It’s well established that men have trouble connecting with their true selves well enough to understand their own feelings. This causes no end of trouble, ranging from marital strife to fascism to monster truck rallies.

The Stoneslide Corrective is working with a team of psychological researchers and clinicians to develop an intervention that can cut through men’s resistance. The method consists of a single disarming question. As a test of its efficacy, we conduct man-on-the-street interviews. As you’ll see in the transcript below, some men are surprised when asked, some become hostile, but a great number give honest, even searching answers. They seem to delve into their souls for an answer and come back enlivened by the self-reflection.

We share these transcripts in the hope we can reach more men who may benefit from the intervention.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

[View of a large suburban mall. A man in a red sweater walks near.]

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, sir! Excuse me, what’s your name?

JIM: Jim.

INTERVIEWER: Jim, when did you realize you are a disgusting pig?

JIM: Easy one. I was holding a bowl of queso to my lips. I’d eaten all the chips and there was, like, half the queso left. And my hand was just automatically lifting it up. I was about to drink that half-coagulated lard slurpee. That’s when I knew.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Jim. Here’s a little thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, which is a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage. By the way, did you drink the queso?

JIM: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: I figured. Thanks for talking with us.

JIM: No, thank you. I feel something inside me now that I’ve said that. What is happening to me?

INTERVIEWER: It might be an emotion.

JIM: Damn, is that right?

[Camera scans the mall parking lot.]

INTERVIEWER: Slow today… Oh, there’s one.

[Camera shakes as they move toward a man stepping out of a minivan.]

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me! Sir! Sir!

KYLE: Huh?

INTERVIEWER: What’s your name, sir?

KYLE: Is this MTV?

INTERVIEWER: No, it’s an experiment. This is science.

KYLE: Huh?

INTERVIEWER: Can I get your name?

KYLE: Kyle. I’ve got a lot to do.

[Kyle looks up at the sky and seems to watch a cloud.]

INTERVIEWER: I just have one question.

KYLE: Okay, then.

INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?

KYLE: Oh.

INTERVIEWER: You look confused. Are you confused?

KYLE: No. I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

INTERVIEWER: Care to tell me?

KYLE: Anyone gonna see this?

INTERVIEWER: Just the scientists.

KYLE: Ah, okay. Okay. That’s okay. I was over at my sister-in-law’s. My wife’s sister. She had just had her second baby. She was holding the kid, when it projectile puked over her shoulder. Just a big splat onto the floor. And it was so big. It was like a lake. You know what I mean? Like a lake. Well, my wife comes in and takes the baby out of the room. My sister-in-law’s crying. Like this tired kind of crying. Then she gets a towel and just kneels down to start cleaning it up. I’m on the couch watching this. Well, she’s squatting, and her backside is toward me. She’s rocking back and forth, you know, rocking back and forth while she’s cleaning up that puke. I’m just staring at her ass and I get all…

INTERVIEWER: You can tell me.

KYLE: I got a chubby. Like a huge chubby that might have split my pants. Like one that hurts it’s so big.

INTERVIEWER: I see.

KYLE: Then she asked me to go get some soapy water.

INTERVIEWER: What did you do?

KYLE: I pretended to be asleep.

INTERVIEWER: Good idea.

KYLE: Yeah. [Laughing.] That was it. [Laughing.] I can’t believe that. Can you believe that? Hah, just talking about it makes me want to be better. I mean, can I keep being that gross?

INTERVIEWER: [Shakes hands.] Thanks for talking to me.

KYLE: Yeah, man.

INTERVIEWER: Here’s a little thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, which is a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.

KYLE: Thank you. This is AWESOME! Wooo!

[Kyle walks into the mall.]

CAMERAMAN: Wow.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Hey, there’s another.

CAMERAMAN: I got ya’.

[Camera shakes and approaches a large man in jeans and a t-shirt as he exits the mall.]

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, sir!

PAUL: Me?

INTERVIEWER: Yes. Can you talk with me one minute?

PAUL: No.

[Paul pushes past the camera. Camera turns to follow him.]

INTERVIEWER: Please, I just have one question.

PAUL: I don’t want to be on the news again.

INTERVIEWER: This is a scientific experiment.

PAUL: Really?

INTERVIEWER: Yes.

PAUL: Don’t fuck with me.

INTERVIEWER: We just have one question. It’s part of a study.

PAUL: Okay. Let me hear it, and I’ll see.

INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?

PAUL: What the fuck?! You—

[Paul lunges at Interviewer. Interviewer backpedals.]

INTERVIEWER: No, no, listen. It’s important. It can help you if you think about it. Just think about it for a second.

[Paul is very close to the camera now. His face turns from anger to blubbering sadness as the import of the question hits him.]

PAUL: [Sobs.] It was all for my boy. I did it for my boy.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me what you did. Go on. It will feel better.

PAUL: I told him to pull my finger. You know, kids think that’s funny. I really wanted to impress him. You know, he’s my boy, and he has to look up to his old man. I have to be bigger than life, right? It’s gotta be BIGGG. So I gave it everything I’ve got. I pushed and let it fly. And he laughed. He loved it. Then he ran away to keep playing.

That’s when I felt it. It was wet and hot. It was slowly creeping down the back of my thigh.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, god.

PAUL: Yeah, right? We were at the park. He was playing with all his little friends. Their parents were there. The smell was getting bad, and I knew it would be staining my pants soon. I couldn’t go anywhere, though.

INTERVIEWER: What did you do?

PAUL: I sat down in the grass, which smushed it all against my leg and all over the pants. Then I got up yelling, “God damned dog! Where is that god damned dog? He shit right here!” Then I rushed a dog and kicked it a few times to really make it seem real.

INTERVIEWER: Clever idea, I guess.

PAUL: But my boy seemed to love that dog, and he was cryin’ about it and hugging the dog. All the parents were pissed at me. I just wanted him to love me, you know? I just wanted him to love me the way I loved my father. Don’t I deserve that? [Sobs.]

INTERVIEWER: Sure. Sure. [Waits for sobs to die down.] You said you were on the news once. Why was that?

PAUL: Oh, I got drunk and stabbed a guy.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. Umm. Thanks for participating in our study. Here’s a little thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, which is a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.

PAUL: Hey, I think my boy’ll like this. I’ll give it to him when I get my visitation back.

[Paul walks away.]

CAMERAMAN: Wow again.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Hey, check out the Bradley Cooper look-alike.

CAMERAMAN: On it. [Camera shakes as the cameraman approaches him.]

INTERVIEWER: Sir! Sir! What’s your name, sir?

JAMES: James.

INTERVIEWER: James, we’re conducting scientific research. May I ask you a question?

JAMES: No problem.

INTERVIEWER: When did you realize you are a disgusting pig?

JAMES: I was living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I was at a townie bar. Around three in the morning I came to lying on my side in a women’s bathroom. My head was on my arm. My arm was in vomit. My pants were down. I looked at the vomit again and saw some of it couldn’t be mine. I’d had tacos, but along with bits of tortilla shells I saw pepperoni. I recoiled, and felt someone behind me. I got up on my elbows and it was a woman, on her stomach. Her skirt was pushed up her back, exposing an ass that can only be called heavenly. Sing, heavenly ass. But she was in vomit, too.

INTERVIEWER: Did you walk, and leave her there?

JAMES: Yes, but not right away.

INTERVIEWER: No.

JAMES: I couldn’t help it. She—

INTERVIEWER: No.

JAMES: She had these black fishnet stockings, and raven hair soft as angels’ wings (except where the puke matted it). I’d already been stuck there a month doing research in the Swinburne Collection and teaching three sections of Comp and two of Intro American Lit. I was an adjunct, no job security, no anything, just pint glasses and hope.

INTERVIEWER: So you … in vomit, with her passed out?

JAMES: No! She came to! And there was just a little vomit in her hair.

INTERVIEWER: I still think you deserve a thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, which is a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.

JAMES: I’m sure that’s nice, but instead could you make a donation to a charity of your choosing?

INTERVIEWER: Um, I—

JAMES: Totally kidding! Give me that bad boy, man!

Read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part Two.”

Read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part Three.”

 

We will have further excerpts from the “Disgusting Pig Interviews” in future editions of The Stoneslide Corrective.