We have recently come across a source of internal memos showing the Republican Party struggling to redefine itself in the wake of electoral defeat. Here’s the latest:
FROM: Frank Thompson, Culver City BPOE
TO: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican National Committee
Dear Reince,
We’re losing ground on so many fronts, but the thing that killed us this year was that Superstorm Sandy. Look, most people believe in global warming. They want to elect officials who say they want to deal with the problem. Of course, the Democrats’ solutions all involve taxes and regulation. Of course! God, I hate them.
But here’s my point, we can leapfrog the Dems and propose a set of ideas that could actually solve the problem without a carbon tax (Leave it to the dems to tax an element on the periodic table… What’s next? An oxygen tax? A bismuth tax?) and without forcing people to drive econoboxes or rationing meat consumption.
I talked to my brothers in my Elks group. Most of us had some science courses in college. Jim is a highway engineer. We came up with a bunch of Republican solutions to the problem in just a few minutes. These are creative ideas; people will see we’re about solving problems, not just taxing and regulating.
- Launch non-recyclable waste into orbit, where it can provide shade for the planet and cool things down a bit.
- Siphon off rising sea levels and pre-emptively fight fires by weekly dumps of water over forests in the American West.
- When it’s summer at the North Pole, it’s winter at the South Pole. Why not transport extra winter ice from one pole to the other and prevent this melt that enviros are so worried about?
- The Bellagio Casino has turned the desert of Las Vegas into a paradise of fountains. See what a little private industry can do? Why not sell the Great Sand Dunes National Park to the highest bidder and see what the private sector can do about desertification?
- Require the people who get public subsidies such as food stamps to plant trees in their yards. Let the moochers mooch up some carbon dioxide along with our hard-earned money.
We would be happy to discuss these ideas further at your convenience.
Best Regards,
Frank Thompson
