House Republican Kevin McCarthy clarified that when he said the congressional investigation into Benghazi did a nice job impeding Hillary Clinton’s efforts to become president, what he meant was that Vladimir Putin is a former high-ranking officer in the Soviet Union’s intelligence service, and as such is unfit to serve as a trusted public leader
, just like Chuck Barris, who served America as host of The Gong Show, despite being a self-described CIA operative, but unlike George H. W. Bush, who headed the CIA from 1976 to 1977, but was totally fit to be a president of the United States. McCarthy then had to further clarify his clarification to say that George H. W. Bush would have been fit to be president if he hadn’t then raised taxes when acting as president. This argument created a brutal rift in the laws of logic, which began emitting a loud moan accompanied by furious yellow sparks. The spectacle successfully distracted from other logical shitstorms, such as the idea that guns keep people safe or that the American economy is strong because it’s not creating jobs.
