The GOP has announced that Republican members of the House of Representatives will be available to guard entrances to women’s bathrooms throughout the United States. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, “Women and girls need protections against the sicko men who’ll decide they ‘feel like a woman’ and use bathrooms to prey on them.” Ryan said that male congressmen are uniquely qualified for the task of discovering if a woman is a “real” woman. “These congressmen have extensive experience groping females.” Republican whip Steve Scalise added that the congressmen will “provide this service to America free of charge.” In other news, actor and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger challenged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to a tug of war on the banks of the Cuyahoga River.