Hire someone to hang out with you 24 hours a day and at random intervals throw a variety of viscous fluids onto you. These assaults should take you by surprise, and then require considerable time to clean up, often leaving permanent stains on your favorite clothes and any nearby furniture. Some of this goop should periodically and without warning be smeared into your face and lips. Many substances you already have around the house can work, including ketchup, mayo, and chocolate milk. A number of these events should occur while you sleep, effectively cutting off your only escape. If you are rigorous in your application of this course of preparation, you will know what it feels like to be a human bib. Of course, once you’ve come to grips with this reality, your child will magically and unaccountably transform into a completely different person and demand the car keys and tell you that you look fat.
A Stoneslide reader responds to Advice to Expectant Mothers
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