Do your dipshit parents constantly bitch if you stay in your room when relatives visit during the holidays? Do they, further, whatever time of year, insist on trying to get you to listen when they speak? Stoneslide Media has the gift for you: Silent Night and Day.

These aren’t ear plugs. These are state-of-the-art life enhancers designed by Sylvester Stonesman in consultation with scientists from NASA, CERN, and Mark Twain High School. With its revolutionary Nunyashit® compounds, Silent Night and Day reduces even the loudest human shouting to 0 dB. Additionally, it has an optional feature that only blocks sounds from people over 25 years of age. The buds conform perfectly to all ear canals, and are comfortable and easy to use.

This is a holiday gift you buy for yourself. You deserve it.

When you want to tune out the tyrannical asswipes who gave you life you don’t always want to use music. Sometimes you want silence. Stoneslide has your back.

Silent Night and Day is perfect for use not only with parents, but also teachers, police, and that loser mall cop.

More holiday helpfulness from The Stoneslide Corrective:

Stoneslide Gift Assist #1: For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays

Stoneslide Gift Asist #3: Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy

Stoneslide Gift Assist #4: Hitcoin!

Stoneslide Gift Assist #5: iBlinders

Stoneslide Gift Assist #6: SnoopBuster