Dear The Tank,
I’m a big believer in family, but I have to admit that my husband’s sister is starting to make me lose my faith! Whenever I’m around her, she’s so critical. It’s like she thinks everything I do is part of some long-term Machiavellian plot to disinherit her. I just want to have a nice time with my family, but I can’t stand her constant sniping and insinuation. What can I do?
—Alexa in Chicago
Dear Alexa in Chicago,
The first critical point is that you can’t change the other person. Let’s not think about her motivations, but rather what you can do to change your own experience when you’re with her.
The real problem here is what I think of as a relationship imbalance. Her blaming and sniping make you feel bad and make her feel good. You feel especially bad because you’re blameless.
The solution here is to bring the relationship into balance. You know she’s going to go on blaming you, so you need to do something for which she can rightly blame you. If her husband is at all attractive, I suggest you sleep with him. This is an especially effective maneuver because it works whether she finds out or not. If she remains blissfully ignorant, then whenever she talks to you in an accusatory tone, you’ll know you deserve so much worse, and her venom will drip off you, like water off an oil-slicked seal. If she does find out, then she will blame and accuse you for what you actually did. That is relationship harmony.
If the husband is just not palatable, you can try borrowing money and not returning it or inviting her to lunch and sticking her with the bill. The important thing is that you restore harmony.
Sincerely,
—The Tank
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The Tank is inspired by Gracious Living Without Servants, the new novel by Wall Street Journal writer Brenda Cronin. Juliet, the heroine of that novel, makes all kinds of bad choices that end up making life way more interesting. Read the first chapter.
