Rebranding Literature is a simple plan to make literature more relevant in the marketplace of ideas by maximizing revenue potential.
Over the course of human history, great works of literature—including wildly popular pieces that are perennial sellers—have generated less revenue in aggregate than a single day’s worth of Starbucks sales.
Why is literature losing out so badly to the coffee mongers? That they sell a drug, legally, we rejected as too simplistic; many retailers of drugs legal and illegal don’t get wealthy. We attempted to answer the question by visiting a local Starbucks. The answer is shockingly obvious if you have eyes to see. Just look around. Everything is for sale. Little racks with branded items pop up like toadstools. Nature abhors a vacuum; so does Starbucks—every empty space is filled with something you could buy. So, we have initiated a project to go back and apply what we’ve learned to great works of literature in hopes of raising greater revenues.
The Catcher in the Rye
by JD Salinger and The Stoneslide Corrective
When Jerome David Salinger was trying to capture the power of the young voice he heard in his head and get it down onto the page, that was his focus. Sadly, that and his artistic vision were his only focus. Salinger, regardless of how brilliant a writer he was or how singularly captivating Holden Caulfield’s voice was, really screwed the pooch when it came to exploiting the potential of product placement. With one deft stroke, Stoneslide was able to fix this problem in the very first paragraph.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Just read my Facebook Timeline.
This Is Just to Say
by William Carlos Williams and The Stoneslide Corrective
Dealing with the aftermath of having angered one’s spouse has always been a powerful engine of economic activity in literature. Consider how many times you’ve watched a protagonist buy gifts or a bouquet of flowers because he’s done something moronic and ticked off his wife. Maybe it was something he couldn’t avoid, like going to war against the Trojans or becoming chair of the department of Hitler studies at the College-on-the-Hill. Or maybe he just selfishly effs up, like the narrator of Williams’ famous poem, thereby fueling more economic growth due to the implied need to purchase more fruit. Stoneslide has improved this seemingly unimprovable masterpiece of guilt-driven mercantilism with just a few effortless inclusions.
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the Sub-Zero
and which
you were probably
saving
for a nutritious breakfast
that would include one serving of heart-healthy Cheerios
Forgive me
but these Connecticut plums
from Bishop’s Orchard
were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
and so fresh due to the tri-ply
Ziploc bags.
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