Amanda Beckinwith, of Millennial Now Solutions Inc, released this statement today:
I met him two weeks ago at a conference right here in the city. I was speaking about integrating synergy in novel vertical and horizontal portfolio models. Next to the conference center a new building was going up, and when I went outside to get some air I saw him. Jesse. On his shoulder he was carrying a stack of two-by-fours. Even from across the street, his big green eyes jumped out against the dark curls peeking beneath his hard hat. I crossed and got as close as I could, then drew his attention. I told him I might need some work done, and got his number. We’ve met for coffee, and walked in the park a couple times, and today I made a reservation at the Hotel Désireux. I have to pay for a full night, but I don’t care!
To my husband, I want to say that I’m very sorry that I will get caught. Eleven months from today, I will not suspect that some nobody at a convenience store would sell their parking lot and interior security footage to a tabloid. Twelve months from now I will have no idea investigative journalistic work will have begun that will eventually lead to the publication of grainy but still humiliating images of me snogging with what the tabloids will call my “young stud.”
I also want to apologize for not making it clearer to you (although I don’t know how I could have) that your paunch wasn’t working for me. I thought cutting you off was enough. I thought verbally telling you I no longer found you attractive in any way was enough. I was wrong, and for that I am sorry.
To my employees, I apologize for the distraction my affair will become. To our investors I apologize for the hit our share price will take when word of the affair makes it to the airwaves and legitimate media. I also want to thank you for the generous separation compensation you will give me, as was negotiated in my contract before I took the position. I hope my preemptive move today shows you, and investors everywhere, how seriously I take my commitment.
To Top Businesswoman Magazine, which will name me Role Model of the Year, I must apologize that in two months’ time I will participate in over four hours of interviews about my moral outlook without once mentioning I am conducting a torrid affair—in fact, I will give one interview from the hotel room just after an assignation with Jesse, while he watches Top Gear in the background. It is perhaps a white lie, but I will regret claiming the background noise is emanating from my husband’s TV viewing.
It is well established in organizational scholarship that being in a position of power almost inevitably corrupts one morally. However, I do not wish to use this fact as an excuse for what I will soon do. But perhaps you can understand why I will not think any great harm would come from helping Jesse start a shell contracting company that Millennial Now Solutions will then acquire in an equity-stock deal. While these actions will be wrong, I also believe they are deeply human.
For now, though, although I know these feelings will later make me sick with remorse, I can honestly say I am truly happy as I dream of being in the arms of strong young Jesse. He’s so sexy, and the way he is with puppies is just adorable.
Read another preemptive apology, this one from LeBron James before fans disapprove of something he will not do in the NBA championship series. Or read this one, from a Milwaukee Brewers fan, for what he will do in May 2014.
