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Jack Dorsey was named CEO of Twitter today, and in his first press conference declared that he would not support the proposed no-fly zone over Silicon Valley. [Read more…]

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Additional reports of secret meetings with Pope Francis have emerged in the last day. First, the Vatican confirmed that Kentucky clerk Kim Davis had indeed met with Francis but would not confirm whether Francis thought her eyes looked “a little bit off.” In line behind Davis for an audience was presidential candidate Jeb Bush. The pope and the scion of the Bush line briefly discussed the state of Jeb’s campaign, and the pontiff attempted to console the would-be president by saying, “Stuff happens.” Waiting behind Bush was US Secretary of Defense Ash Carter, who was pushing a large hand truck on which was balanced a GBU-24 Paveway III laser-guided bomb. He asked the pope to bless the munition but the pope refused. Carter put out a statement Friday saying recent casualties at a hospital in Kunduz were attributable to the lack of papal blessing on munitions and lamenting the pope’s causing so many innocent deaths. But the release also announced a new joint initiative with the Department of Education to identify potential mass shooters in the US and to weaponize them and drop them into hostile territory. Said Carter, “We can’t accept collateral damage in our own nation. As any politician will tell you, America is the greatest country in the world in every single respect, including in our ability to create mass murdering monstrosities, and it’s time for those monsters to contribute to the society that has done so much for them.”

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House Republican Kevin McCarthy clarified that when he said the congressional investigation into Benghazi did a nice job impeding Hillary Clinton’s efforts to become president, what he meant was that Vladimir Putin is a former high-ranking officer in the Soviet Union’s intelligence service, and as such is unfit to serve as a trusted public leader [Read more…]

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Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina defended her description of a video showing Russian abortionists dropping illegal babyparts bombs on the stronghold of moderate rebel forces in Syria. Meanwhile, a congressional sub-committee picked up on the accusation that Planned Parenthood has been selling stem cells and fetal livers to strongman Bashar al-Assad, which he has in turn been using to pelt Syrian citizens, causing increased emigration to the European Union, where migrants are herded into razor-wire-ringed refugee camps, where they adjust to the high levels of diesel fumes in the atmosphere.