A friend of ours has a name that differs by only one letter from that of Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee. Since few people can believe that Reince Priebus is actually named Reince Priebus, they frequently misspell his name. For years, our friend has occasionally received misdirected emails, but the trickle recently became a torrent, as the Republican Party struggles to redefine itself. He has shared some of the notes with us.

A Stoneslide analysis of the trove of internal Republican Party strategy discussions shows that the party is developing new creativity and dedication in the wake of its defeat at the ballot box. The ideas presented by Republican Party officials and regular members range from deeply idealistic calls for a return to the party’s founding vision to ingenious communications strategies.

The documents point to a promising future for the party and for American politics, according to Stoneslide analyst Sylvester Stonesman. “Reviewing the ingenuity, the passion, and the commitment in these documents, I know the party will emerge from defeat stronger and more forward-looking. It’s like the moment in the evolution of a species when new mutations emerge, and the mutants might look or sound strange, but they have some survival advantage, say sharper teeth or a bigger hump on their buttocks that can shield them from some predator. We’re looking at those enhanced buttocks right now.”

Read the documents:

FROM: Frank DuPlistey, GOP West Coast Regional sub-office
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

CONFIDENTIAL

Because our Grand Old Party has lost again, many of my fellow operatives are wringing their hands in frustration. Sir, I see a way to end the frustration: adapt the techniques that have worked with farmers to the growing Hispanic and African-American populations.

We Republicans completely screw farmers, and have for decades. Look at the record: it’s Democrats whose programs support the American farmer, and yet farmers vote overwhelmingly Republican. We can duplicate this with African-American and Hispanic voters.

We must remember: we’re not out to trick the American people; farmers are too smart  for that and so are African-Americans and Hispanics. What we will do is express ideas that ring true to them. Justice. Fairness.

The key to this strategy is that fairness be expressed at all times in relative, rather than absolute, terms. We imply that Democrats want people who do less than you and have less responsibility than you to make as much money as you. Is that fair? Hell, no. We Republicans stand for you getting a fair shake.

This approach is obviously scalable. Everyone can hear their own concerns in it. Say we argue that the greater your importance to your employer, the more you should be paid. No one who is less important than you should be vaulted over you because of some privilege or unfair advantage. Well, then, the office manager will think we’re talking to her, since she knows she does a better job than the new girls. The CEO will know we’re talking to him, since he’s more important than any of his employees. Crucially, we don’t risk turning off our core fundraising constituency, even as we broaden our base, so to speak.

This is an emotional appeal more than anything, and it has two main drivers. The first is fear, and the second is vanity. The fear is that you’ll lose something you deserve; the vanity is that you deserve more than others. Again, compare this with our message to farmers: we tell them they are the backbone of America (vanity) and that the Democrats want to either regulate them out of existence or turn their sons homosexual (fear). These two together are an insuperable combination.

Let’s consider for a moment how the Democrats might respond. They can’t claim to be in favor of unfairness. They can’t disagree with us without seeming to challenge the American ethic of work and fair reward. They’ll be forced to agree with us. We recapture the mantle of the party of ideas.

Another benefit of this plan will be that these ideals of justice and fairness will ring true not only to African-Americans and Hispanics, but to all Americans. Our message will be one of inclusiveness, not division.

Best,
Frank

FROM: Martin Lebloueff, CEO, Market Strategy Solution Empowerment Consultants, LLC
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Dear Reince:

I would like to point out the hidden advantage in your recent electoral loss. While, naturally, to a politician like yourself, getting a minority of the vote makes for a dispiriting defeat, to a marketer such as myself, it presents huge potential: You now have the allure of exclusivity. You can become a luxury brand. Move out of the low-margin, cutthroat world of retail politics and into the high-profit world of luxury politics.

Imagine this scenario: The Republican National Committee spins off its vote-getting division under a new name—Lincoln Associates, perhaps. The new, leaner Republican Party focuses on leveraging the organization’s brand equity to build out a portfolio of high-value marketing services and lifestyle products. We quickly move to hold an IPO, and realize some of the monetary value in the world-leading brand you’ve already built.

You have the building blocks in place: Your audience skews wealthy and powerful. You have dominant market share in the energy and finance sectors. You have contacts, trust, and databases any operation would kill for.

I have helped dozens of companies remake themselves, and I can say I’ve never seen one with such a promising opportunity to capture the high-end market. I await your call, sir.

Yours,
Martin

FROM: Austin Dreeps, CEO, Archimedes Intellicurity, LLC
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Reince,

I want to follow up on our discussion in Falls Church. Removal will not be a problem.

I need to know which option you want: sterile and invisible, or messy and loud. I have to form the appropriate team. The methods required for each option demand distinct personnel groups, with messy and loud requiring great levels of distancing and deniability. Messy and loud will also be significantly more expensive.

My advice remains the same: sterile and invisible is best. It will be untraceable and appear natural, yet people will “know” it was a removal.

Messy and loud relies on too many wild cards, including the whims of a whipped-up public, and although the potential payoffs are higher, they are payoffs we don’t need in order  to continue to thrive. The potential damages could be catastrophic.

As we discussed in Monte Rio, the loss of “Cicero” will benefit not just the party, but  the country. He is no longer one of us. I agree with you in that I too do not wish to do this. But it isn’t about us; it’s about our great nation. We must be willing to make this sacrifice.

Please advise.

Yours very truly,
Austin

FROM: A Better You
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Reince,

Hi buddy. Do you ever find that things don’t go quite the way you want them to? You know what I mean. You’re looking for a big reaction when the big moment comes, but instead, you get disappointment. They’re underwhelmed. They might even laugh at you.

Don’t you want everyone to know what kind of man you really are?

Try our male enhancement treatment today! It’s guaranteed to increase your “stature” in less than three weeks. You’ll be back in the saddle in no time, and they’ll never snicker at you again.

Are you ready to hear the oohs and aahhs of a grateful public? Their gasps of surprise and admiration? Call us for a free sample today and get your whole life back on track!

Johnny

FROM: Mike Wilson, Sweetwater, Tennessee
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Dear Reince,

I have tried contacting every other person with any authority in this party but I fear they all lack the courage and imaganation to understand my idea. Its the one way we can be sure to save our party. It can be done before the next cycle. And it will keep us on top as long as this great Republic endures—God bless her. Do you have the courage and imaganation to take this step?

Its so simple, you might kick yourself after you hear it. If we’d done this years ago, we’d be running things at every level now. If one person—just one o so important elected official—had bothered to hear me out or open one of my many many letters, you’d be in charge of the most powerful political party not just of today but of all time. But nevermind. You can start the turnaround now.

The idea is so simple its brilliant. We promise to lower taxes to ZERO. ZERO, baby! That cuts through all the confusion, all the namby pamby double talk. Voters get this simple message: Democrats want to take $10,000 of you money; we want to take … ZERO!

You know you want to do it. Think of how good it will feel the first time you go out and say in front of a nationnal audience that you think taxes should be ZERO! Around the country, real patriots and real men stand up and cheer for you! The avalanche starts when you say “ZERO!” and it grows and grows until it sweeps away all of our opposition.

The Party of Zero! We can’t  loose.

Regards,
Mike

FROM: Robert Dupont, Villa Park, California
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

The Peace Corps, the “War on Poverty,” Head Start—these programs sum up what we, as Republicans, hate about the government. Meddling in the intimate life of the family, sending American money to lazy foreigners, coddling inner city thugs—in short, trying to lift up the poor on the backs of our great job creators. Do you know what else these programs have in common? They can all be traced to one man: Sargent Shriver.

You probably know that Shriver married into the Kennedy clan. But did you know that he also spent two months in Germany in 1934? Who was in charge in Germany in 1934? Yes, that’s right, Hitler. The National Socialist party. Do you see the connection? Young Sarge came home—whether brainwashed or of his volition, I do not know for sure—with a mission to undermine the great United States with his European, communistic ideas.

This same Sargent Shriver is also the real father of today’s Democrat party. You can see his fingerprints everywhere if you look for them. You’ll also find that the whole Democrat royal family—the Kennedys—is his conspiracy, in cahoots with would-be tyrant Joe Kennedy, to prop up a new communistic royalty in America.

If you bring these things to light, the scales may fall from the American people’s eyes at last. The Republican Party needs to be talking about Sargent Shriver 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Brief every congressman, every governor, every senator right away. They should be talking about nothing but Sargent Shriver. They should call the Democrats the Party of Shriver. Get our media allies on the case. Investigate which Democrats have actually met Shriver, say at cocktail parties. Don’t stop until we’ve unraveled the whole scandal and every American knows what Sargent Shriver really was.

Yours,
Robert

FROM: Sally Liebenthal, Sales Associate, Triton Custom Printing Services
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Dear Mr. Priebus,

Thank you again for your business!

Sally

INVOICE #2012-003345

Total    $79,900,000
Terms: Net 30

 

 

As we said above, our friend has for years received emails only nominally addressed to him. If he passes along any others that seem pertinent to these proposed reposturings of Republicans and their Party, we’ll be sure to publish them.

Read more Republican ideas for political recovery.