It’s well established that men have trouble connecting with their true selves well enough to understand their own feelings. This causes no end of trouble, ranging from marital strife to fascism to monster truck rallies.
The Stoneslide Corrective is working with a team of psychological researchers and clinicians to develop an intervention that can cut through men’s resistance. The method consists of a single disarming question. As a test of its efficacy, we conduct man-on-the-street interviews. As you’ll see in the transcripts (Read Part One and Part Two of “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions.”), some men are surprised when asked, some become hostile, but a great number give honest, even searching answers. They seem to delve into their souls for an answer and come back enlivened by the self-reflection.
We share these transcripts in the hope we can reach more men who may benefit from the intervention.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
[View of a large suburban mall.]
CAMERAMAN: Over there?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah.
[Camera shakes as they approach a broad-shouldered man in a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.]
INTERVIEWER: Sir! We’re conducting scientific research and we’d like your help. We only have to ask you one question. Can you help us?
ED: I guess.
INTERVIEWER. Great. What is your name, sir?
ED: Ed.
INTERVIEWER: Ed, when did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
ED: My neighbor wasn’t taking care of his wife, you know, in the bedroom. So, I stepped in. It was great. After about a year, though, she comes to me one day with her legs unshaved—really unshaved, the hairs long enough to be soft. But I was pretty horny. I did her anyway.
INTERVIEWER: Do you think having sex with her in that condition qualifies you as a disgusting pig?
ED: It was about the grossest thing imaginable—I couldn’t believe she was treating me like I was married to her.
INTERVIEWER: Hmm. How’d it turn out?
ED: After I came I told her I wouldn’t ever do anything that revolting again. She got into a snit. But I stuck to my guns and she never showed up like that again. So, maybe not? I don’t know. [Ed stops speaking and squints his eyes. He turns his head and looks off into the middle distance. After a few moments he looks back to the Interviewer.] What’s this confusion I’m having?
INTERVIEWER: It might be an emotion. There’s something called “conflicting emotions.” That could be what’s happening to you right now.
ED: An emotion? Really?
INTERVIEWER: It could be.
ED: Wow. Thank you. Thank you! [Ed furrows his eyebrows.] I think. This is … weird.
INTERVIEWER: Just ride it. You’ll be okay.
ED: Okay. Thanks for the advice.
INTERVIEWER: You may find that this leads you to think and feel more. For participating in our research, here’s a thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.
ED: Thanks.
[Camera shakes as it approaches a 1974 Thunderbird convertible the size of a small apartment building. It’s parked in the fire lane, the engine running. At the wheel is a man with silver hair.]
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, sir, we’re doing research and—
MELVIN: I don’t have time for this.
INTERVIEWER: Sir, it’s only one question, and a simple one at that.
MELVIN: [Sighs.] I suppose.
INTERVIEWER: Can I have your name?
MELVIN: [Sighs again.] Melvin.
INTERVIEWER: Sir, when did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
MELVIN: Oh. [Clears throat.] I understand. I was stationed in England. We got shot down over Germany in the spring of 1944. The pilot, one gunner, and the navigator died, but the rest of us survived. We came down in a pasture. There was a farmhouse near. The barn and another outbuilding were leveled. The granary only had two walls standing, and was empty. Everything looked like it had been at least a year since the destruction had occurred. We went to the house. There were no menfolk. The woman said we could have her daughters in exchange for our rations. No one wanted one of them because she was very homely. The mother said then we could have herself and the daughter we wanted. But we said no, only the pretty daughter. So we went on the pretty one. I had some high school German so I did the talking. The pretty daughter was beautiful. And she was going to be my first German girl.
It’s not that I expected to go first, but I thought I might. I thought since I negotiated it I could be the first. Or after the co-pilot. Or maybe third. But no. I had to—
MARGE: What’s this?
[Camera jerks up and brings into focus a woman with silver-pink hair and green eyes. She has a narrow waist and pronounced bust, and is wearing a red sweater and gold hoop earrings.]
INTERVIEWER: We’re conducting scientific research, ma’am. Could we have just another minute with the gentleman while you wait inside?
MELVIN: We have to leave.
MARGE: What is this?
INTERVIEWER: Ma’am, we’re—your presence will compro—
MELVIN: We have to leave. Marge, get in.
MARGE: What’s going on here?
MELVIN: They were just leaving. Get in the car, honey. The experiment is over. [Camera pans back down to Melvin.]
INTERVIEWER: I understand. Here, as a token of our thanks, please accept this—
MELVIN: Sure. Whatever. [Grabs badge.] Now please leave.
MARGE: Melvin, what are you trying to pull?
[The engine of the Thunderbird roars, and the car moves slowly away. Camera turns as cameraman and Interviewer walk away.]
CAMERAMAN: I guess that’s why they’re the greatest generation.
INTERVIEWER: The greatest something. There’s another one coming out now. Sir! Excuse me. What is your name, sir?
KELLY: Kelly.
INTERVIEWER: Kelly, when did you realize you are a disgusting pig?
KELLY: It was at a machine tool manufacturing sales conference. I and about a hundred others were staying at a more economical hotel. The last night got pretty crazy and we had a contest for who could eat the most fried calamari.
INTERVIEWER: You won?
KELLY: No. I didn’t even place. They said because I threw up in the middle of it I was disqualified, even though I slurped the puke back up.
INTERVIEWER: Sorry to hear that.
KELLY: I guess because the puke hit the table. It made me think. Why did I do that?
INTERVIEWER: Was it because you wanted to do what it took to win?
KELLY: Yes. And that was good. But who vomits, slurps it up, and immediately starts chowing down on more food? I started to wonder. I started to think about stuff. I always wanted to be a man, and I still do. I’m glad I became a man. But for a few days I started to question my decision, started wondering if I’d made a huge mistake. But then, thank God, after my next testosterone shot, all the questioning stopped. I accept that I am what I am.
INTERVIEWER: Wait, back up a second. You’re not a natal male?
KELLY: No. I’ve had reassignment surgery. I can still be in the study, right?
INTERVIEWER: Uhhh, yes, why not. Yes. Actually, your story might be particularly evidentiary.
KELLY: Great. I’m impressed that you know the word “natal.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m a scientist.
KELLY: Right. My story doesn’t horrify you?
INTERVIEWER: No. We’re finding that every man has a story like this. It’s what really makes you a man. Here’s a little thank you gift, a badge showing our logo, a pig wearing old sweatpants, recumbent on a pile of garbage.
KELLY: This makes it all worthwhile.
[Off-camera.] ED: Hey! Hey! I’ve got a better one.
[Camera spins quickly, showing Ed again. His face is radiant with new knowledge.]
ED: I’ve got it! I can’t believe I thought the thing with the hairy legs made me a disgusting pig. That was nothing. [Chuckles.]
INTERVIEWER: I’m glad to hear it. So, when did you really realize you are a disgusting pig?
ED: This is the real deal.
I woke up once in the middle of the night because I’d been having this dream. I think I was about to lay my old high school math teacher, or maybe it was that young thing at the coffee shop. Whatever, it felt so close. And it felt so good. It wasn’t just the physical thing, you know. It was like in my dream I found a kind of pure love that I’ve only found hints of in this world. Like I totally knew her and she totally knew me, and we fit together like something cosmic—stars in a constellation, or something. That’s what sex with her would be.
Well, I must have left the door open when I went to bed, because my dog Spike was in the bed with me. He’ll burrow in under the sheets and lie right against you. Well, I was just waking up from this dream, and my dick was poking through that little slit you pee through. I still felt all that charge from being with my dream woman, but I look down and my dick is kind of wedged between Spike’s back legs. It’s still warm, and it feels kind of good, so—
INTERVIEWER: You can stop there. I got it.
ED: Right! You know. [Slaps interviewer on shoulder.] And I hate hairy legs! Don’t you see how gross that is? Me of all people.
INTERVIEWER: Right. [Looks at cameraman with an expression of pain.]
ED: I know! I know! Can you believe it? I AM a pig! Woooo, pig!
INTERVIEWER: Right. Here. [Hands a second badge to Ed.] You’re done. You’re definitely a pig.
[Ed skips off.]
CAMERAMAN: Ding ding, winner.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah.
Read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part One.”
Read “The Missing Link: Men and Emotions, Part Two.”
We will have further excerpts from the “Disgusting Pig Interviews” in future editions of The Stoneslide Corrective.
