The Stoneslide Corrective is working with a team of psychological researchers and clinicians to develop an intervention that can help men access their true selves and their true feelings. The method consists of a single disarming question.
Read the first installment of “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions” for a complete explanation.
We share these transcripts in the hope we can reach more men who may benefit from the intervention.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
[Outside the entrance to a suburban shopping mall, camera focuses on a man wearing an oversize Rangers sweater. As he steps outside, he puts on wraparound sunglasses.]
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me! Sir, what’s your name?
JUSTIN: It’s Justin.
INTERVIEWER: Can you answer one question?
JUSTIN: Is this for the 99.7 Morning Zoo? I love that.
INTERVIEWER: It’s for a scientific experiment.
JUSTIN: I’ve never done science.
INTERVIEWER: It won’t hurt. We find many men find it helpful, in fact. It’s just one question: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
JUSTIN: When did I… Man, that’s a hard one. You know, I used to play rugby. [He laughs.] Some of the things we did. No, I got it now. I got it. I took a dump this one time. Can I say that on the radio?
INTERVIEWER: It’s not radio. You can say anything that comes to mind.
JUSTIN: Good. So, I took this dump. It seemed normal. It looked normal, you know, like three turds the size of Clark bars bobbing in the bowl. But then I flushed. Two of them went down, but the other floated back up to the top. I hate that, don’t you? You have to wait for the reservoir to fill again. Well, I flushed again, and that sucker still wouldn’t go down. I waited again. I flushed again. Again, that thing seemed to be nosediving but pulled itself back up at the last moment, and there it was floating at the top of the bowl, like a proud little duck.
Well, now I’m kind of amazed. Shit, this thing might never go down. So, I pull out my phone and I start making a video. I’m like, “Everyone, I’ve flushed three times, and this thing won’t go down. It’s a super floater. Here, let’s try again.” I flush, and then, “It looks like it’s circling down. It’s half out the bottom now. This might be it. This might be the end of the amazing run of this floating turd. No! Nooo! This is incredible! I can’t believe my eyes! The turd is pulling up. That’s just amazing buoyancy right there, folks. That’s unbelievable. This thing could set a record here tonight. We’re lucky to be witnessing this magical night.”
INTERVIEWER: I’ve never heard of one floating like that.
JUSTIN: Yeah, right. I flushed again, and I kept announcing it. I guess I was excited. You know, I always kind of thought I’d be a good sports announcer. I must have been shouting. I’m kind of crouched over the bowl with the camera filming as that plucky little devil comes up one more time. But then I see my girlfriend is watching me. [Shakes head.]
INTERVIEWER: What happened?
JUSTIN: She dumped me. But that video got 7,000 views on YouTube. Hey, you’re on radio. Do you think I have a good voice for an announcer?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sure you’d be great. Here, thank you for participating. Here’s a little thank you gift. It’s a badge showing our logo, a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.
JUSTIN: Awesome. Every time I look at this, I’m going to think about how you told me I can make it in radio.
INTERVIEWER: Goodbye.
[Pause. Pause.]
INTERVIEWER: [Pointing.] Hey. Let’s try the young guy.
CAMERAMAN: Got it. [Camera shakes as they move toward a young man in torn jeans and a white t-shirt with the Polo logo.]
INTERVIEWER: Sir. What’s your name?
BROOKS: Brooks. What’s this?
INTERVIEWER: We’re doing science; we’d like your input. It’s just one question.
BROOKS: Sure. No prob.
INTERVIEWER: First, are you over 18?
BROOKS: Yeah. 20.
INTERVIEWER: Good. Brooks, when did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
BROOKS: What?
INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
BROOKS: I’m not a disgusting pig. What the fuck!? Get out of my face!
INTERVIEWER: Please answer the question!
BROOKS: Fuck off! Get away from me, you douche!
INTERVIEWER: It’s for scie—
BROOKS: Did Mike tell you? Did Mike tell you? Is that what this is? I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill him!
[Brooks runs back to his car, a red Chrysler 300, and pulls out of the parking lot, peeling out as he goes. The camera, turning back to the door of the mall, catches another young man watching the car, while chuckling and nodding.]
EDUARDO: Yeah, awesome. [Looks at Interviewer.] Did you see that? That dude was smoking.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. We’re conducting scientific research and we need your help. What’s your name?
EDUARDO: What’s it for?
INTERVIEWER: It’s about men and how they understand things in their life.
EDUARDO: Like Maxim?
INTERVIEWER: Well.… Yeah, sorta like Maxim.
EDUARDO: Sweet.
INTERVIEWER: Are you 18 or older?
EDUARDO: I’m 19.
INTERVIEWER: Your name, sir?
EDUARDO: Edua—Gustavo.
INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
EDUARDO: Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
EDUARDO: I don’t understand.
INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
EDUARDO: What are you talking about? This is stupid. [Walks off.]
[Camera scans the parking lot. Two women wearing sweaters and jeans walk by glancing at the camera.]
CAMERAMAN: [To the women.] You can never find a good man when you need one, huh?
INTERVIEWER: [To the cameraman.] Heh. Right.
[Camera scans the parking lot, then follows a brown 1997 Jeep Wrangler, as it slowly cruises down a lane, then pulls into a spot.]
INTERVIEWER: There’s one.
CAMERAMAN: Yeah. He looks good.
[An overweight gentleman of about 60 emerges from the Jeep. He is wearing a charcoal grey sweatsuit. He walks heavily and slowly toward the camera.]
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me! Excuse me, sir! Can you answer one question?
TONY: What?
[Tony does not stop moving slowly toward the mall door. He has a bit of a limp, so that with each stride, his right leg only barely comes even with his left.]
INTERVIEWER: It will just take a minute.
TONY: What is it? You think I’m a putz?
INTERVIEWER: It’s an important question for all men to answer. When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
[Having just gained the curb, Tony stops and looks in the interviewer’s eyes.]
TONY: I was young. I was very young. I was too young.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me what happened. We’d—we’d like to know.
TONY: I was at church. My mama was always at church. We went like an hour early, ’cause she wanted to talk to the priest, like his holiness might rub off on her. So, we’re standing there. She’s talking to the old ladies and the monsignor and the priest, and I have to piss. I have to piss so bad. And you know, it’s going to be hours standing there and hours in that hard, unforgiving, cold pew. I’m gonna die before we’re out of there I have to piss so bad. But if I say anything like piss or bathroom or anything below the shoulders, you know, in church, she’s gonna whack me. So, I don’t say anything. I just start stepping back. Back, back, back. Slowly, I’m getting away from them and they don’t really see it. I don’t know where I’m going, but I just gotta get somewhere dark. Hidden, like.
[Tony pauses.]
INTERVIEWER: Go on.
TONY: I get to the side of the altar, and there’s a curtain there, and I go through it. There’s a little corridor there. And who the fuck do you think is there? My friend Dom. He’s an altar boy. His mom is worse than my mom. And what is he holding? The cup with the wine. The chalice.
It’s like he reads my fucking mind. He says, “Bet you wouldn’t piss in this.” I say, “Like fuck I wouldn’t.” He gives me the cup, and I unzip and put my dick right in the cup. I can feel the cool metal. Then I unload. Oh God, it feels good. You know what that’s like, when you have to go so bad, and then, ahhh. Everything that’s been hurting you just drains away. It sloshed on my hands and my shoes, which were these suede things and got dark spots.
I hand it back to Dom, and he looks like he can’t fucking believe what happened. Then the priest yells for him, and he runs out, spilling along the way. The priest yells at him when he gets out there, and he puts the chalice in its place.
But your question—the disgusting pig thing—I realized that when I saw every last person in that Mass walk forward, kneel down, and purse their lips to sip at my piss. My own mother, too. You see that. Oh, God, I wanted to vomit. I wanted to pull my own dick out by its root. I knew I looked worse than the stain on my shoes when God looked down at me.
Disgusting pig. That gets it about right.
INTERVIEWER: That’s quite a story. Since you knew so young, did you do anything about it? Did you change?
TONY: Nah. I knew it was hopeless. I am a disgusting pig, right? I’m not sort of like one, you know. I am. [He hits his chest.] You know, my mother just died last year. She never knew. I got a little money from her, though, and I could afford one of those brides from Indonesia. Nice girl. Really nice girl. I’m supposed to get her some sunglasses now.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. Thanks. Umm, here’s a little thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, which is a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.
TONY: Great. I’ll show her this, too. She’ll think it’s a prize. She thinks I’m the mayor here. Funny. I have to show her little things I say people give me as bribes.
[Tony hobbles into the mall.]
Go back and read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part One.”
Read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part Three.
We will have further excerpts from the “Disgusting Pig Interviews” in future editions of The Stoneslide Corrective.
