You’re the kid who’s been bullied since second grade. It’s obvious why, right? You’re skinny, tall, and uncoordinated. You play wizard games, or worse, “house,” at school. You painted your fingernails that one time in fourth grade. You wear cotton sweatpants. Your parents are Wiccans. You still carry a lunchbox.
But it’s back to school and time to retool. You’re entering sixth grade—middle school!—and it’s your chance for a new beginning. A fresh opportunity to define yourself!
You need the Loser-Diluter Handyscan. This nifty tool fromStoneslide Giftworks will scan your body for any and all signs of dorkism. How does it work?
Before leaving for school each morning, stand before the Loser-Diluter Handyscan and let it work its magic. It’ll alert you to the lice on your head, your faded Harry Pottert-shirt, your fisherman sandals, even the eczema on your elbows. It can see inside pockets for that nail clipper you keep using during class. It can scan your lunch bag—no more lunchbox for you—for Wasa crackers and the sandwiches your mom cuts into dinosaur shapes.
Then, the Loser-Diluter Handyscan makes suggestions for alternatives. Switch out those six-to-a-pack crew socks for Nike Elites. Trade in your wire-rimmed glasses with the adjustable nose pad for Ray-Ban Jr. frames. Swap your pocket edition of The Hobbit for this month’s Maxim magazine. The Loser-Diluter offers you website links and QR codes for products you can purchase or alternative styles you might try. You can view the report onscreen or send it wirelessly to your parents’ printer.
As an added convenience, you can remove the scanner from its standing bracket and use it as a handheld device. This allows you to take the scanner with you to scan and decode the dorkiness prevalent on your bicycle, your parents’ cars, your house and yard…even in your friends!
Customer testimonials
“I scanned my bike, and the Loser-Diluter immediately told me to remove my Schwinn squeeze horn. It was a quick fix, and I was off to school in less than five minutes.”
“Viewing my parents’ car through the Loser-Diluter really opened my eyes. I took a razor blade to their Equal Rights and ‘Proud Parents of a Davis Bell Honor Student’ bumper stickers. Did a little damage to the bumper, but at least those annoying messages are gone.”
“I was so used to it being there that I
stopped noticing the Lego Star Wars Chewbacca keychain on my backpack. But when the Loser-Diluter picked it up in its scan, I saw its douchey qualities so clearly. I was able to make the adjustment before the start of eighth grade, and it’s really made a difference. I have my first girlfriend!”
We realize your parents may not be willing to fork out the money for all the sweet clothing and accessories the Loser Diluter will suggest, but don’t worry. It’s summer now, and often kids are home alone or with very limited supervision. Use that to your advantage!
- Your parents pass you off onto friends over the summer, no doubt. Go into your buddy’s siblings’ rooms and filch those kids’ gift cards. Use the bro’s Lids gift card for a new baseball cap; use the sister’s Sally Beauty gift card for some hair gel.
- While you’re at other kids’ houses, you might notice that some families have jars of change right out on the counter! You can get away with taking most of the quarters without anyone knowing.
- And if your friend’s cool factor is high, steal his stuff!
You can start bragging. Committing petty crimes will raise your reputation, because crime is cool!
- Plug-and-play technology makes it easy to install
- Superior USB interface wirelessly transmits data to your smartphone, tablet, or computer
- CCD light sensors scan from up to 12″ away at 5 mm resolution and 230 scans per second
- High quality ABS plastic ensures long life. Ergonomic design feels comfortable in the hand
- Weighs 5.6 oz.; measures 6.3 x 2.4 4.2 inches (H x L x W)
Package includes:
– 1 x Scanner
– 1 x English-language user manual
– 1 x Standing bracket
– 1 x USB data cable
Forego the dangerous once-over from the popular kids. The Loser-Diluter Handyscan looks you over before school the way the bullies do at school. Now you can stroll confidently onto school grounds knowing you don’t stand out. Your puny body and fragile ego will be spared, and your parents will save on doctor, dentist, and psychologist bills.
Go from lame-ass to badass with the Loser-Diluter Handyscan!
See Stoneslide holiday gift assists:
Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy
Keep Your Nosy Parents Out of Your Activities
