In the three days immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, the American news media ran 4,378 dispensations of advice on what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, according to a media survey performed by The Stoneslide Corrective. These chirpy radio bits, television segments, and newspaper columns were undoubtedly of great utility; why else would there be so many? Sadly, since then, there has been an utter lack of instructions and helpful pointers. It’s as if all those leftovers suddenly disappeared. But we know they’re still out there, in the backs of refrigerators across this great nation.
The Stoneslide Corrective fills this gap with a few simple recipes to help you make use of those last stubborn leftovers as they approach their one-week birthday.
- In many areas, Thanksgiving falls during raccoon season and there are plenty of varmints roaming around tearing up your grass looking for grub. Catch them by surprise early in the morning and hurl leftover hard-as-concrete dinner rolls at them. Put a few of these 100mm bread bombs in the hands of the kids and this can be fun for the whole family, especially now that Thanksgiving break is a full week.
- You’ve already picked all the meat off the turkey carcass and boiled the skeleton in a large pot to make a stew that your children will refuse to eat every night for the next week. Why not sew some felt, ribbon, and tinsel around the bird’s ribcage to make a festive Christmas wreath for your front door?
- Bring the Ziplock bag of gelatinized roasted winter vegetables with you to work. Allow the vegetables to warm to room temperature. Then sneak into the conference room, open the seal on the bag, and leave it under the middle of the table.
- Use up all 750 ml of olive oil that has separated in the sauteed mushroom, squash, and brussels sprouts medley your “gourmet” sister made. Oil is handy in the fall to 1) winterize wood fencing and decks and 2) grease trailer-wheel bearings; grease a squeaky trailer hitch ball; and lay grease on your fifth-wheel plate. Lots of people hunt and travel during the fall, and trailers get a lot of use. It’s an excellent time to remember regular trailer maintenance.
- A tip from a friend in San Francisco: Any slice of pecan pie more than three days old can be wedged behind your tires when you park on a hill.
- Sex and the City 2 may have been a kitsch bomb, but Samantha’s wild yam face mask used to combat the hot flashes associated with menopause could really come in handy over the holidays. Hot flashes don’t just hit 50-something women: they can plague men forced to wear reindeer-adorned fugly sweaters and spend extended meals with extended families. Yam facial masks could be used to combat the testosterone spikes experienced by alpha males from opposing clans fighting over who gets the remote control (“We’re watching football, NOT ‘IT’S A WONDERFUL FUCKING LIFE!!!’”).
- Standing straight, hold skull, which contains memories of stupid reactionary pronouncements of father-in-law, high. Raise a claw hammer level with temple. Do what you know you want to.
- Take the block of yams you’ve twice reheated and poured into a Tupperware container out of the refrigerator. Remove from container. Place at the base of a slanted door to keep said door in the open position.
- That plate of turkey slices at the back of your refrigerator still has potential. By now the meat is so dry it actually destroys moisture on contact. Crumble one of the slices into someone else’s food to watch them choke and gag when that powder hits their soft palate. Feed a gobbet to your neighbor’s dog to prevent future barking at any hour, let alone four in the fucking morning.
- For a haute cuisine touch: using jigsaw and chisel, turn Green Bean Casserole into Deconstructed Green Bean Casserole.
- Peel the skin off the gravy that’s still sitting in the pitcher you used on Thanksgiving. Fold it in half. Stitch up the edges, and you have a nice change purse.
- Remove huge blob of mashed potatoes from the serving bowl. Place on a large platter and shape into a bust of your sister-in-law. It should be easy, given how lumpy that insufferable harpy’s head is. Next retrieve a pen and paper and write down all of the comebacks and refutations that came to you just a moment too late as she blathered on and on about the latest “ideas” she heard from her favorite radio personality. Now read the list out loud to the bust. Use a strong, projecting voice. Shove the list into the face of the bust, saying, “There, you see? You see, now?!” This will clear out residual bad humors and make it much easier to bear her lampoonish soliloquies when you see her on Christmas Eve.
- Using microplane, shower flecks of encrusted stuffing over plate of petrified mashed parsnips.
- You have lots of wine left over. It’s all some variant of red, and all the bottles are open! Not a problem. Pour your 1/2 bottle of Syrah; your 1/3 bottle of Cab; your 1/8 bottle of Grenache; and your 1/4 bottle of Pinot into a big soup pot; warm the wine up; and tie dye shirts to mail to your Thanksgiving guests. I survived Thanksgiving 2012 at the HAMLINS! Use 100% cotton tees for the longest-lasting color.
- To get a jump on Easter decorating, spray shellac on those leftover deviled eggs. Glue gun them to a styrofoam wreath; the size is up to you! Use as a centerpiece for your Easter dinner. It’s never too early to plan ahead for a holiday.
