An Evangelical Christian pastor hopes use of a word describing sex will put money in his bank account. The Reverend Johnny Gawn says, “the word ‘fornicate,’ first of all, should be stricken from the language. But if people must use it—and worse, commit it—it should give greater glory to God.”
Reverend Gawn says glory can best be given to God via revenues streaming into his—that is, the Reverend Gawn’s—bank account. Anytime anyone uses the word, he says, God should receive a royalty payment. “Whenever a preacher, whenever a righteous politician, whenever a God-fearing governor or a pious prosecutor, whenever a talk show host, teacher, or deacon uses ‘fornicate,’ God should be given the gains. The wages of sin are disbursements to our Lord and Savior!”
Gawn, the pastor at The Everlasting Love and Compassion of Christ church in Dimswarth, Indiana, says all forms of the word, including “fornicating,” “fornication,” and “fornicatorial,”—although “fornicatorial” might not in fact be a word—will fall under his trademark.
How does he claim ownership of a word that’s been around for centuries? “We all know that God created the act, right? So, He also created the word
that describes it. There would be no ‘fornicating’ without fornicating, would there? So, He naturally has a right to the word and I am merely His representative and claiming His rights,” he says.
Gawn says that proceeds from his trademarking of the word will go toward—or, in his words, “near”—his congregation’s Christian ministry to the needy and others.
Kemper Fide, an analyst with Morning Moon Investment Advisors, says the word “fornicate” and its various formations are used in written and verbal speech roughly 4.2 billion times a year throughout the English speaking world, particularly in the southern United States. “That could, theoretically, put a great deal of money in the Reverend’s bank account.”
However, Fide, says, collecting said money could prove problematic. “Look at [NBA executive and former coach] Pat Riley. He trademarked ‘three-peat.’ How did that work out for him? Or Gene Simmons of KISS trademarking use of the word ‘axe’ when it’s meant to indicate an electric guitar—it’s the same story. What’s this guy going to do, sell ‘fornicator’ t-shirts?”
No one has yet challenged the legality of Gawn’s claim, but Joan Van Sant, the policy director of the Midwest office of the ACLU, says the organization opposes this use of trademark law. “We can’t allow property rights to expand so far that they devour free speech rights. The Constitution protects our right to ‘fornicate,’ or ‘copulate,’ or ‘do it,’ or ‘get busy,’ or ‘make love,’ or ‘boink,’ or ‘f*ck’ or ‘hook up’ or ‘enjoy each other’s company,’ or ‘make like Wilt Chamberlain at a disco.’ That is all constitutionally protected speech.”
Dimswarth’s mayor, Henry Diptwiddle, says he’s “cautiously optimistic” that the Reverend’s action could benefit the town’s poor. “Honestly, I’ve never heard of Pastor Gawn. But if he says he wants to help people, more power to him.”
Reverend Gawn says his move has already brought success. He says he’s secured a loan for a new Escalade using projected “fornication” earnings as leverage. “Just think of all the furniture I’ll be able to deliver to homeless people with that thing.”
Reverend Gawn says he has plans to generate even more glory for God. He is teaming with a group of Jesuit priests to claim both trademark and copyright interest in the term “missionary position,” as well as any depiction of that act in movies or television. They calculate they are owed more than $12 million in royalties by Cinemax alone.
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