ME: It’s so sad to see him there in the coffin.

WIFE: Yes, but your dad had a long life. He had as good a life as anyone could wish for.

ME: That’s what I mean. He did. And he was still a miserable bastard.

•••

FRIEND: It’s nice to see so many people here at his service.

ME: Yeah, especially since no one ever came to his parties.

•••

PASTOR: And how did you know William?

ME: We were friends from back in high school.

PASTOR: I’m sorry. But it must be a comfort that he’s in Heaven now.

ME: I guess no one told you about his hookers.

•••

ME: I’m so sorry.

WIDOW: Thank you.

ME: God, I’m going to miss him. He was a good friend.

WIDOW: I always wondered what you and Reg talked about all those days out on the boat.

ME: How disappointed we were with our families.

•••

COWORKER: Can you believe it, a heart attack at his desk?

ME: Yeah.

COWORKER: I guess he was a tyrant. But no one deserves this.

ME: He deserved worse.

•••

SISTER: Poor Mom. At least she had plenty of morphine.

BROTHER: Except, wow—all the crazy untrue stuff she said.

ME: Sure, tell yourself what she said she really thought of us wasn’t what she really thought of us.

•••

WIFE: Look at her children. They all look so sad.

ME: I’ll give you 4-to-1 odds they’re fighting over her money before the service starts.

•••

WIFE: It was a beautiful service.

ME: It was. Not a word of it was true.

•••

BROTHER: Pops looks good.

SISTER: Yeah, like he lost weight.

ME: Amazing what not needing Depends can do.

•••

WIFE: It was so hard to see her waste like that, with so much pain.

MINISTER: Praise the Lord, her pain has ended.

ME: Yes. She won’t have to tithe anymore.

•••

KID: I want to go.

WIFE: We need to stay a little longer. Go pay your condolences to Sarah.

KID: She looks so sad. I don’t know.

WIFE: She just lost her father. But she’ll appreciate seeing you.

ME: Yeah, it could be me next. You’d want her to come to my funeral, wouldn’t you?