Residents welcome idea of mayor who only steals little things

A rumor swirling through the Windy City’s streets suggests that Mayor Rahm Emanuel might be a habitual shoplifter. Whatever the truth behind this cold and biting insinuation, the mayor’s many subjects, err, fellow citizens, find it easy to believe.

One form of the rumor suggests that a reporter at The Chicago Intelligencerester newspaper and website discovered a cover-up by which Chicago Police brass were regularly deleting call items pertaining to the mayor’s alleged activities. The reporter spoke to street vendors, proprietors of mom and pop shops, and department store clerks, all of whom had filed official reports alleging they’d witnessed the mayor’s sticky fingers in action. But all of the complaints seemed to disappear. According to the rumor, the reporter, Dinklun T. St. James, was offered a lucrative screenwriting contract by the mayor’s brother Ari Emanuel to hush up the explosive story.

One mayoral aide calls the allegations baseless. “The mayor is a man of honor. How else could we call him ‘His Honor’? If he’s ever stolen anything—and there’s no proof he has—it’s been from fat cat public school teachers and other useless people, through their bloated salaries and benefits that he rightfully trims,” says Hans Grublet, deputy assistant director of communications for Emanuel.

Not all Chicagoans are upset by the idea that their mayor might have an uncontrollable compulsion to steal. They view the shoplifting as a potentially helpful outlet for the mayor.

Brittany Hinojosa, chairwoman of Chicagoans for Justice for the Poor and Middle Class, says she is pleased by the alleged findings. Hinojosa says she would want all affected businesses reimbursed for losses caused by Emanuel’s alleged thievery, but she sees a silver lining. “Sure, boosting a candy bar or a Cubs cap is wrong.  But I’d rather he got his kicks from petty larceny than from plundering the salaries and pensions of the public servants who really make Chicago work.”

Jocelyn Panks, an emergency room nurse at Danderstalds Memorial Hospital, echoes Hinojosa’s sentiments. “This is good. It’s promising. Leave him to it, and maybe he’ll develop some sympathy for the little guy, instead of pissing all over us on behalf of his rich buddies at the Board of Trade and the Chicago Merc.”

A professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin who specializes in research on politicians and political operatives says Emanuel’s rumored behavior is simply a more visible manifestation of a pathology present in most politicians. Professor Elizabeth Omander says, “It’s unsurprising that he would have criminal tendencies. What’s noteworthy is that his alleged actions aren’t being curtailed by his handlers or other minions.” But Omander wonders aloud why anyone other than Emanuel’s loved ones or dependents would care. “The everyday political deception is a form of theft in which a politician gains your trust or support under false pretenses. People accept that from politicians, so why object if he’s pocketing a few tchotchkes when he walks through Pier 1?” she asks.

University of Chicago economist Hal Wankler has done an in-depth game theory analysis of the mayor’s alleged thievery. Wankler suggests Emanuel may have an agenda beyond the thrill of breaking the law and the gratification of exerting political power to conceal his actions. “If he can steal enough to raise crime rates in strategic districts, he may be able to declare martial law to ‘bring things under control.’ Then he either stops stealing and declares success or uses the power of martial law to steal elections for the Democrats. They have a long history of that.”

Neither the Chicago Police Department nor the Cook County District Attorney’s Office would comment on the record, but an unnamed police official stated that Emanuel was last seen lurking near a dancers supply store, Tiny, Tiny, Tiny Dancer Ballet Supply, in the Andersonville neighborhood.

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