Everything you need to know mushed into one paragraph.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2015
The Cuyahoga County prosecutor released two reports finding that a Cleveland police officer acted “reasonably” when he shot a fourteen-year-old who was carrying a toy gun. The finding has serious implications for other ongoing investigations, including the case of Jona Wilkens who was hit with a BGM-109C Tomahawk Land Attack Missile after building what has been described as a “very realistic” Lego tank with a potentially devastating super laser cannon and multiple grenade launchers that could point in different directions. Prosecutors in Los Angeles County also said the reports out of Cuyahoga encouraged them as they considered bringing bigamy charges against actor Ashton Kutcher, after a seven-year-old girl staged an elaborate wedding ceremony in which her Ashton Kutcher doll married her Taylor Swift doll in Turks and Caicos. Mr. Kutcher is already married to actress Mila Kunis.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2015
Republicans in the US House of Representatives endured a day of chaos after the withdrawal of apparent front–runner Kevin McCarthy (R-California) from the competition to be Speaker of the House. But as of this morning, a new, nearly unanimous consensus choice had emerged: Vladimir Putin. Said Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), “We saw how he backs his allies no matter how insane or bloodthirsty they might be. He’s just the guy to lead this caucus.” Republicans face some procedural challenges in making Putin, who is not only not a member of the House but also currently leads another country, speaker. But the plan taking shape involves having Putin invade Guam. “He’s already got ships in Syria,” points out Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California). As a US territory, Guam has a non-voting representative in the House, and Putin could name himself to that seat, then be elected to the leadership position. “And if Obama tries to stop Putin’s invasion or defend the so-called American citizens in Guam, everyone will see how partisan he is. He’ll do anything to divide this nation,” says Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin).
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2015
Alabama has recently stirred controversy with moves that critics say are likely to suppress African-American votes, including requiring an official ID and then closing the offices where people can get such IDs. Not to be outdone by its neighbor to the east, the state legislature of Mississippi is considering a bill that would make it illegal for African-Americans to vote unless they have recently returned from a vacation in Chechnya. The state’s attorney general argued that this is not an unreasonable restriction because “there are flights every day to Chechnya.” Florida’s Supreme Court has ruled that pregnant women can only escape blame for endangering their fetuses if the danger comes from a man punching her while actively not selling her drugs. If a pregnant woman trips on stairs, or reads an EL James novel, for instance, she may be jailed immediately upon giving birth, without regard to the newborn’s health or Instagram feed. In related news, Georgia named Kafka its state bird.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2015
The Governor of Oregon has praised California’s new assisted suicide law, but she worries the law won’t do enough to stem the tide of migrants leaving the Golden State to find less expensive housing in Oregon. House prices in Oregon have been skyrocketing in recent years, as many Californians have begun infiltrating the comparatively bucolic and affordable Beaver State. Governor Kate Brown said, “It’s great that Californians are killing themselves, but we need more deaths there, and not just among the terminally ill.” In a move that some view as controversial, Brown has authorized the Oregon National Guard to launch drone strikes on the San Francisco Bay area. “If we can get direct hits on Oracle, Facebook, and Google, with all those employees’ homes flooding their market we in Oregon could anticipate stable housing prices for decades,” Brown said. “The real long-term solution, of course, is to vastly expand abortions in California, but it’s hard to get Republicans to go for real solutions when we can use missiles instead.” Presidential candidate Ben Carson opposed the new Oregon initiative because, he said, he’s a good person. The Chicago Cubs’ Joe Maddon said that former Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder and humanitarian, the late Roberto Clemente, was “grossly overrated” and he said that the Chicago Board of Trade has a “nice” cafeteria where you can get a “good” pulled pork sandwich.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2015
In testimony before the US Senate, General John Campbell said the US military was responsible for an airstrike on a hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan, that killed at least 19 people. He also acknowledged that the attack had been requested by fighters in the Afghan Army. At first horrified by this mistake, the US Army soon saw an opportunity and has announced a public-private partnership with Uber. The service will allow anyone with a smartphone to call in a bombing. The new app, called Bumber, will be available before Thanksgiving. Business analysts called it a triumph and the next disruptor, though they also worried that the service could be pricey, especially at peak usage times, such as just before and after Valentine’s Day. “Once again, the internet empowers people,” said Uber CEO Travis Kalanick. An EU court moved to block usage of the Bumber app in Europe out of fears it would transmit user data to the Pentagon in violation of strict European privacy rules. Russia claimed to already have a similar system in operation in Syria and Ukraine. “Every citizen of Russia wants to bomb exactly the targets Vladimir Putin, in his wisdom and strength, chooses,” said a spokesman.
Pakistan has said it has no desire to control what is reported during news broadcasts in the country, but simply wants to make it clear that its airwaves are no place for badmouthing Saudi Arabia. Journalists have had questions for the Saudis after scores of Pakistanis were killed last month during a stampede near Mecca. Islamabad said that the news is for keeping people informed and educated, not wasting their time with reports of untimely deaths that occur in allies’ countries. And, with Mecca being a holy place, like all holy places it is never the site of unfortunate occurrences, just like Jerusalem, Wounded Knee, and Lambeau Field.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2015
The Trans-Pacific Partnership, a trade deal involving the US, Japan, and 10 other countries around the Pacific Rim, was approved today. Or, rather, it was agreed on by a group of negotiators but still has to be approved by various legislatures, including the US Congress, all of whom hate the thing. The final terms were hammered out in late-night, secret negotiations. They were kept secret largely because everyone all over the world hates this deal. Well, honestly, a few people haven’t heard of it yet or mistook its initialism, TPP, for a new kind of party drug and therefore registered a mild sense of approval. President Obama remained mystified at the opposition to the deal: “This lowers tariffs on beef from 30% to 9%. How can people not see that this is the new world order and the great strategic accomplishment of my presidency?” The Islamic State (also called ISIS) protested TPP, saying that people hate the deal so much it is distracting them from hatred of ISIS. The brutal terrorist group threatened to negotiate a trade deal of its own if the world doesn’t turn its opprobrium back to ISIS.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2015
Jack Dorsey was named CEO of Twitter today, and in his first press conference declared that he would not support the proposed no-fly zone over Silicon Valley. He argued that such a move would only encourage radical start-ups and not do anything to support the kinds of moderate start-ups that we want to see take on Apple and Google. He also spoke about the migrant crisis caused by the outrageous cost of living in Silicon Valley. But he said his company had already taken on as many shiftless middle-class workers as it could and called on others, especially Facebook, to do their part. Facebook said they were focusing instead on a strategy of choking the neighborhoods of Menlo Park with commuter traffic, just as they did Palo Alto before, to keep people who can’t afford helicopters from moving around.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2015
Additional reports of secret meetings with Pope Francis have emerged in the last day. First, the Vatican confirmed that Kentucky clerk Kim Davis had indeed met with Francis but would not confirm whether Francis thought her eyes looked “a little bit off.” In line behind Davis for an audience was presidential candidate Jeb Bush. The pope and the scion of the Bush line briefly discussed the state of Jeb’s campaign, and the pontiff attempted to console the would-be president by saying, “Stuff happens.” Waiting behind Bush was US Secretary of Defense Ash Carter, who was pushing a large hand truck on which was balanced a GBU-24 Paveway III laser-guided bomb. He asked the pope to bless the munition but the pope refused. Carter put out a statement Friday saying recent casualties at a hospital in Kunduz were attributable to the lack of papal blessing on munitions and lamenting the pope’s causing so many innocent deaths. But the release also announced a new joint initiative with the Department of Education to identify potential mass shooters in the US and to weaponize them and drop them into hostile territory. Said Carter, “We can’t accept collateral damage in our own nation. As any politician will tell you, America is the greatest country in the world in every single respect, including in our ability to create mass murdering monstrosities, and it’s time for those monsters to contribute to the society that has done so much for them.”
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2015
House Republican Kevin McCarthy clarified that when he said the congressional investigation into Benghazi did a nice job impeding Hillary Clinton’s efforts to become president, what he meant was that Vladimir Putin is a former high-ranking officer in the Soviet Union’s intelligence service, and as such is unfit to serve as a trusted public leader, just like Chuck Barris, who served America as host of The Gong Show, despite being a self-described CIA operative, but unlike George H. W. Bush, who headed the CIA from 1976 to 1977, but was totally fit to be a president of the United States. McCarthy then had to further clarify his clarification to say that George H. W. Bush would have been fit to be president if he hadn’t then raised taxes when acting as president. This argument created a brutal rift in the laws of logic, which began emitting a loud moan accompanied by furious yellow sparks. The spectacle successfully distracted from other logical shitstorms, such as the idea that guns keep people safe or that the American economy is strong because it’s not creating jobs.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2015
Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina defended her description of a video showing Russian abortionists dropping illegal babyparts bombs on the stronghold of moderate rebel forces in Syria. Meanwhile, a congressional sub-committee picked up on the accusation that Planned Parenthood has been selling stem cells and fetal livers to strongman Bashar al-Assad, which he has in turn been using to pelt Syrian citizens, causing increased emigration to the European Union, where migrants are herded into razor-wire-ringed refugee camps, where they adjust to the high levels of diesel fumes in the atmosphere.