We at The Stoneslide Corrective propose a government initiative to promote the design, manufacture, and distribution of firearms made for toddlers. This may sound surprising to those who don’t think deeply about public policy. We think deeply. The ultimate goal of government is to minimize suffering. Let us explain how this program will accomplish that.
Imagine this situation: It’s after midnight. I’ve dealt with house guests, cleaned the kitchen, taken care of work emails, but I can now finally go to sleep. On my way to bed I pass the two year old’s crib and hear, to my utter horror, “Hi Daddy!” She’s standing up in the crib, smiling, looking me right in the eye, and I think, I wish she’d just shot me. If she had a little rifle … It would have to be the right size for her, with the trigger designed for toddler fingers, and probably some sort of support that could be mounted on the crib railing—then she could squeeze off a round into my forehead, and I wouldn’t have that dread, that dread of spending the black hours of the night holding and shushing and comforting her, when all I want is to close my eyes.
The problem is obvious: none of this equipment exists. This is a market failure. The need exists; the potential to meet it exists. However, due to regulations, cultural taboos, and, frankly, a failure of vision on the part of our business leaders, the market has not taken off. It is time for government to step in and fill its role of correcting for such failures. We suggest that with loan guarantees or direct grants to manufacturers, paired with tax incentives for people who purchase the firearms, the necessary technology and infrastructure would be quickly developed.
Indeed, this is a program that could unite both sides of the political aisle: Republicans who support the expansion of gun rights; Democrats who are looking for government to stimulate economic activity. It could push forward the frontiers of science and technology—imagine aiming devices that track the child’s eye movements or possibly a firing mechanism that directly reads brain signals in both parent and child.
We don’t wish to appear overly enthusiastic, but the benefits could be immense. We offer this proposal to candidates on either side of the aisle who wish to prove that they can think creatively and make a difference in normal people’s lives.
