In a series of commercials that aired during the Super Bowl, the NFL took credit for children born nine months after the big game, calling them “Super Bowl Babies.” Several cities are now suing the league to recoup the costs of social services provided to these Super Bowl Babies. “The sort of people who immediately copulate in the excitement that follows a football victory don’t tend to be the kind of people who turn out to be responsible parents,” said New York mayor Bill de Blasio. “The NFL has clearly announced its responsibility for these rashly begotten children. We’re considering also suing Eli Manning and David Tyree.” Individual parents are also forming a class action lawsuit aimed at forcing the NFL to assist with some of the unavoidable drudgery of parenthood, including schlepping children to music lessons, talking with them about the birds and bees, and inserting those tiny straws into juice boxes. The NFL says it’s willing to provide one photo op in which players carry adorable children on their shoulders, and that, they say, should be enough.

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Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that he supports proposed legislation that would ban the use of the word “Obama” in the state. “It’s a public safety measure,” said Abbot. “Right–thinking Christians are justifiably angry. They know that ‘you–know–who’ is the source of all the problems in our country. Many of them are also exercising their Second Amendment rights under our godly new open carry laws. If they hear that name, which I’m not going to mention here, they’re likely to start blazing like they see the Devil’s black eyes in front of them. That president–who–shall–not–be–named has created this dangerous situation, and I am just trying to protect the people of Texas—the Christian people of Texas.”

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The governor of Michigan offered lifetime supplies of a popular fast food product to children in Flint, the town whose people were poisoned with lead as a result of a cost–cutting move by a gubernatorial appointee. Governor Rick Snyder said, “I will not rest until every afflicted child gets Happy Meals in perpetuity.” Back in 2014, a Snyder appointee said money could be saved if the city stopped getting water from the city of Detroit, and started using cheaper water that originates in the Flint River. The water wasn’t treated properly, and it corroded pipes, causing lead to leach into the water. Lead poisoning is terrible for anyone, young or old, but is especially debilitating to children, according to public health officials. Snyder said he can make things better for the kids. “I just hope these scumbag Democrats don’t try to get in my way. I will not let further harm come to the children of Flint!” he said. Snyder’s regime has been seen as covering up the poisoning after being alerted to it. In other news, the Islamic State said they’re interested in buying a Dairy Queen in East Lansing.

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Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz is backing away from earlier statements about some of his accomplishments. “When I said I cured blindness in three children, what I meant was that the tax breaks received by their parents, loyal Republican donors, helped offset the cost of eye exams.” Cruz aides are also clarifying the Senator’s statements about his military service. (A Cruz campaign chair has resigned after his assertions about his own military service came to light.) Regarding Cruz’ statements, aide Alice Stewart said, “When the Senator mentioned being decorated with the Bronze Star for his combat service in Afghanistan, what he meant was that he has never served a day in the military.” In other news, Democrat Al Gore said he was mistaken when he brought up founding automobile maker Tesla and creating sunspots.

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Republican Sarah Palin accused Barack Obama of being a traitor because neither he nor Vice President Joe Biden will attend the Super Bowl next Sunday. “Barack Hussein Obama is a treasonous hater of America. He’s takin’ a leak on our national holiday! Donald Trump would never piss on America! I will never piss on America!” Jenny Beth Martin, co–founder of Tea Party Patriots, said that when it comes to protecting the rights of everyday Americans, the former vice presidential candidate will not back down. “Governor Palin loves the United States more than any other country on Earth, just like God.” In other news, 60 Georgia parents sued their children’s school for forcing them to learn that science wasn’t created by Satan.

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Republican presidential candidates are arguing over who actually “won” Iowa. Marco Rubio, who finished third, claimed to have the momentum coming out of the Hawkeye State. But Jeb Bush pointed out that if third place is better than first place, then his fifth place must be even better than that. Carly Fiorina has been arguing on the stump that six (she finished sixth) is the sum of 1 + 2 + 3, and thus is a better position than either first, second, or third. “If you run a big business, as I have, you learn to see what numbers really mean,” she told the residents gathered in the activity room at the Millicent G. Revere Home for the Aged in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Rick Santorum said that if you add up vote totals from the caucuses in 2008, 2012, and 2016, he has received the most votes, and he crowned himself Iowa Champion of the 21st Century.

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Republican presidential aspirants Ted Cruz, Donald J. Trump, and Marco Rubio are arguing over who has the most valuable baseball card collection. Cruz said his 2001 Alex Rodriguez card (the first year A–Rod played for the Texas Rangers) is worth $62,000. Trump said his Derek Jeter rookie card is worth $4.2 million. Marco Rubio said the value of his 1993 Greg Maddux card (the first year of Maddux’ time with the Atlanta Braves) is $1.3 million. However, James Delturkle of Abbott & Tremper Trading Card and Memorabilia Appraisals said, “All three cards put together are worth about $700, tops.” In other news, the American Society of Pathological Douche Bags appointed a brand new board of directors yesterday.

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The mayors of Denver and Charlotte got a little carried away in what was supposed to be a friendly wager between the home cities of this year’s Super Bowl rivals. It all started on a media call when Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts put a box of local pastries on the line and Denver’s Michael Hancock reciprocated with passes to a Colorado ski area. “Do you want to make this a little more interesting?” asked Roberts.

Hancock replied, “Oh, I know my Broncos are going to kick Panther tail. If they don’t win, I’ll climb Pike’s Peak in the winter. Naked.”

“If the Panthers don’t win, I’ll cover myself in honey and tie myself down on a fire ant colony.”

“How long?”

“Twenty–four hours.”

“You call that civic pride? I’m so sure Denver will win that I’ll personally buy a bronco—a real horse—and I’ll sacrifice it on the lawn of City Hall if my orange and blue don’t destroy you. I’ll let the blood run down my chest.”

“Yeah? If we lose, I’ll pick one of my cabinet, they’ll draw straws, and then I’ll throw the loser into the fucking panther cage at the zoo!”

Mayoral aides on both sides terminated the call at that point.

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House Republican Curt Clawson called the insect infestation threatening to topple California’s citrus industry “God’s wrath.” The representative from Florida’s 19th Congressional district said, “California has been sinning, and Christ has been watching. He doesn’t want to watch that, believe me, and now our righteous growers in Florida will reap Jesus’ bounty of goodwill and pulp–free concentrate.” California’s citrus harvest is under threat from a bacterium, carried by an otherwise harmless insect, that causes a malady called Huanglongbing, also known as HLB or citrus greening disease. “All the kowtowing California does to the homosexuals and the tax raisers has finally awoken God from his slumber. I am proud that my state’s Christian farmers will benefit from God’s sunshiny love. You just know there’s nothing the Lord loves more in the morning than a nice cold glass of Florida orange juice.” In other news, aides to Iowa governor Terry Branstad reported that the Republican completed this morning’s Daily Jumble in 2 hours and 15 minutes, a personal best.

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Republican lawmaker Fred Upton has put forward a bill in the US Congress that would ban mentions of celebrity deaths. Says Upton, “Life is short, art long, and copyright even longer. The sadness people feel at the death of a beloved musician makes them lose sight of the more important things: that person’s music still lives in the marketplace and continues to make money—usually for Sony or Bertelsmann. The word ‘death’ thus is inaccurate. It’s really a transfer in ownership of certain rights and/or intellectual property. Our media need to learn how to report accurately on these things.” In other news, descendants of Vlad the Impaler are suing ISIS for patent infringement.

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With the Super Bowl less than two weeks away, the mayor of Santa Clara, California, where Levi’s Stadium, the site of the game, is located, has announced they will not follow the lead of San Francisco’s mayor, and will not propose an assisted homicide program to eliminate homeless people before the big event. Instead, Mayor Jamie L. Matthews announced, Santa Clara will issue grizzly bears to all homeless people living within the city limits. “We won’t be killing homeless, and we won’t be encouraging other people to, either,” Matthews said. “We’ll simply be letting nature take care of itself.” Although grizzly bears are rarely domesticated, Bernice Traddeker, director of ursine husbandry at the San Diego Zoo, said the ones that are tamed are notorious for turning on their handlers. “Tourists, football fans, homeowners, and renters,” Traddeker said, “should be safe. The bears won’t view them as their captors, or oppressors, if you will.” Santa Clara social worker Thad Winkel said, “Homeless people are compromised health–wise, and the persistently homeless even more so. Given that, we think these bear attacks will prove deadlier than usual. It’s definitely a win–win for our community.” In sporting news, golfer Michelle Wie was stung by a bee during the first round of the Pure Silk–Bahamas LPGA Classic, in Nassau, Bahamas. Wie’s right hand swelled up after the sting, and she finished with a 3–over 76, landing in 8th place. Groundskeeper Carlos Spackler said the offending bee did not survive.

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American businessman David Koch has unleashed a furious verbal attack on Spain’s judicial system following news that that country’s Princess Cristina must face up to charges of tax evasion. “This is a woman of means, a woman of privilege. Royal blood courses through her veins, for Pete’s sake! There is no justice in this world of ours if a lovely woman like Princess Cristina can be forced to face consequences like some common criminal!” Koch also said, “The middle class, poor, and other ingrates must finally learn their place. I’m sick of hearing how ‘difficult’ their little lives are. This isn’t an American matter. This is global. The middle class and poor everywhere had better learn to shut up, and stop demanding that their betters be treated like they themselves are.” The 50–year–old Cristina is expected to testify in court in February. In rock music news, 751 beloved and respected musicians died yesterday.

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