We came across this advice column in the April 2014 issue of Lint Fancier, and we thought it could be useful to a broader audience.
Recent research has shown that nothing is better for our sense of well being than staying in touch with other people. But what if people can’t stand to be around you? Here are five simple steps that will have you on the way to social intercourse, despite all your personal failings:
1- Take a test drive. Of course you know that you can go to any car dealership and take the latest models out for a spin. But the best part is the relationship you can form with the salespeople. They’re always happy to see you. They’ll shake your hand, slap your back, talk about sports, even go out for a drive around the neighborhood with you. It’s friendship, without any of the hassles. For maximum effect, do some research before your visit. Find out what’s the biggest turkey on the lot. You’ll be glad you did this when you see the look of joy on your new friend’s face when you say you’ve been thinking of purchasing one of those. Another thing I’ve noticed is that salespeople always respond well to warmth. If you give them a little hug, they’re sure to hug back and, unlike some other people I can think of, they won’t slap you. I’ve heard people say that capitalism is cold-hearted, but I think this shows that the opposite is the case.
2- Share your expertise. The internet is filled with discussion boards, chat rooms, and forums. Each of these is in turn filled with people looking for answers to questions that are dearly important to them. You can help them—and receive their gratitude. Don’t worry if you don’t know much about anything, people are grateful just to be given a clear, authoritative answer. There’s nothing like the feeling of helping someone else. I’ve been called “the best,” “awesome,” “a godsend,” and “da man” by some of these thankful people, and walked around for days with a little glow. Here’s how it works: I find a discussion board, say one devoted to mountaineering. I look for a question that hasn’t gotten any responses yet; in this case, it might be, “Does anyone know if the route from the summit of Adams to the north peak is passable without crampons in the winter?” Then I jump in. It’s important to be clear and succinct. This makes people feel better. It also helps to throw in some personal experience. This makes them feel comfortable with you. “Sure. I’ve done it in January and in February. It’s a blast. Go for it!” See how encouraging that is?
3- Sign up for e-newsletters. Go to the websites of major retailers or any large charitable organization. Most of them have a button that says “subscribe” or “newsletter” or “learn more.” It costs nothing to sign up for these email services. You will then get regular messages in your inbox, which you can look through and think about each day. I have done this. I now get dozens of messages each day directed just to me. And I feel a little lift of my heart every time I see that greeting, “Dear Mike.” The art of letter writing is dead, but a new art form has taken its place. As an added bonus, you can tell people that you spend hours every day just going through your email. They will assume that, 1- you are very important, and 2- you have many friends and associates to stay in touch with. Half the joy of friendship is letting others know how well endowed you are in that respect.
4- Go to a free concert. There are many of these given by choirs and orchestras where they play the great works from the history of music. Apparently, no one likes this music because they have to give away tickets. You probably won’t like it either. But if you pick a seat that is behind the conductor, you will see what these events can really do for you. When the music begins, all of the musicians and singers look at the conductor, filled with intensity, almost reverence… and you, being right behind, will feel like they are looking at you. If you get the angle right, you really can not tell the difference. You now have many options. You can just look over the array of faces and enjoy the attention. You may feel a little shy, like “What did I do to deserve all of this?” but try not to be inhibited. You may want to choose a favorite—one girl or guy who particularly catches your eye. Through the course of the evening, you can progress from shy glances (is she really looking at me?) to longer exchanges (getting to know each other) to outright stares. You will see that you have aroused real passion in her. She will keep looking back to see that your eyes are still on her. It’s an experience that never fails to make my heart sing.
5- Become a blood donor. Have regrets about missed opportunities in your past? Spent too many Saturday nights alone with the latest X-Box release? Here’s a chance to change that. Find a blood drive near you and sign up. You may not think of yourself as the kind of person who does things that involve pain and bodily fluids, but there’s more to it than you realize. They will ask you a long retinue of questions. The questions are highly personal (“Have you ever given money in exchange for sex?” for instance). But don’t be offended; they only ask because they really care about you. Think of each question as an opportunity to imagine something you wish you’d done. Then describe the life you wish you’d had to this attentive, sympathetic audience. They will often ask lovely follow-up questions like, “What countries were they from?” or “How many times did you do that?” Again, it’s the bonds with other people that make life worth living, and you will find that your fantasies are more real when you share them with someone else. The difference between memory and fantasy is a slim one, and I propose that this is actually the better way to have a life of carnal debauchery. And don’t be afraid that you’ll have to pay for this experience by letting yourself be stuck with a needle. If you do it right, they won’t let you give blood anyway.
I have used these techniques to fill every day of my life with gratifying interactions. I hope they do the same for you!
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