Reading Is Good for Your Soul: An Invitation

PLEASE NOTE NEW LOCATION

On April 9, 2015, join us during the Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP) 2015 conference in Minneapolis for an evening of moving fiction and satire. Authors Douglas W. Milliken, Libby Cudmore, Joe Ponepinto and Mark Wisniewski will read from their work, and we’ll have other special guests, too. The reading is being organized by Publication Studio Hudson and The Stoneslide Corrective, and will be held at local literary landmark, the South Minneapolis Society Library:

When: Thursday, April 9, 6:30 p.m.

Where: Eastlake Craft Brewery, 920 E. Lake Street #123

What: Readings by Douglas W. Milliken, Libby Cudmore, Joe Ponepinto, Mark Wisniewski, & special guests

Food & drink served

Publication Studio prints and binds books one at a time on-demand, creating original work with artists and writers we admire. We use any means possible to help writers and artists reach a public: physical books; a digital commons; eBooks; and unique social events with our writers and artists in many cities. We attend to the social life of the book. Publication Studio is a laboratory for publication in its fullest sense – not just the production of books, but the production of a public. This public, which is more than a market, is created through physical production, digital circulation, and social gathering. Together these construct a space of conversation which beckons a public into being.

The Stoneslide Corrective publishes fiction and nonfiction with strong narrative movement, along with satire and humor. Stoneslide has published accomplished writers – including a Pushcart Prize winner and a Faulkner Award winner – as well as new and rising writers. Fresh online content appears every Monday. Stoneslide’s first print edition, The Stoneslide Corrective No. 1, will launch in April 2015.

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The Venn Diagram to Explain All Venn Diagrams

We recently attended a lecture on the history of propaganda. In fact, the point of the lecture was that history is propaganda—from Alexander the Great’s scribes through Julius Caesar and Napoleon, we can not assuredly separate fact from interpretation from self-generated myth.

But things have changed, you might think. We live in an era of reporting, and impartial fact-finding commissions, and data. All that is just so much persuasion, this speaker argued. Perhaps her most convincing riff was about Venn diagrams and how they appear to present clearly defined, even indisputable information, while actually being arbitrary circles drawn by self-interested PowerPoint users.

We found the following chart from her presentation to be the strongest demonstration of this point.
venn2

The Stoneslide Story Contest

Submit to the 2015 Stoneslide Story Contest.

Open to any kind of story up to 10,000 words in length.

We’re looking for previously unpublished stories that exemplify the power of narrative to make one think and feel. Ideal stories will use character, plot, description, humor, pathos, and concept to open new emotional and cognitive territory for readers. The contest is judged by the editors.

PRIZES

1st $3,000 + publication

2nd $500 + possible publication*

3rd $250 + possible publication*

Four stories will also be recognized for:
-striking use of wit: $100*
-beguiling character: $100*
-description that makes us think we were really there: $100*
-propulsive plot line and/or scene $100*

*All honorees will be considered for publication in our second print volume, and/or in The Stoneslide Corrective website

DATES

Contest opens Friday, March 20 (first day of spring)
Entries due by Sunday, June 21 (first day of summer)
Notification made on Wednesday, September 23 (first day of fall)

HOW TO ENTER

What do you have to do? Write a kick-ass story. Pay a $10 entry fee.
Wait for an answer…
Wait…
Get more and more anxious.
Yell at your kids and the dog.
Imagine how good it would feel to win.
Try using the Rejection Generator to calm your nerves.
Rabidly check your email on September 23.

Submit to the 2015 Stoneslide Story Contest.


More Details

  • All work submitted must be original and never published before.
  • All submissions will be read blind, meaning that the readers and judges will only see the title and body of the story before making a judgment.
  • Simultaneous submissions are permitted, but you must withdraw a work immediately if it is accepted for publication elsewhere, with no refund of the entry fee.
  • The contest will be judged by the editors of The Stoneslide Corrective.
  • Family members of the editors and editorial staff are ineligible to enter.
  • Up to ten stories may also be designated “honorable mentions.”

An Adaptation of Ovid’s Metamorphoses by a Middle Manager

Chapter One

Sing, muse of the middle reach, goddess who wisely keeps her head down, cringer before the throne of the mighty. Like you, I sit high enough to witness the deeds of the illustrious, and yet I would never try to climb to their heights. Watching is enough for me. Help me tell their stories, and what happens when those who dwell in empyrean splendor touch lives of ordinary plane.

coffeenarcissusThe world where my tale is set is the 13-story company headquarters of Sterling Performance Limited, a rectangular box tied around with ribbons of highway, exit ramp, driveway, and capacious parking lots. The headquarters may appear as small as a box when seen from a heavenly angle, but, remember, it can also loom tall as a mountain to those who only walk its sidewalks or look up from the asphalt square that is the designated smoking area, with its one, long-necked receptacle that is intended only for butts and not food wrappers. You have to carry those back to the bin near the main entrance if you happen to eat Sun Chips while keeping company with the one smoker left in the entire production supervision group, as has happened to me more than once.

This entire edifice, which today contains the energy of more than 700 employees, was once non-existent. Before the company, was a void and an empty field. Our founder, Mr. T. Satern, reached into the great expanses of the banking system and, pulling on the strings of family connections, drew forth capital. But in the beginning, this capital was formless and indistinct. He could make nothing with it. So, he purchased vacuum cleaners, and automobile deodorants, and carpet samples, and office furniture. And this was inventory. And with inventory he could create more business. A sales department begot accounting and after accounting was created facilities and purchasing and production and marketing and human resources and finally corporate strategy. In less than a decade, Mr. Satern caused steel I-beams and sheet rock to be erected. He pointed and sent electricians to string wire through conduit and glaziers to frame and place their fine portals. This building, which contains all my world, was constructed and completed and stood as a solid testament to Sterling Performance Limited.

Sadly, Mr. Satern only occupied his boardroom on the thirteenth floor for a few years before his children consigned him to the darkness of an assisted living facility with the weapon of an involuntary commitment and power of attorney. But they squabbled amongst themselves and the company suffered until shareholders rose up and installed a true CEO.

Today, Mr. Satern’s successor, Mr. Jove, sits in the corner office on the thirteenth floor, where he looks out on his domain and wears the garland of power, which is also the crown of care, and wields his mighty memos and directives, like lightning bolts flying down from his right hand.

But even one as exalted as Mr. Jove must use the elevator to enter and exit the building. One day about eight years ago, as the story is told, he was riding up at 9:30 in the morning. Beside him was an assistant director of compensation, who naturally trembled in silence beside his god, until the door opened on the fourth floor to let him out. The assistant director was fully out of the elevator and two steps into the rotunda, when Mr. Jove saw a nymph-like form in a blue dress swish past. He stopped the closing elevator doors and leaned out to look. Powerful as he was, his heart was tender and easily pierced by Cupid’s arrows. He’d seen the girl’s face for only an instant, but the sleek outline of her back and bare calf was the weapon that had truly smitten him.

“Who was that?” he called to the assistant director.

“Sara. She started yesterday,” said the cowed man, as if thunderbolt-struck.

“Good,” said the CEO and he rode higher again, though his thoughts stayed with Sara on the fourth floor, this woman whose existence he somehow hadn’t been aware of until now but who made his world richer.

Mr. Jove had meetings in the morning and a factory tour scheduled for later, so he needed a good excuse to revisit the fourth floor. He spoke to his secretary, a woman named Beatrice, who had immaculate hair and always wore a black skirt suit, and told her that he had left a pair of reading glasses on the fourth floor. She flew off to retrieve them, but he, crafty Mr. Jove, followed a minute after her to tell her he’d just realized they were in his car. So, she flew off again, and he stood on the fourth floor. He peeked over cubicle walls and peered through office doors, looking for that face that drove him mad with love.

Finally, he came to a quiet grotto, a storeroom with rows of metal shelving, and in it toiled a lone figure. It was his nymph, Sara. She kneeled on the floor, arranging books on a low shelf, and her dress pooled around her feet. She bit her lip while she concentrated, and her body swayed while she tugged at heavy volumes; her breasts pressed against the fabric of her dress.

“You’re a hard worker,” Mr. Jove said, as he closed the door behind him.

“Who are you? Do you work here?” the nymph replied. She stood and held onto the shelving with one hand.

“I can understand why you wouldn’t recognize me when I come down here. Who would expect to see me on the fourth floor? But look at that book right there beside your lovely hand.”

He pointed, and she saw a shelf full of a volume with a red cover. The title was Winning the Game.

“Go on, look,” Mr. Jove encouraged.

Sara tilted out a volume and turned it to the back cover. There was a photo of Mr. Jove smiling, with the description, “As CEO of Sterling Performance Limited, Mr. Jove has improved shareholder results every year.”

He stood revealed in his glory, and the nymph gasped.

“Now come with me,” said Mr. Jove. “I want to show you my love.”

He held her and urged her over toward a utility table in the corner. She didn’t resist. He bent her until she put her hands on the table, and he slid his hands under her skirt.

“I have thought of this for so long,” he whispered. “You don’t know what you do to me. You are so beautiful.”

But before Mr. Jove could enjoy his love to the fullest, he heard a voice calling his name. It was out in the hall, and it came closer and closer. He knew who it was immediately—the general counsel, June Wilton. June was always telling him they couldn’t afford another lawsuit. June had access to the board if she wanted.

The wishes of CEOs have a way of becoming reality. And so, Mr. Jove’s urgent need to hide his new lover had power and quickly changed Sara into an innocuous fax machine. Her hands and legs pulled into her torso, which hardened into squared-off polymer sides. Her mouth became the tray that holds the waiting paper, and all through her body little gears and rollers started turning.

Mr. Jove quickly zipped.

“Why are you here?” June queried when she opened the grotto door.

“I just needed one of these,” said Mr. Jove, picking up the copy of Winning the Game that Sara had dropped. After a sad look at the beeping fax machine, he let June lead him back to the thirteenth floor.

A new girl was brought in to replace Sara. Her name was Ella, and she was so shy she could only speak when spoken to first. For some reason, the thought of going up to someone and making even the simplest overture froze her throat. So she would wait. She would place a folder on a colleague’s desk and walk away, unless that colleague asked, “Is this for the outbound files?” She wasn’t without a heart. She longed for companionship and the sort of easy back and forth she saw others engaging in, but it felt impossible to her. She moved silently through the halls, waited silently in the conference room, and went out at the end of the day to her car without saying a word.

One day she traveled up to the eighth floor to drop off an expense report for her supervisor. She passed their break room, which was shaped and appointed just the same as the one on the fourth floor where she worked. But standing in the corner was a man who was staring into a mug he held. He wore a shirt and tie and a company ID on a string around his neck. He had blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. Ella thought she’d never seen a man as beautiful, in part because of the way his whole being was consumed in what he was doing—she couldn’t really understand what that was, but she could see the commitment with which he did it.

At first, she was afraid even to move, thinking she might disturb him. But then she saw other eighth-floor workers pass in and out of the break room without disturbing his transfixed stare. One came in to use the coffee maker and called, “Nicholas, Nicholas,” in front of her man’s face, and still he didn’t flinch.

Ella walked bravely into the break room after seeing this. She knew his name now, though she still didn’t dare speak it. But she got close to him. She looked over his beautiful face, admiring the clean line of his jaw, the even yellowish tan, the mark on his nose where he must have worn reading glasses. She felt so close to him, and yet so infinitely distant. The feeling was a pleasure and a torment, and she settled herself in the corner of the break room to go on watching, hoping more than anything that he would look up at her eventually and know how devotedly she’d stood by him and that he would then speak and ask her her name so she could reply.

Nicholas had been standing as Ella found him for over 24 hours at this point. He’d always loved coffee. His cup of Joe was the one thing that made him feel like he might be something more than a corporate drone. It illuminated a shard of divinity in his heart for a few minutes each time. He’d always lingered in the break room, to the point that his coworkers often came in to prod him and remind him to get back to his reports and file another account before lunch. Then, during the morning break one day earlier, he’d stopped thinking of the coffee as something separate from himself. He’d looked inside the brim of his mug and saw his own face reflected back, and this prompted the thought that he could be the coffee, he could be the feeling of warmth, and quickening, and release—and not only be a man drinking the brew.

And so he’d been captivated and he’d stood there using all the effort of his mind to become the coffee. None of his coworkers realized he hadn’t moved, since they were used to seeing him standing there for long stretches as they moved in and out of the break room. Surely, one of them would have told a responsible supervisor if they’d realized.

So, the sun went down, and Nicholas went on gazing at himself in the coffee mug, and Ella stood in the corner of the room, leaning as close as she dared, longing to speak his name but then choked with fear.

Perhaps because it was a full moon, someone somewhere took mercy on the two in this predicament, and Nicholas suddenly felt the heat of liquid boiling inside him. Before he could look up, his head became the top of a coffeemaker, with its filter and wet coffee grounds. His eyes would always look down at what he loved. His belly bulged to become the pot, his arms forever wrapping around the blessed liquid.

As she saw this transformation happening, Ella first grieved and wanted to call out, but then she thought, “I want to watch him forever, even now.” And she felt herself lifted up until her head and back brushed the ceiling. She contracted down, her whole self wrapped in a tight band, and she hung there, directly over Nicholas. She had become a smoke detector.

When they came in the next morning, Nicholas’ coworkers gave thanks for the new coffeemaker they’d received overnight. It made the best coffee they’d ever had. They also noted an intermittent, plaintive cheeping noise. After searching all through the adjacent hallway and several nearby offices, they localized the noise to the smoke detector that was Ella. Someone changed the battery. But this didn’t stop the noise from erupting every hour or two. Calls to facilities, more new batteries—nothing stopped the slow complaint from Ella. But eventually they learned to live with it.

This is the end of Chapter One. We will have future installments available soon.

An Email Home to the Parents of Divine Mercy’s Youth Ministers

We recently received this note,  forwarded from a concerned community member, who says, “Doesn’t this tell it all about the times we live in?”

Hi Parents:

I’m sure you’re wondering what happened last night at Youth Ministry that prompted me to have the children call home and get picked up immediately. So here’s the explanation. Never in 15 years of leading Youth Ministry at Divine Mercy have I had to deal with such raucous and disorderly behavior—behavior so unruly and unprincipled as to be un-Christian.

During dinner, several children were playing bloody, gory shooting games on their phones; filming each other oozing food through their retainers; blaring explicit, rowdy music; and watching a video of a girl moving her rear end very briskly in front of a camera. I know this is the culture we live in, and I don’t begrudge anyone the use of their phones (I’m totally attached to mine!), however, I feel these activities conflicted with Youth Ministry’s mission of building a parish community, honoring God’s gifts, and putting Jesus Christ at the center of our lives. They also seemed entirely inappropriate for this age group.

After dinner, I invited the children to the lounge to begin our activities. We were to start with a scripture reading, Matthew 25:31-40. (“When the Son of Man comes in glory… He will divide His sheep from His goats… And He shall say to those on His right hand…”) Many of the children didn’t know how to find a passage in the Bible, which was disappointing, but as I was coaching them, others began playing bleating-goat sounds on their cell phones. An oblique but still unfit discussion broke out about masturbation, apparently triggered by the words right hand in the Bible passage. I separated some of the boys from each other, refocused the group and continued helping those having trouble finding the passage.

The outbursts however continued, demonstrating an astonishing lack of respect for our Savior and the Holy Scripture. Each time a young person would ask a question, three others would respond with bodily noises, wild gesticulations, muffled insults, flying objects, or off-topic comments. My corrections hindered the lesson, so some students decided to take correcting into their own hands and hit fellow students in the face with their Bibles! So discomfiting to see an instrument of peace and instruction used as a bludgeon. At one point I stopped to clarify a passage saying, “Jesus promised He would come back and judge the righteous from the unrighteous.” To this, someone made the outburst, “Well, what if Jesus had His fingers crossed?”

The hitting started again when a girl took a boy’s shoe and threw it across the room. After I told her to pick it up, she refused. The shoeless boy then jammed his toes into the girl’s nostrils causing a profuse nosebleed. Then he taunted her to sniff. The girl jumped on the boy and began punching him—her nose bleeding a wide shot pattern all over him and the sofa. The boy defended himself by flailing his arms and legs and eventually tossed the girl to the carpeting. The girl then slapped the boy across the face, called him a disparaging term often directed at homosexual males, and ran crying to the bathroom for tissues and self-consolation. Again, behavior entirely inappropriate for this setting and age group.

At this point, I figured the children had been sitting too long and needed a break. I was trying to prepare them for our Townsend Street Shelter Dinner, but we couldn’t get through the Scripture reading on good deeds much less discuss Spiritual and Corporal Works of Mercy or reflect on homelessness. So, I took the children downstairs to play some games I’d set up.

At the game stations, the children could create Happy Saints tokens; play the M&M ice-breaker game; or do “Hail Mary” word-search puzzles. In another part of the room, I had materials set out to compile “blessing bags” for the residents of Townsend Street Shelter (deodorant, toothpaste, snacks, socks, hand warmers, Tylenol, etc.). Unfortunately, the horseplay continued. Children disregarded my directions to the point of cheating to win games. At the word-search table, a boy wrote a curse word on a piece of paper and gave it to a girl, then snatched the paper from her and tore it savagely inches from her face so he “wouldn’t get caught.” When I asked him about it, he said in response, “I don’t need this sh*t!” and sat on a folding chair with his hood up, texting.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when several students opened packages meant for the blessing bags. They were batting mints against the walls of the Church Hall with Slim Jims and beaning each other with the rolled-up crew socks. To me, this was blatant disrespect for the parish community, God, our property, and me. This was the point at which I told the children to call home and get picked up promptly. I was spent.

I was and am saddened by this behavior, and I let the children know I was deeply disappointed. I would ask that you have a candid conversation with your son or daughter. If you find that they don’t enjoy Youth Ministry, please don’t send them. I hate to say this, as I NEVER wish to exclude anyone, but I also don’t want to ruin the experience for those who truly choose it.

I went home last night and reflected and prayed on all that happened and have decided the following:

  1. Children from now on will be required to leave their cell phones in a designated basket at the door when they arrive.
  2. Two volunteer parents will be required to attend all sessions going forward to help control behavior so I can lead the activities I work so hard to design.

Please speak to your children and remind them that when we gather in Church, God is in our midst. We therefore must treat each other, ourselves and our Holy space accordingly.

On a more positive note(!)… All the children were issued permission slips to participate in the Townsend Street Shelter Dinner. The first 15 who complete and turn in their forms will be able to join us!

I wish you and your families a blessed Lenten season.

In Christ’s Peace,

— Melinda

More from Stoneslide on family life:

-The Pony Parenting System

-Advice to Expectant Mothers

-Parents Use Big Data to Engage More Meaningfully with Children

Top Ten Lowbrow Indulgences for Snobs

  1. Memorizing the conversations other people have about television programs, so you can later construct a decent narrative in your mind using the same names and locations.
  2. Walking into a J. Crew store and then turning around as soon as you smell the acrylic fabrics.
  3. Trailing your finger along the spines of the books in the Mystery section while thinking “The only mystery is why anyone reads this pap.”
  4. Buying brie and feeding it to your cat.
  5. Bringing a $50 bottle of wine to a dinner party and presenting it to the host; then after a short pause, saying, “Of course, that’s just for the kitchen!” and showing them the decent wine you brought.
  6. While in line at the grocer’s, converting the headlines on the tabloids into story lines for operas.
  7. Asking your maid’s opinion of one of the paintings on your walls, and later making fun of the cautiously fawning response with your spouse.
  8. Checking the score of the latest basketball game, so that you have something to say to the doorman.
  9. Watching the Super Bowl with the sound on mute, so that you can read from The Complete Poems of Anne Sexton between plays.
  10. Hiring assistants to make Facebook updates.

snobs

Update on Our Kickstarter Campaign: One Week to Go!

We met our initial goal. Awesome! This magazine is happening. We can’t wait to send out the first copies.

We’d love to reach more readers and to raise the funds through Kickstarter to both pay our contributors more and improve the quality of printing. If we can raise just a few hundred dollars more, we can improve the paper quality, which will make the magazine that much more enticing to hold—and caress, and cuddle—while you imbibe the revelatory fiction and satire within its covers.

Read more about our stretch goals on our Kickstarter page.

If you’ve already backed us, thank you so much. We’re overwhelmed by receiving so much good will. But we’re not so overwhelmed that we can’t ask for more. Please consider sharing this project with other friends and associates.

If you haven’t backed us yet, well, we’re not judging you. Really. You’re missing out on an opportunity to get an awesome reading experience and take pride in helping launch this new magazine. Hey, if you don’t want that, we won’t judge.

If you do want that joy and satisfaction, head over to Kickstarter.

Thank you, again, to all our friends, readers, and supporters.

As I Lay Dying Because You Useless Jerks Wouldn’t Let Me Be Vaccinated

Thanks. This is awesome. Didn’t you get the memo that parents are supposed to protect their kids, not endanger them? No, you probably didn’t. There’s a lot of stuff in this world you don’t get, isn’t there? You arrogant—for no good reason, by the way—you arrogant pair of douches. I’m here fighting for my life and I’m thirteen years old. Again, thanks.

This preventable disease that’s killing me pisses me off, of course. But it’s a disease; it’s doing what it’s supposed to do. Too bad you couldn’t do what you’re supposed to.

I hope you’re proud. It looks like my friend Timmy (you know, my best friend?) might have been infected, even though he was vaccinated, because apparently I’m host to a particularly virulent strain, so thanks for that, too. Yay! Timmy will survive, I’m told, but I’m sure he and his parents would like to share their sentiments with you as well. Look at you! So popular!

I get to cut all this school but won’t enjoy even a second of it. I can eat whatever, but have no appetite.

I do have an awesome fever, however. So I can lie here with ten blankets and still feel freezing cold. Oh, and I learned a new word, “febrile.” Way cool. That will come in handy on the SATs, if I ever get to take them. You guys are the best!

If I survive, I’m certain to take a year or two to recover. I’m so stoked about all the soccer goals I won’t have to score, all the basketball shots I won’t have to make, and all the other things you’re providing me relief from. Also, I will likely get to maintain my virginity much longer than I would have otherwise—maybe I’ll even get to die a virgin! I can’t thank you enough!

Sometimes, as I’m writhing in bed, I try to understand your thinking back when I was a toddler and someone asked you if you wanted to have me vaccinated. As the “bonebreaking” pains set in, I think illness must have seemed like just a possibility, and a distant one at that. What are the odds? you probably thought. You were concerned with more immediate problems, like where you’d left the fifth of whiskey. Now a normal life is just a distant possibility for me, so you really did a great job working the odds!viraltshirt2

But should I die from this entirely avoidable malady, I hope you can ease your pain by producing another child. I hope you’ll allow this one to be vaccinated. That way, he or she can grow up to reach the age of majority, unlike me, and never attend a Thanksgiving or any other family get-together again.

More on Contemporary Family Life:
A Present for Parents of Young Children
Parents Use Big Data to Engage More Meaningfully with Children
Take Your Lazy-Ass Son to Work Day

New App Protects Families from Harmful Lawsuits

A rash of intellectual property lawsuits has made news lately. Whether it’s Tom Petty suing Sam Smith over two songs that happen to sound eerily similar or the NFL attacking inappropriate use of the term “Super Bowl,” the message is clear: stealing someone else’s ideas can come back to bite you in the wallet.

A new app was released today in both the Apple App Store and Google Play Store that can help parents of young children ensure they won’t accidentally wander into a minefield of lawsuits when they proudly display their kids’ artworks on social media.

The app, called SafeDraw, quickly scans drawings and three-dimensional creations, like popsicle sculptures and bottle cap collages, to check for possible copyright or trademark violations before allowing them to be displayed publicly. This new parenting aid was developed jointly by the Motion Picture Association of America and the nonprofit Council for Right Families. The groups have negotiated deals with most major movie studios, as well as toy makers and book and comics publishers, and the app enables parents to immediately make a payment to secure appropriate rights to their children’s drawings. SafeDraw then easily posts cleared image to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Former Republican Congressman Mark Lynch is now the head of CRF, and he says, “Millions of families are at grave risk, and many don’t even know it. I have personally heard of many terrible cases. There’s a plumber in Indiana who called us because his daughters made a chalk drawing outside his house that was clearly derivative of The Little Mermaid, a Disney product. Well, that drawing was captured when a Google Street View car went by, and he ended up in court. He lost his business and descended into drink, drug abuse, and eventually homelessness.” Lynch says his organization is focused on helping parents adjust to the new world, in which nearly every idea or expression is owned by someone. “We think it’s our duty to give parents the means to defend themselves against this modern threat, just like they should keep guns in the house to defend against other threats.”

mpaaapp2.2The MPAA did not respond to requests for an interview, but the press kit accompanying the launch of SafeDraw quoted MPAA CEO Christopher J. Dodd as saying, “All of the businesses we work with bent over backward to offer reasonable rates for use of their intellectual property. Big business would hate to see anything bad happen to average Americans. But intellectual property is property, and society depends on a vigorous defense of property rights. This industry won’t fall down in its duty to make that defense.”

Leftist critics have attacked the app as one more attempt by businesses to use the law to their advantage. But Heath Snillfit, the Bertelsmann Professor of Legal Studies at the Wye Sprite University School of Law, argues that this app will help the common person. “I’ve been in this IP thing for 25 years,” says Snillfit, “and this is the best tool I’ve ever seen to help non-lawyers stay within the bounds of the law. Remember, law is meant to protect the weak from the powerful and to avert injustice and tyranny, and who would be weaker than those children who might be thrown into a lifetime of debt by one errant stroke of a marker? This is about the children.” Snillfit points to a yellowed sheet of paper taped to his wall. It has a large heart drawn on it, and the words, “Happy Fathers Day!” He explains, “My daughter did that about 15 years ago. She was really into Care Bears at the time. I wish I’d had an app like this to check her drawings. It would have given me peace of mind.”

Media analyst Eliza Halson hails SafeDraw as a step toward the future of culture. “We don’t have myths and folktales anymore to shape our worldview and help us cope with our greatest fears and challenges. We have TV series and other studio products. What would happen if this essential nutrient for our culture were to disappear one day? We would all starve culturally. We should be glad to pay a royalty or two to keep that from happening.”

Halson continues, “There is no personal anymore. We have to let go of quaint notions like individuality. With the everyone on social media, we’re all media companies now, promoting our individual brands, producing content. We need to take on the responsibilities of being businesses, not just people.”

Stoneslide Media Releases Second Super Bowl Ad, aka Ad II

Stoneslide Media will again inject a moment of reflection into the great American ritual of hedonism called the Super Bowl by airing an ad touting the virtues of the written word.

Stoneslide’s Sylvester Stonesman said, “We hope to spread appreciation for the written word at a moment when people aren’t thinking about reading much, other than, say, reading the names on various chip bags. And even then you recognize them more by the logos and the colors, don’t you? It’s true NBC claims they lost our check, and so the ad won’t be on the main broadcast, but I’m going to a Super Bowl party, and I’m going to bring my iPad and show it to everyone there, at least.”

If you believe in the written word, consider backing our Kickstarter campaign and getting a copy of our new print magazine, which happens to include many lovely words.

Stoneslide Corrective Launches Kickstarter Campaign by Thanking People before They Contribute

Online literary magazine The Stoneslide Corrective has again turned things upside down. First, we created The Rejection Generator, a tool to help writers build rejection immunity by experiencing soul-lashing rejection without ever submitting work. Now, we’ve launched a Kickstarter campaign to help print a new paper-based magazine. But instead of waiting for people to back the effort, we are preemptively thanking anyone who even thinks about doing so.

This “Kickstarter Thank You Generator” is believed to be the first mechanism for rewarding good intentions alone, or even the mere consideration of maybe having good intentions at some point conveniently in the future. As such, it is a rebuke to the cold, quid pro quo logic of gratitude.

The new print magazine motivating all this thanking is called The Stoneslide Corrective No. 1, and will include moving fiction, refreshing satire, and spots of pure zaniness. It will reach high enough to tickle the winged thoughts of a philosopher and low enough to stroke the feet of a giggly toddler. It will include contributions from great writers, like Mark Wisniewski, Douglas W. Milliken, Jude Polotan, Sati Melendez, Libby Cudmore, Will Mayer, Ellen Larson, and Kiik A.K.

Now, our Kickstarter campaign is already backed to the tune of $6,300 (as of 10 a.m. Pacific, Tuesday, January 27), but we’d like your help, too, if you haven’t pitched in yet. If you donate, you’re in line to receive a selection of thank you gifts. To learn more, and to be able to make a donation, simply go to our Kickstarter Page.

We hope you can help.

Oh, and here’s where you can find the Thank You Generator.

Facebook Posts We’ll Never See, Because People Aren’t Honest Enough

realfbposts21) I’m very emotionally needy. Like, very, very. And as with so many emotionally needy people, I’m secretly an emotional bully. (I’m not a physical bully, because I’m such a twerp, but wow, emotionally I’m a big strapping he-man/warrior princess bully. Big time.) Share if you’re basically a piece of shit emotional bully who needs constant affirmation and coddling, too!

2) I’m clinging desperately to the image of myself that I had in my twenties. I’m so worried people who see me don’t think I’m sexy anymore that I spend hours every day trying to take selfies where I look young and hot. I’ve found I need just the right light and angle. And if I hold my shoulders back as far as they go and jut my head forward, the skin under my neck doesn’t look wrinkled. I order fancy cocktails just to hold them up to the camera; I can’t really tolerate much alcohol anymore. But I’m worried. I’m living a Dorian Gray thing where my pictures on Facebook are staying young, and I’m afraid to see what’s really happening to my body. Share if you’re a total fake, too!

3) I love the environment. I really, really love the environment. You know this from all the heartbreaking pictures and articles I post about how our wretched species is about to kill its own mother, Mother Earth. It makes me so furious. We have to do something! But I’m paralyzed with fear when I think about walking out my door. I find getting really upset and angry at the polluters and the people who don’t care helps me forget how I nearly wet myself when I imagine setting foot on a Greenpeace cutter. Who else is terrified of doing what they know is right?

4) I only post to Facebook when I’m drunk. I post a lot.

5) I post so many pictures of cute kittens because my ex-girlfriend Amy loves kittens. Every now and then, maybe one time in 20, she’ll like one of the pictures, and I feel like maybe I have a chance of winning her back. It lasts a second, but that’s the best I ever feel.

6) When I was a junior in college I got knocked out of bounds into the water coolers and up over into the stands and somehow I got spooked. After 15 more downs, I never played another snap of Division II football, or any kind of football, again. I think deep inside I’m still trying to deny that that ever happened. Think of that when you see all my posts about little Gunnar and Megan killing it at soccer.

7) People used to tell me I was smart. Teachers praised me and gave me good grades. The people at my first job all acted so impressed when they heard where I went to college. But being smart is hard work, and I’ve gotten too tired to go on doing it. Fortunately, people are always posting clever things here on Facebook, like this placard that says, “OUR DAUGHTERS MAKE THE FUTURE POSSIBLE. SHARE IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER YOU LOVE.” This is so much easier than thinking.

8) I’ve given up on getting people to like ME. All I want is for you to like this post. Please. Can’t you even do that for me?

9) I’m sitting here waiting, waiting. I have 463 friends. One of you must be doing something interesting right now. Come on, people! How can 463 of you not have any new anecdotes or pictures or check-ins? I’m waiting. If something doesn’t come up soon, I might have to turn around and look at the disaster of my own life or read the newspaper and have my mind slashed by all the disasters there. I’m still waiting.

Political Innumeracy Compromises Voting Decisions

by Sam Holloway

The bipartisan hold on the overwhelming majority of our nation’s elected offices may be linked to a previously unrecognized cognitive disorder, according to results of a recent university study.

Sociology doctoral candidate Karl Müdjen of Gulf Isthmus University announced the findings at a press conference yesterday in front of the university’s crumbling Social Sciences Hall.

Through a series of controlled studies, Müdjen and colleagues established that in a voting context, many Americans lose the ability to count past three. The findings may help explain features of American politics that scholars have long found puzzling. Müdjen explained, “It’s not only the dominance of the two parties, despite their logical inconsistencies and moral bankruptcy, it’s why policy discussion is so limited and alternatives are shot down so quickly.

“We have Democratic voters who claim to want peace, and then elect—and re-elect—a president who regularly slaughters civilians with drone strikes,” added Müdjen. “We have Republican voters who say it’s all about individual freedoms, but vote for politicians who attack the freedoms of large numbers of their fellow citizens. Yet, we see very little challenge to the two parties.” The research originated when Müdjen noticed that online commenters who raise these kinds of inconsistencies or point to possible policies outside the platforms of the two major parties are quickly dismissed as “promoting a third party.” The use of this term intrigued him.

Müdjen and his team staged a mock election, complete with mock exit poll, using a representative sample of moderate to left-leaning voters, monitoring each participant with an electroencephalograph (EEG).

Of the 113 subjects involved, 110 were registered Democrats, two were Greens, and one was an unaligned Marxist-Leninist. The ballots listed only the presidential candidates from the 2012 national general election. Predictably, the Democrats and Greens voted along party lines, while the Marxist-Leninist crumpled the ballot and walked out, saying “[Expletive] this [expletive].” What intrigued the study team, however, was the results from the EEG.

Junior psychology major Albert Loft handled polling and the EEG monitoring. “Like, 88% of the Dems had like close to zero activity in their, you know, parietal and frontal lobes. In every one of them, though, the cerebellum—especially, like, the amygdala and the hippocampus—was lit up like a Burning Man.”

“You should’ve seen the liberals’ amygdalas explode when I asked them about Nader in 2000,” said Loft, with a laugh. “But that was Karl’s idea. I have no idea what the question meant, but it was cool.”

The other exit poll question got to the point of what had initially piqued Müdjen’s interest.

“We asked all of them if they had ever voted ‘third party,’” he said.

All but three of the Democrats said ‘no,’ and both Greens disputed the question. “One of the Greens, she goes, ‘that doesn’t make sense. There are more than three parties out there,’” reported Loft, with a low chuckle.

During that portion of the questioning, the brain readings of nearly all the Democrats decreased significantly. “It was like everything but the reptile brain shut down,” said Loft.

Once Müdjen noticed this trend, he added another element to the study. He called back the participants the next week, and had them step into the mock voting booth again.

“I put in a different ballot, one with a Democrat and a Republican at the top, and then a Green, a Libertarian, and two other parties,” he said. “Instead of voting, I asked each subject to count the parties out loud using ordinal numbers.”

Every Democratic voter began by identifying the Democrat as ‘first’ and the Republican as ‘second.’ Starting with the Green candidate, however, every other candidate was announced as ‘third.’ Müdjen repeated the entire process twice, and the results were identical.

“After the elections I had each one of them count ten marbles the same way, and they had no problem naming ‘first, second, third, fourth, fifth,’ and so on,” he added.

There was enough left in the budget to repeat the counting experiment with a control group made up of eighty different Democrats and two Greens, and the results were the same.

“It seems that when their minds are fixated on voting, self-identified Democrats have trouble processing ordinal numbers. Everything after ‘second’ becomes fused into a single entity, without significant differentiation,” said Müdjen. “Given the data we’ve accumulated, I think it’s safe to call this pathological.”

Müdjen speculates that this inability to count is caused by a wider shutdown of critical reasoning functions when otherwise thoughtful and intelligent Americans think about electoral politics. “The shutdown of broader analytical thinking is necessary for the individual to associate with such a fundamentally rancid thing, in this case the Democratic Party, without suffering horrific shame and guilt,” explained Müdjen. He plans future research to explore how this phenomenon affects policy preferences.

 

Read Sam Holloway’s bio.

More on governance and politics:

Producers of Summer Blockbusters to Sell Ideology Placements

White House Hires Facebook Programmer to Write Algorithm Improving President’s National Security Feed

Investigation Reveals Chicago Mayor May Be Kleptomaniac

More Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

-Good god, they walk their own dog.

-Good god, they do their own yard work.

-Good god, they installed a TV themselves.

-Good god, they cleaned their own gutters.

-Good god, they pruned that tree themselves.

-Good god, he changes the oil in their cars himself.

-Good god, they clean house themselves.

More Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

-I think he continues to take delivery of a physical newspaper  only so he doesn’t have to talk to me during meals.

-If it doesn’t have a helipad, is it really a yacht?

-If the pebbles up the drive aren’t rounded river rock, is it really someplace you’d want to party?

-If you have to fly first class instead of a private charter, why not just stay home?

-If you can’t get to Milan once or twice a year to buy decent shoes, why bother wearing any?

Most Read Stories of 2014—Fiction

We’re deeply proud of every work we published in the last year.

Don’t Ball the Boss
By Sara Dobie Bauer
A friend called a week ago and asked if I was looking for work. In Hollywood, we’re always looking for work. I’m a personal assistant to the stars, and I’m real good—like Meryl Streep at Oscar time good. They say I’m discreet and subservient; stars like that.

So my pal calls up and tells me there’s this up and coming British star on his way over for a movie premiere. The film is huge, the kind that makes back its budget in a night, and this Brit plays the bad guy. He’s never been to Hollywood. He needs someone who knows the right barbers, tailors, call girls …

That’s where I come in: David Baron, assistant to the stars.

The First to Cross the Bridge
By Chloe N. Clark
One morning I’m sitting in the booth at my favorite café; it’s my favorite because no one ever notices me there and I can sip my coffee for hours and hours. There is a woman at the counter; she’s talking to the waiter about a dream she had. I usually hate to hear people’s dreams because they aren’t meant for me, but this woman has a beautiful voice. It is how a bell ringing in some temple on a mountain would sound, if you were climbing toward the temple and knew it was still a long way off. In the dream she was a shark in the ocean. She was always swimming to stay alive; swimming just to keep breathing. One day she comes across a shipwreck, there is a man tied to the mast of the ship and he is drowning. So, the shark woman swims up to him and bites the ropes. His body spins up to the surface and he gasps for air. He makes it back to land and tells everyone that a shark saved him. She just keeps swimming.

How to Murder Your Friends
By Libby Cudmore
Smother me with a pillow in my sleep, Reese says.

Reese’s blinds are broken and his apartment is too cold. We’re out of beer and it’s twenty past midnight and we’re trying to figure out how we’d kill each other if such an occasion arose. It’s not a suicide pact, just a way to determine the depth of our friendship. Murder is so personal; you don’t know how much someone really loves you until they’ve admitted how they would end your life.

Murdering Reese would involve something sweet, something more gentle than leaving him flailing for his last breaths. Antifreeze, I say. In your Diet Coke. You’ll hardly notice the taste.

Iceman
By Neil Mathison
My son plans a violent act. My girlfriend says she’s thinking of moving out, at least until my son’s attitude improves, and if Heidi suspects violence, something more than a fifteen-year-old’s petulance, I know she’ll leave.

Last August, when Jacob’s mother sent him here, to this Idaho ski town where she birthed him, she declared he needed a change of scene. In new snow, Rachel said, a sapling breathes. Such koan-like utterances pepper Rachel’s speech, leftovers from when she studied to become a Buddhist nun, although in this, as in motherhood, Rachel only half-completed the job. Though what Rachel half-completed, I never began. I intend to make amends.

Plunge
By Joe Ponepinto
Lydia saw the man crouched on the parapet first, and despite being nearly passed out drunk, she shrieked, “That guy! Is he gonna jump?”

Then I saw him outside, perched on the balls of his feet, arms out for balance, butt hanging back into the bar’s third floor patio, gazing down at the street despite the crush of flesh sweating and gyrating behind him in the night air, despite the thumping bass coming through the speakers. The crowd didn’t see. They kept their eyes where they always do, on tanned and glistening midriffs, cleavage, muscled shoulders, fertile regions.

Whose Life Is It, Anyway?
By Christopher Wachlin
Beneath a moon sliced cleanly in half, Jason reread the note—his suicide note—and then crumpled it up. He stepped off the sidewalk into the gutter and squatted on his haunches. He pushed the note through a sewer grate. The note fell, but got caught in the spiky branches of a seedling growing sideways out of a crack. He found a stick and knocked the note free and it fell again, all the way. Now it would end up in San Francisco Bay, where he hoped to end up. He stood. He pushed his shoulder-length hair behind his ears. He looked skyward, at the halved moon, at the stars, and, across the bay from where he stood in Berkeley, the twinkly San Francisco skyline.

Recipe for Fidelity
By Tracy Elin
Tanya met the hussy when she picked up Gary for Thursday choir rehearsal. But she came up with her plot a few hours later, as she snapped long strands of spaghetti to fit in their little pot, crumbled ground turkey into bits, and chopped through a fleshy green pepper.

Needy People
By Amitabha
The samosa wallah at the street corner is back. His stall now has a blue tarp roof held up on bamboos. When he sees me, he shouts in Hindi, “And, sahab, everything alright?”

“Everything’s great. With you?”

“All fine. Just back from village. Brother’s sons.” He points at the two boys in stained tees hunkered in the small enclosure. With delicate twists of their fingers, they are sealing samosas for frying. The place hums with the scent of salted dough and nigella seeds.

Our Father
By Chelsea Clammer
He’s not the TV character Jim Bob on The Waltons.

He’s not the musician Jim Bob Morrison.

He’s not Jim Bob Cooter—the offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos.

No, this Jim Bob is a family man—a (good) husband, father, servant of God. This Jim Bob’s specialty is not in entertainment or professional sports, though he is a coordinator. He has to be. Jim Bob’s the father of nineteen children. Nineteen. As of October 2013, he’s aiming for twenty. That’s a lot of coordinating. CEO of the family. Nineteen names to remember.

Poptimistic
By Douglas W. Milliken
It took less than six months for my luck to run out and like a worm under a rock, I was found. Joel. That big brutal fuck. Quite likely the last person I wanted to see. With his fallen prince face and mouth like an open sewer. A smoldering ghost of ruin and violence. Joel and I’d had good times and bad times but our friendship kind of petered off when he went to jail for hassling some young girls, an event that I’d heard he blamed me for on account of I was there when it started and was in a unique position to stop it or join in and instead chose to walk away. Apparently he thought I ought to’ve gone to jail, too. He’s probably right.

Stoneslide Gift Assist: Little Elf Utility Blade

Have you ever tried to open a Barbie Tawny Horse and Pony Play Set? Chances are if you’ve started in on such an endeavor, you’re actually still engaged in it at this moment. The total time required to unfold, cut, hack, twist, and untie all of the rubber bands, twist ties, and baling wire used to secure the toy in its packaging is just about an hour less than the lifespan of the average American male, and roughly nine years greater than that of the average Belarusian or Nepalese.

Stoneslide Giftworks today released a device that brought that opening time down to a mean of 42 seconds in laboratory trials.

The Little Elf Utility Blade includes everything you need to open modern toy packaging in a snap, such as a butane blow torch, a 400 watt CO2 laser, and cemented carbide cutting edges, as well as reserves of hydrochloric acid and TNT explosive.

elfblade

Available to American consumers for the first time, the Little Elf Utility Blade has already become a hit in Peru and Italy. The Little Elf can also be used to slice fruitcakes.

Not intended for use by children under 12. Stoneslide Giftworks cannot be held liable for any damage to toys or injury caused by use of this product. Always read all safety warnings before using product, especially the one about maintaining a distance of 15 yards from the product when in use.

More gift assists from Stoneslide (just in time for the holidays):

Stoneslide Gift Assist: SnoopBuster

Stoneslide Gift Assist: For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays

Stoneslide Gift Assist: Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy

Most Read Stories of 2014—Humor

Research shows wide gap in incomes and happiness of fans of the band The Replacements compared to fans of the band R.E.M.
A classic that launched on the first day Stoneslide went live and continues to delight readers.

chillSociologist Finds Absurdity Has Critical Role in Human Power Dynamics
If you’ve ever worked in an office, you’ve always known this deep in your soul. But this story will help you laugh at the bleak reality.

Obscene Gesture Benefits Economy
Who knew that the simple act of raising a single digit could do so much good in the world? How does it work? Think efficiency.

Organizers Hope Take Your Lazy-Ass Son to Work Day Sees More Participation
If this new holiday takes hold, layabouts from coast to coast will learn that it doesn’t kill them to come within spitting distance of actual labor.

hlThe Devil Reads the Hobby Lobby Decision and Has Some Questions for Justice Samuel Alito
The Supreme Court holding that corporations have religious rights confused many, but none more than Satan, who now has to clean up the mess.

PTA President Pens a Desperate Plea for Strength
Do you think PTAs are just about bake sales and hugs? More like egos and sadism in this case.

Vatican Authorizes Prayers Optimized for Social Media Age
The young people these days only know how to communicate with their thumbs. At last, God will be able to understand them—even if their parents don’t.

Seattle Seahawks Fan Sues Team over Hearing Loss
Sometimes the twelfth man is the first casualty.

Gamblers Predict Chicago Mayor Will Declare Martial Law
Can so many bettors be wrong?

poetsfootball2Advantages Poets Have over Football Players
There are so many reasons to become a poet rather than a professional athlete. Let us count the ways.

Stoneslide Gift Assists: A Present for the Parents of Young Children

Any parent of a toddler or young child knows how the simplest daily rituals can become drawn-out battles of will.

You approach the child, toothbrush in hand, with the straightforward ambition of brushing her teeth–just as you do every single night. What happens? She clamps her hands over her mouth and stares at you shaking her head, no. So, you put the toothbrush down to pry her hands away, then use one hand to keep her arms elevated (while she pulls back as hard as she can), and the other to lever at her clenched jaw. Just as you start to worry about leaving bruise marks on her cheeks–bruise marks that some teacher will be sure to ask about–she flops, falling totally limp to the ground. Since you were leaning over, this jujitsu move causes you to tumble forward to your knees. You put out a hand to steady yourself, and what’s there to catch onto? The open toilet. So you change the shirt that got wet at the sleeve, wash up, and again pick up the toothbrush, to find your little girl again with both hands clamped over her mouth.

There has to be an easier way!

There is!

Clouton, Inc., today releases the Care Pillar, a fully functional hygiene procedure enabler that makes brushing teeth, washing face, clipping fingernails, and other basic activities a snap.

carepillar

Made from sustainably sourced teak and cherry woods, the Care Pillar will fit beautifully in any nursery ensemble. But its real beauty lies in its functional design. Easy-to-use one-hand latches, counter-weighted hinges, and solid construction make the Care Pillar a joy for any parent. Crushed velvet linings and an adjustable-height stand mean your child will be so comfortable, she may soon be reminding you that it’s time to brush teeth!

Just imagine how much easier your life will be when your precious little one puts her head and hands into the gentle restraints of the Care Pillar.

More gift assists from Stoneslide (just in time for the holidays):

Stoneslide Gift Assist: SnoopBuster

Stoneslide Gift Assist: For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays

Stoneslide Gift Assist: Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy

Advantages Poets Have over Football Players

The Society for the Advancement of Poetry and Poetry Scholarship (SAPPS) recently released a list of the top 34 reasons promising young athletes should consider a career in verse-making.

•Poets are not often asked to debase themselves by endorsing products or businesses in exchange for lucrative reimbursement.

•Although experts and failures alike will criticize poets’ work, it won’t be criticized by morons whose only qualification is that they can sit and hold onto a beer at the same time.

•Poets are not usually pursued romantically solely because of their incomes.

•Poets are not usually pursued romantically because they’re seen on television every week.

•The professional failures, missteps, and embarrassments of poets aren’t usually nationally, or even regionally, televised.

•The personal failures, missteps, and embarrassments of poets aren’t usually written about in national magazines or blogs of universal appeal.

•Poets, when arrested for a DUI, usually don’t see their names dragged through the mud. If they teach, then maybe they’ll be dragged through the mud, but this is almost always due to the academic appointment, not the writing.poetsfootball2

•Although some poets are washed up by the age of 35, or even 30, many of them aren’t.

•Poets aren’t generally required to wear jerseys, let alone throwback jerseys.

•An MFA graduate of great promise who fizzles out upon turning pro isn’t usually insulted 5,000 times a day in a very public manner.

•The start times of readings and other poetic events aren’t determined by TV networks.

•When a poet sidesteps a professional risk it’s almost certain that tens of thousands of people won’t call him or her a pansy.

•Rarely do poets face violent injury in the course of their work.

•If a poet receives effusive praise, it is often clear, articulate, effusive praise.

•Poets aren’t required to take drug tests.

•No poet has yet been harmed leaping into the stands after completing a stanza.

•The smell of ink can have a mild narcotic effect, while the smell of stale perspiration is generally considered displeasing.

•Poets almost always have day jobs, and even multiple day jobs, so their lives are more interesting than football players’ lives.

•Although the children of poets might in fact think the poets suck, they don’t have to overhear other people talking about said suckage.

•The parents of poets rarely have to worry about their children being concussed or exposed as dirty cheats every weekend.

•The biggest writers conference on the planet will still be less crowded than the Super Bowl, or even a divisional playoff game.

•The accomplishments of athletes are regularly surpassed as science advances and training regimens improve, while poets’ work is often most appreciated long after they’re dead.

•“Vinnie from the Bronx” has never called into a radio talk show to comment on a poet’s performance the night before.

•A poet isn’t likely to require anterior cruciate ligament reconstruction before her twenty-fifth birthday.

•If a poet gets involved in a nightclub brawl, his fans will think he’s a god.

•A poet can fumble all the words she wants, and critics will praise her fearless high dive into the avant-garde.

•At least since the time of ancient Athens, poets have not had to worry that their greatest successes could be undercut when fans riot in the streets, overturning vehicles and trashing storefronts.

 

Advantages Future Poets Have Over Future Football Players

•When in high school, unless they have physical features that are attractive to the extreme, future poets are often undistracted by ubiquitous romantic attention from others.

•Future poets aren’t catered to by coaches, teachers, and administrators to the point that they can get away with blatant rule-breaking, law-breaking, or other transgressions (unless they’re smart enough and resourceful enough not to be blatant, and therefore avoid detection in the first place), and due to all of this often learn better how to fend for themselves than do future football players, who often develop a sense that the world should meet their every whim and desire, like they’re a bunch of babies weighing anywhere from 180 to 350 pounds.

•Future poets don’t have to be concerned about being distracted by cheerleaders while they perform.

•Smoking, or the use of alcohol or other drugs, can’t get future poets kicked off the poetry team. There is no poetry team.

•Future poets don’t usually have to sit in the living room and hear college recruiters lie to them and their parents.

•When visiting prospective colleges, future poets rarely have to deal with hyper-attractive people being sent their way to entertain them.

•Undergrad poets can accept unlimited gifts and perks from highly literate and wealthy alumni without risking violation of any labyrinthine rules.

More from The Stoneslide Corrective:

An Aid to Our Readers and All Writers

The Stoneslide Corrective‘s Television Ad from Super Bowl XLVIII

Seattle Seahawks Fan Sues Team over Hearing Loss

 

 

Climate Scientists Deny that Climate Change Denial Actually Exists

This essay originally appeared in the Duncastle Eagle, November 13, 2014:

President Obama has just concluded negotiations with Chinese President Xi over an agreement between the world’s two largest economic powers (and largest polluters) to limit greenhouse gas emissions. But now he faces the real challenge: persuading members of the opposing party in Congress. The question of what actions to take, if any, in response to climate change was widely seen as one of the most contentious policy issues in the recent federal election. It is an area in which the two parties have vastly different views. It’s generally understood that Democrats see global warming as a real threat that should be addressed at its cause by reducing emissions of heat-trapping gases, while Republican policy on the environment is motivated by a genuine doubt that climate change is real or, if real, that it is caused by human actions. While this is a widely held understanding of Republican disbelief, there has been no meaningful research or investigation to back it up.

Looked at afresh, the idea that Republicans don’t believe in climate change and its effects on the natural systems that support human life, despite the clear consensus of the scientific community, strains credulity. Independent studies have found no meaningful intelligence gap between Republicans and Democrats. We firmly believe it is implausible that such a huge portion of the population could genuinely hold the denialist position.

All three of us have devoted our professional lives to better understanding climate change, and its natural, political, and cultural causes and consequences. So we began a genuine empirical investigation of the question of what Republicans really believe, as opposed to what they say–the first study of its kind. Our finding, in short: There is no reliable evidence that Republicans don’t believe in global warming.

This may at first surprise you, because you have heard denialist statements from both leading Republican politicians (“The so-called ‘consensus’ is simply wrong,” Senator James Inhofe, presumptive chair of the Senate Environment Committee) and that guy at work (“How could humans change God’s creation? I mean, really?,” Walt in Accounting.). But, as we have already argued, it is implausible to think that Republicans could be simpleminded enough to actually believe these statements. There are, in fact, several preferable explanations for such expressions of climate change denial. For one, many public figures of the Republican persuasion are paid directly or indirectly by companies such as ExxonMobil and Tohd Power & Light that have a financial interest in the use of fossil fuels. Republicans may simply feel that they are well paid to voice these fatuous opinions. Republicans may also enjoy making liberals angry and so derive pleasure from absurd and counter-factual statements. Another explanation that is more plausible than genuine belief stems from the guilt that Republicans feel over the fact that they prefer policies, such as tax breaks for oversized vehicles, that are destroying the planet to the sorts of steps that would preserve Creation for future generations. To cope with this guilt, they publicly rationalize their actions by claiming not to believe they are harmful.

These suggestions are speculative, but they are no more speculative than the suggestion that Republicans in their hearts believe the climate denial line, and in fact they are all distinctly less absurd.

In our paper in the forthcoming Winter issue of the Journal of Speculative Outcomes, we describe the results of a pathbreaking literature review, crossing the borders of hard sciences and social sciences in search of one scrap of irrefutable evidence that so-called denialists actually believe their statements. Not one single study out of the 4,000+ we looked at presented such evidence.

Given that no positive evidence for genuine denial exists and that there are several more reasonable explanations on offer, we have to conclude that climate denial is not a genuine phenomenon.

So, why is the assumption that climate denial is real so prevalent? We think the most likely culprit is the media; whether they are mindlessly repeating conservative claims because of some inherent bias or whether there is some conspiracy to mis-inform voters, possibly as a gesture to appease high-carbon advertisers, we will not speculate. One possible interpretation of our research is that the differences between Republicans and Democrats are not as large as they sometimes appear. Again the media benefits from the high-conflict narrative of politics. But the polity doesn’t benefit from this distorted view. The debate over climate change needs a shot of truth. We hope our work can contribute.

[signed]

Hal Squeemy, Professor of Political Science, Wye Sprite University

Victoria Wellen, Associate Professor of Psychology, Wye Sprite University

Willem Hash, Professor of Earth Sciences, Wye Sprite University

More on enforcement and governance:

Utility Executive Demonstrates How Regular People Will Suffer if His Company Is Fined

Coalition: Privatize Courts, Slash Deficits, and Make American Justice Pay

The Devil Reads the Hobby Lobby Decisions and Has Some Questions for Justice Samuel Alito

Look on My Works and Wonder

Ozeem, the sub-deputy governor of the province, had the patience of a bureaucrat who has learned that nothing good arrives in time for you to appreciate it and an imp’s glee in practical jokes. When an order came down to ensure that all Grade 2 and higher roadways had accurate and durable mile markers, Ozeem was put in charge of commissioning the appropriate signs and overseeing their installation. He had 14,323 miles of qualifying roadway within his province. The applicable regulations left him some discretion in materials, as long as the resulting marker clearly listed the mile point and the roadway and was durable. Ozeem ordered 14,322 markers in sandstone. And he ordered one, Mile 27 on Route 14A-C (chosen almost at random), in marble.

He knew that while the sandstone would likely last longer than the routes it measured, and thus fulfill its purpose, over the course of centuries, it would wear away. The one marble marker, however, would last millennia longer. It would even remain readable.

Ozeem liked to think about how one day a future society with no memory of his own would find this singular marker, with “Mile 27, Route 14A-C” chiseled into its side, and be forced to create some meaning out of its singularity. He’d imagine future theories about the sacred nature of the number 27 or how this marker was placed at the center of some ritual space, and he would emit a bureaucrat’s silent, cautious chuckle.

Movement for Money Rights May Reshape Elections

Danvorious Tohd hopes this election will be the last one that’s corrupt. As he sees it, politics is currently defiled by unjustified restrictions on individual and corporate spending—what he calls “handcuffs made from regulations and rules.” Tohd is an outspoken proponent for a California ballot measure known as Prop 88, which he believes would fix the problem by outlawing any restrictions on spending in elections. Such restrictions would be deemed unconstitutional intrusions on individual liberty.

Prop 88 was thought to be a long shot, but a recent infusion of money from the Tohd Family Foundation’s Initiative for Money Rights has boosted its poll numbers, and forecasters now say it’s likely to become law—and to reshape politics as we know it.

The Stoneslide Corrective caught up with Tohd, the CEO of Tohd Power & Light, after a rally he held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Tohd spoke for about 15 minutes to a capacity crowd at the 18,000-seat arena, laying out the reasoning behind his push for money rights, which he said is really about protecting the rights of every individual. His speech came between sets by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Daughtry in what was billed as a We Want To Be Free! Concert. (Representatives of the bands later said they were unaware the event, sponsored by the Tohd Family Foundation, had a political purpose and they were just playing for the money, not the cause.) Tohd received his loudest cheers when he announced that he was paying for free beers at the concession stands for the rest of the day.

This reporter managed to catch Tohd on his way out of the arena. Standing near the corner of Figueroa Street and W. 12th Street, Tohd wore sunglasses against the afternoon glare and was accompanied by assistants and functionaries. Three held phones for him and provided updates on the price of natural gas and Tohd P&L’s stock price, as well as other financial information. One seemed focused on the straightness of Tohd’s tie. The others relayed messages to a waiting limo and adjusted Tohd’s schedule on the fly, as he seemed to be scheduled down to the half-minute.

Asked why he was doing so much to try to pass Prop 88, Tohd replied, “A lot of people think this is about power. But it’s really about love. Our relationship with our money is the most intimate relationship we have. Many of us love our money more than our wives or our children. We tell things to our money that we’d never say to a doctor, even. The law needs to recognize this love, not stifle it. If the gays and the lesbians can love people of the same sex, normal people should be able to give full expression to their love of money.”

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Prop 88 has generated widespread debate, but one plank stands out as most controversial: the call to allow citizens to sell their votes to the highest bidder.

Tohd, whose pro-business views have made him a darling of conservative radio and a lightning rod for liberal hate, has been vocal on this point. In a sixty-second television advertisement being run in four major markets, he tells the camera, “You deserve the right to profit from your decisions. I know times are tough right now for many of you. Why cut off a revenue stream? That’s like cutting off your own arm.”

In our interview, he also argued that allowing vote buying will lead to more effective leadership in government. “After all, people willing to spend more money for office must want it more and so are likely to work harder so their investment won’t go to waste.”

While Tohd was speaking with The Stoneslide Corrective, a small crowd gathered and chanted, “Votes can’t be bought! Votes can’t be bought!” Seeing that this reporter had become nervous at the raucous shouts, Tohd turned to the demonstrators and called out, “Here’s $100 for each of you, go get some Starbucks.” He handed a stack of bills to an assistant, who approached the crowd and handed out the money. The chants stopped. The crowd dispersed.

“Why would you make that a crime?” Tohd asked, sounding as sad as a child looking down at a dropped ice cream cone. “You see, they’re better off. They’re happier now that they have a hundred bucks. You’re happier because you’re not scared anymore. I’m happier because I don’t have to hear their misguided squealing. That’s what economic exchange does—it makes everyone better off, without exception. It’s more democratic than democracy, you might say.”

One concern about Prop 88 is that it could put state law at variance with federal campaign laws. But Tohd points out that there’s a precedent for this in California’s medical marijuana laws. “Again, it’s about not bowing your neck to tyranny,” says Tohd. “Besides, I love growers. They’re great electricity customers.”

Some critics have called Prop 88 a throwback to days of oligarchy and white male privilege, pointing out similarities to property-based restrictions on voting that existed in the early years of the American republic. Tohd becomes animated in rebutting this argument. “I think property requirements are wrong. Government should never require anything. That’s just crazy. But how can you argue that every man deserves a vote and then turn around and deny that man just compensation, negotiated fairly and openly, for that vote he owns? That’s socialism right there.”

An assistant stepped in to end the interview, but Tohd brushed her aside, saying he wanted to make one more point. “Anyone but a dolt can see that markets can improve politics. When this resolution passes, PayPal will be here tomorrow to make it easy for you to sell your vote, or maybe eBay’ll do it, and that will create jobs.” Tohd’s voice takes on a dreamy tone. “Money rights are human rights, as I always say.”

He heads off, waving away a final question about whether he has further political ambitions after the fight for Prop 88 has ended. But whether he answers that question or not, rumors will continue to swirl that Tohd is preparing for a big move into politics.

And the Winner of the Stoneslide Snap Contest Is…

Writer and lexicographer Samuel Johnson famously said that nobody but a blockhead ever wrote for anything except free entry to the annual AWP Conference. Or something like that. We couldn’t agree more if we were a Scottish biographer.

We are delighted to be able to announce that of all the amazing, dazzling, and gripping entries in our Snap Contest for flash pieces, author Libby Cudmore takes first place with her story “How to Murder Your Friends.” Libby wins free registration for all four days of the AWP Conference (Association of Writers and Writing Programs, for folks scoring at home) in April 2015, to be held in Minneapolis. In addition, her story garners publication in The Stoneslide Corrective. Go read this excellent piece of flash fiction.

Libby’s stories and essays have appeared in recent issues of The Big Click, Big Lucks, Chamber Four, the Vestal Review, Pank, and The New Rivers Press American Fiction Anthology #13. Her short story “The Redemption of Oren Barry” received an honorable mention in the Stoneslide Story Contest and her debut novel is forthcoming from William Morrow in Winter 2016.

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Producers of Summer Blockbusters to Sell Ideology Placements

The deeply held political beliefs of the American people can’t be bought. But movie producers are betting that they can be sold.

The Stoneslide Corrective has acquired proposals prepared by major studios and independent producers to insert ideological content in movies slated to be released in the summer of 2016, just before the next US presidential election. The proposals were sent to the Super PACs of major candidates and both political parties asking for payments ranging from $50,000 to $15,000,000 in return for ideologically friendly zingers, characters, and even whole subplots. Analysts say this is merely a logical development of the increasing use of product placement in feature films in recent years. Call it ideology placement.

Stoneslide has seen proposals made by director-producer Steven Spielberg, as well as neo-slapstick filmmaker Judd Apatow. Both of these directors have capped ideological inserts at 4% of the total film and limited the range of ideologies they’re willing to incorporate. According to our sources, however, Michael Bay, director of the Transformers series, has offered up to 96% of his planned 2016 release and is open to any suitor who can pay.

Here is one excerpt from a major studio pitch document obtained by The Stoneslide Corrective for the forthcoming Virtue’s Stalker:

-THE PLACEMENT “Always finish off your enemies. Now that Obamacare is the law of the land, if they’re not stone dead, they’re sure to be nursed back to health and then they’ll come looking for revenge.”

-THE STORY Ned Striver, a grizzled veteran of the war in Afghanistan, gives this advice to his 8-year-old son Kyle. The boy grows up and forgets his father’s words. With charm and intelligence, Kyle finds success working as a partner in a secretive global investment firm… until he stumbles on the wrong secret and his partners turn against him. Then he needs his father’s toughness and cynical realism if he’s going to survive, and the two team up to fight their enemies.

The producers are asking $250,000 for this quip. They argue that it plays a pivotal role in Kyle’s development and comes from the mouth of the admirable Ned, and so will sink into the audience’s subconscious, creating a deep and pervading positive association with President Obama’s signature health care law. They suggest the line could add a full point to top-line Democratic approval numbers.

Some other pitches uncovered by The Stoneslide Corrective:

-THE STORY In Death Squeeze, Hank Ellway, a burned-out special ops animal control officer, ends up the only man who can save a small Florida town besieged by genetically altered Burmese pythons. In a pivotal scene, Hank saves eight-year-old Johnny, who was cornered atop his school jungle gym by three enormous snakes. After Hank slices off the heads of all three snakes with one mighty swing of a reconditioned chainsaw, the boy gushes:

-THE PLACEMENT “You’re a real hero!” Hank responds: “A real hero would kill the Democrat-backed regulations that are strangling our economy, kid.” Guaranteed applause line. Cost: $350,000.

 

-THE STORY Mega-man’s nemesis is the wily and nefarious Dr. Destructo. After creating a space-time portal in a meteorological experiment gone awry, Destructo threatens to unleash the armies of ancient Mars on planet Earth. Unfortunately for the side of evil, Destructo has a lieutenant, the bumbling Entero. Entero repeatedly voices Randian declarations of autonomy and superiority only to find himself unable to complete the simplest assignments without relying on the talents of members of the proletariat.

-THE PLACEMENT In one telling scene, Entero is trying to plant an explosive device in a toilet but ends up locking himself in the stall and has to call desperately for help from a janitor as the timer on the bomb ticks. That’ll prove that glibertarians really need the common man. Cost: $1,000,000.

 

-THE STORY Julie thinks her luck with men has finally changed when she meets Charles at the engagement party of her deeply religious cousin. After being paired up in a Noah’s Ark party game, the two fall head over heels in love. Trouble arises when Julie, a lawyer for the ACLU, finds out that small-business owner Charles doesn’t provide contraceptive coverage for his employees. Julie swears she’ll never see Charles again. But then she’s assigned to go undercover in Charles’ company to investigate his health plan. On the inside, she sees how Charles is adored by his employees, who admire his deep principles and upright character and appreciate being saved from their own promiscuous impulses. Julie comes back to Charles, declaring:

-THE PLACEMENT “Even business owners need to keep their own consciences.” A Good Man, a Good Boss is sure to win over liberal-leaning single women. Cost: $1,500,000.

According to a source inside one of the studios, they have field-tested ideology placement, and the results are off the charts. In one test as many as 15% of viewers changed their preferred candidate. Assuming a given summer blockbuster reaches 25% of the voting population, this could be enough to change the outcome of a tight election. Says our source, “When you’re in a condition to believe in flying men in spandex for two hours, you’ll believe in supply-side economics, too. It’s the perfect way to reach voters.”

ideology300However, the same tests found that placements that were too specifically tied to one candidate could backfire. “People want to be told what to do, but they don’t want to think that they’re being told what to do,” explains our source, who participated in the research underlying ideological placement. “So a thinly veiled ad is perfect. They can pretend to be thinking for themselves while actually giving up all autonomous thought. That’s really what pop culture is all about.”

Experts predict that pollsters and poll aggregators, like Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com and Real Clear Politics, will have to incorporate the box office returns of Democratic and Republican films into their models.

Critics are likely to see ideology placement as one more example of the corrupting force of money. If even our summer blockbusters can be pulled into the political-money vortex, what is safe? We spoke with Chad Winet, a political science professor at Wye Sprite University who has studied 21st century partisanship. “I would see it the other way around,” he said. “This is an extension of the civic debate, which our founders saw as absolutely critical, into popular culture. How could it not be enriching for audiences to be exposed to these issues? Those who question this practice are really questioning the intelligence of the American people and their ability to participate in political discussion. And that pisses me off. We have the greatest movies in the world, and we have the greatest health care system in the world, and we have the greatest democracy (or vaguely representative system) that has ever existed. Frankly, I’d say anyone who doesn’t like this doesn’t get it, and should go live in some other country.”

 

More on money, politics, and governance:

-University Purchases City for Economics Experiments

-Gamblers Predict Chicago Mayor Will Declare Martial Law

-Coalition: Privatize Courts, Slash Deficits, and Make American Justice Pay