Brewers Fan Apologizes Preemptively for What He Will Do in 2014

Ryan Braun, when you take the field at the top of the first I will call you a scum-sucking piece of alleged—alleged, mind you—human shit. I will then correct myself, and tell you that if a piece of alleged human shit took a shit that then took a shit that was puked on, it would be you. When I notice, in my peripheral vision, my three sons looking up in amazement and wonder, I will tell you to look at what you’re doing to the American family.

Frontiers of Knowledge

Researchers Use Deep Human Emotion to Enhance Identity Security Online

The fulcrum for the new method is shame. Explains co-developer and psychology professor Anna Chull, it’s in the nature of shame to be almost ineradicable from our memory and yet completely private. “Say you once rubbed a dog’s penis to see if it would get erect,” says Chull. “And say you kind of liked it. You’re not going to tweet about that. No. But you won’t forget it. It’s a perfect, entirely personalized security key.”

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

If he makes one more remark about my weight I’m going to max out all the cards.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

How could I stay there? They only have 22-hour room service.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

If it isn’t Italian or German, is it really a car?

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

If his daughter were attractive she’d probably be a slut.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

His daughter gets so angry when I tell her she looks good for her age.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

I have one dream above all others, one vision that makes my heart sing: my name on the deeds.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

My standards are in transition.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

It’s amazing that in an age when we do so much banking online and we pay for things with credit cards and we hardly touch cash at all that money is still the most powerful aphrodisiac.

A Life Examined

The Sayings of Joanna M., a Kept Woman

It’s not his age, it’s the ear hair.

Correctives

Dylan Trent, Candidate for Mayor of Minerva, Ohio, Releases Pre-Apology Related to His Attempts to Emulate Anthony Weiner

Anthony Weiner is the political genius of our age. I say this as one with no small knowledge of political arts, having served a term on the Village Council of Minerva, as most of you know, and having run eight times for office. The essential thrust of politics is to get attention, and Weiner is […]