stonesl

Recent writings:

    Walking Distance

    by James Esch

    “Where were you losers?!” Ronny says from the driver’s side of the idling van. His arms are perpetually sunburned. In his late 30s, with scaly skin, round, orange-tinted sunglasses, and ugly striped short sleeve shirts from Wal-Mart, he is way too old to be called Ronny.

    “We got lost,” I tell him. It’s late, but the sun’s still strong.

    “Get in. Let’s see what you scored today.” He takes our clipboard and bends over it, head shaking. “Lowest seller on the floor!” is Ronny’s rule. I want to explain what happened but am sure he won’t listen. I’m low man today. Stew had been clueless. I don’t know what was up with him. Probably hungover again. We got a good start. But that lady took us into her house in the afternoon, and then even Stew outsold me, Goldfarb too.

    “Pitiful. You had us waiting here for this? Can’t you close a fuckin’ sale no more?” He says it like he’s auditioning for a Quentin Tarantino movie.

    He drives us to the motel, where he will lie back in a private room, getting stoned, while the rest of the crew packs four or more to a room: me, Stew, Jason, Bobby Goldfarb.

    We sit on the curb as the sun angles over pillows of blued clouds. Melanie sits next to me for a change, pats me on the back.

    “You think the sunsets are this pretty in Cancun?” she says.

    “Does the sun ever set in fantasy land?”

    “What you mean?”

    “You really think any of us is going to Cancun?” [Read more…]

    Museum Damaged by Outraged Patrons

    Several windows were broken and five original artworks sustained “significant, possibly irreparable damage,” when a riot broke out after a constituents’ meeting at the Golga Gallery, the art museum of Wye Sprite University. The Dimvers police also report that two people were taken to the university hospital for treatment—one a 68-year-old professor emeritus who sustained a fractured hand while allegedly punching a hole in an abstract expressionist canvas; the other a 42-year-old homemaker and philanthropist who threw out her back while attempting to push over a sculpture that turned out to be welded to the floor.

    The fracas ironically grew out of an effort to placate disgruntled museum patrons and donors. According to several witness accounts, passions rose and eventually boiled over as the museum’s executive director, Herman Liftskid, tried to explain why he had agreed to participate in a study that many patrons felt made them look like fools. Anger had been rising for several weeks, since the study, which looked at ideas of originality and value among art viewers, was reported in the local media and on a number of art blogs. The open meeting followed apologies from Mr. Liftskid in the form of a letter to the Dimvers Inquirer and a video posted to the gallery’s YouTube channel failed to appease incensed museumgoers.

    The controversial study was run by Professor Arturo Callado, from the university’s psychology department, and Professor Mary Gingham, from the art history department. With the cooperation of Mr. Liftskid, over the course of a year, Callado and Gingham replaced selected paintings in the museum with hand-painted replicas, and then used cameras above the paintings to observe how patrons discussed and interacted with the art. The Golga Gallery is particularly known for its “Three Little Treasures,” paintings by Rembrandt, Manet, and Van Gogh that draw visitors from all over the world and are cherished by the museum’s local supporters and friends. The fact that these three works were included in the study became the flashpoint when the news became public.

    In the first phase of the study, the researchers rotated the real paintings with replicas unbeknownst to visitors. They noted no significant differences between the comments made about originals and replicas. “People offered the same banalities of appreciation, almost verbatim, especially males accompanying young females,” the researchers reported. [Read more…]

    A Middle Manager Faces Down Defeat

    What do you mean, “error”? What error? I need this printout for the meeting. No, don’t freeze up. Not now. Come on, print, damn it. Print! The executive vice president is going to be there. Not now. It can’t be. How can this happen to me?

    Oh, it needs paper.

    A Middle Manager in His Berserker Rage

    What the hell is happening up there? We haven’t moved in, like, five minutes. There, the light just turned again. Damn it! Damn it all to hell I’m late already! AAhhhhhhh! Aaahhhhhhh! Aahhhhhh! Ouch. That steering wheel is harder than it looks.

We’re sorry to interrupt
but we thought you’d want to know…

The Stoneslide Story Contest

First prize: $3,000 + publication

Entry fee: $10

Get the details and enter today

The Stoneslide Corrective No. 1

Get a year’s worth of sublimity in convenient magazine form.

Read a preview & get your copy.

CLOSE