Your asshole parents have purchased a security system with streaming video and audio that they can tap into from anywhere. Everything’s encrypted so mightily that only MIT and Stanford grads can hack into it. Now when you and your friends need your much-deserved breaks from school or other hassles, you can’t use your place. Think […]

Finding the right gift can be so hard. Especially if you are of a cynical, doubting, sarcastic disposition and your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is of the seasonally uplifted and joyous hordes. Your insightful observations about the absurdity of going to the mall when everyone in the world is already there are met with blank incomprehension. Your comparison between the mall and a watering hole in the desert kindles a spark of resentment. Your suggestion that a few predators might help the situation at the mall raises the flames and you’re back in that argument about your attitude again.

Do your dipshit parents constantly bitch if you stay in your room when relatives visit during the holidays? Do they, further, whatever time of year, insist on trying to get you to listen when they speak? Stoneslide Media has the gift for you: Silent Night and Day.

Rudolph will fit in in any setting and he will get along with anyone, including folks who aren’t heavy drinkers! In double-blind trials, Rudolph’s behavior, speech, and even his skin were so genuine that unmarried female study participants offered him their phone numbers unbidden 26% of the time. (Married female participants offered 80% of the time.)

In the three days immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, the American news media ran 4,378 dispensations of advice on what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, according to a media survey performed by The Stoneslide Corrective. These chirpy radio bits, television segments, and newspaper columns were undoubtedly of great utility; why else would there be so […]