Does your boyfriend or husband drink too much at holiday parties? Stoneslide Media’s Sylvester Stonesman has the answer. In consultation with the best Japanese robotics engineers, Sylvester has created an android so lifelike his breath fogs if you’re out on a chilly night.
With his pronounced rosy cheeks, Rudolph won’t come off like some anhedonic drag or unreasonable merriment mangler. He will hang out with your boyfriend or spouse and provide the kind of wholesome influence that only a simulacrum of human life can provide. Your unsuspecting significant other will simply think, “This guy’s limiting his intake, and he seems okay. Maybe I could, too.”
Rudolph will fit in in any setting and he will get along with anyone, including folks who aren’t heavy drinkers! In double-blind trials, Rudolph’s behavior, speech, and even his skin were so genuine that unmarried female study participants offered him their phone numbers unbidden 26% of the time. (Married female participants offered 80% of the time.)
Using a sophisticated behavioral protocol, Rudolph can adapt his behavior to any social situation and to your significant other’s level of intoxication. For example, Rudolph can, in ascending level of urgency:
- mention he’s hated the times when he’s imbibed too much
- mention he’s hated the mornings after he’s imbibed too much
- if the party is at a tavern, engage your sig oth in darts, pool, or some other hands-occupier
- talk about the problems he has at work because of his drinking and how he would certainly have made VP a long time ago if not for that
- gesticulate wildly while he speaks, and knock your sig oth’s drink out of his hand
- accidentally (but not drunkenly) bump into your sig oth, upending his drink
- move the refreshments station and let everyone but your sig oth know
- accidentally stab your sig oth’s drink arm with arrow-tipped swizzle stick
- tell your sig oth he looks like he’s had too much to drink
- tell your sig oth that you’re shooting him dirty looks
- mention politics
- mention religion
- specifically mention either the Tea Party or the Green Party
- vomit on your sig oth’s drink hand and drink*
- vomit again, all over your sig oth, not just the drink hand*
- accidentally stab your sig oth in the chest with corkscrew
- call your sig oth soft
- call your sig oth a Milli Vanilli fan
- provoke an argument and then beat the living daylights out of your sig oth
*all vomit is synthetic and non-toxic
If you have a heavy-drinking girlfriend or wife, order Rowena the Red-Cheeked Sobriety BFF!
More holiday helpfulness from The Stoneslide Corrective:
Stoneslide Gift Assist #1: For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays
Stoneslide Gift Assist #2: Silent Night and Day
Stoneslide Gift Assist #4: Hitcoin!
