Insanity
It has become clear to us that all successful people are completely insane. Some hide it better than others. But to our minds, whenever you look closely and long enough at someone who has attained a level of eminence, you’ll find there’s a sort of film between you and that person, because they have separated, […]
Read More...Minister Trademarks Word “Fornicate”
An Evangelical Christian pastor hopes use of a word describing sex will put money in his bank account. The Reverend Johnny Gawn says, “the word ‘fornicate,’ first of all, should be stricken from the language. But if people must use it—and worse, commit it—it should give greater glory to God.” Reverend Gawn says glory can […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
WIFE: I’ll leave in a couple minutes, and I should be home by 5:30. ME: Okay. Please drive carefully, sweetheart. I’d hate to get stuck making dinner for the kids if something happened to you. More True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway: True Things: “pretty like you” True Things: arriving at Grandma’s True Things: […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
COWORKER: Good morning. ME: Hi. How was your weekend? COWORKER: Same old. But any weekend’s good. How about you? ME: Yeah, the usual. Though a funny thing happened last night. COWORKER: Yeah, what? ME: I had this really long, intense sexual dream about you. More True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway True Things: “I’m […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
WIFE: Will you ever leave me? ME: Never! I mean, not unless I get one of those brain tumors that makes you do crazy stuff. Like the guy who became an arsonist. More from A Life Examined: Advice to Expectant Mothers Advice to Expectant Fathers While Waiting to Check Out
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
WIFE: It’s so exciting that in just a month you’ll be married. FEMALE FRIEND: I know! MALE FRIEND: Any advice for us? What’s the key to a happy marriage? ME: Always delete your internet history. I’m serious. Every single time. More from A Life Examined: How many times have I done the right thing Special […]
Read More...An Aid to Our Readers and All Writers
We love to help our readers. If you occasionally have to write reports or summaries, if you like to be informative in your holiday letters, or if you just like to send emails that are cogent, we believe we have a great gift for you.
Having just the right term for something can reveal the inherent truth lying inside that something. We at Stoneslide have teamed up with downsized lexicographers from American Heritage Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, and the Oxford English Dictionary in order to find the deep truth within the following occupations and affiliations. We’ve created these helpful expressions for you.
Read More...Due to Misunderstanding, Discussion of Housepainting Becomes Most Crowded Event at AWP
More than 3,000 writers showed up to hear a talk given by a professional housepainter and self-published author about how his two worlds overlap. The attendance was greater than that at any other talk at the annual conference of the Association of Writers & Writing Programs, which is being held in Seattle this year. AWP […]
Read More...The Numbers
Once again, the numbers came in one unit above despair. So we started again.
Read More...- « Previous Page
- 1
- …
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- …
- 35
- Next Page »
